In IMAX, no less. How was it? It was just fine.
I decided to make it easy on myself, and go ahead and take four girls with me, two of them twelve, two of them thirteen, and so obviously when you factor in popcorn, that was eight hundred and fifty dollars.
Security was tight – there was a guy on the door checking ticket stubs in case you decided to buy a ticket to something else and then slither into the IMAX showing with your four little girls, which I was ready to try and which I’m still sure I could have pulled off, since I’d only bought four tickets that morning.
Instead, no one was willing to fork over fourteen dollars a ticket just to see Slightly Larger Harry Potter, so it wasn’t sold out and the joke was on me – I got to pay full price. Then there were a series of trips to the concession stand, working on a similar set of logistics to the old chicken and grain and big, chicken-eating dog conundrum. Someone always had to sit there and occupy the seats, while someone else went squawking out into the lobby.
Cool, we got settled in, established a main base and then two of the girls established an Alpha Site at the back of the theatre, so they could giggle and fart or whatever without getting the old eyebrow furrow from me.
Then the previews started. Cool previews, too – I accidentally forgot what was happening and told Ellen that Tron was “going to be badass, man.” She gave me the fish eye, said, sure, Dad, I’m sure it is.
Also the Green Hornet – the preview starts quite oddly for that one, a bunch of shots of grinding partiers and the guy from Knocked Up. I wasn’t going to get upset or anything, so I just leaned over and backed the girls up about thirty years, let them know what the hell Tron was and whether or not I had a cool-ass shirt like that when I was twelve (yes).
Then it turns out to be The Green Hornet. There’s a cool car and a lot of chases, and then a bunch of karate – I’m in.
Speaking of chases, when Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows starts up, that’s pretty much what it is. Right off the bat, we get a broomstick chase with a flying motorcycle and sidecar, and so many other flying things that it’s like George Lucas busted in with his CG effect generator.
I have no idea what is going on – but it’s a bunch of cool-looking wizard shit, that’s for sure. Apparently, they don’t just hang around at Hogwarts anymore. They are in some kind of Underground Railroad for people who aren’t White Wizard Supremacists, and Voldemort – who I thought was 0-6 against Harry Potter so far, but I guess I don’t really know – is now a creepy, full-grown demon with no nose and slits for nostrils.
He’s such a dick to the other evil wizards, it makes you wonder why they didn’t all stamp him out when he was still weak enough to get his ass kicked by ten year olds, which is I think when I really stopped paying attention. He turned out to be part of that one dude’s head, right? And then he was a snake? And then – hmmm. Then I think Gandalf was getting blown up in a really tall house in the cornfields which it took me a couple of minutes to recognize last time.
Then I realized this time around, oh yeah, that was the Weasely house, however that’s spelled. And it wasn’t Gandalf, either, it was the other one. The one who turned out to be gay, which is cool and I mean it.
Dumbledore, yes. Remember, Rowling just sort of piped up after she’d cashed her checks and said, oh by the way, Christians, in case the witchcraft wasn’t enough for you, Dumbledore’s gay.
Well, you can’t argue with her, if she says he’s gay, he’s gay. You didn’t ask, but she sure told you, didn’t she?
Anyway, then the main, wonky teen characters continue being awkward teens, while utilizing teleportation to get them from one scene to the other. It’s nice and direct, demons attack and then they teleport someplace else and camp. Also, there’s a funny bit about Hermione having pretty much anything they need in her purse.
From the perspective of a dad who has no idea what is going on, I can tell you that the movie was totally watchable. It was pretty fast-paced, and nobody pantomimes any fifties songs, and nobody kills any puppy dogs. Also, did you know that wands are pretty much ray guns now?
It’s true. Hermione shoots about ten people, blows a bunch of stuff up. I think I would have gone ahead and given her a sword and karate powers, too. She’s obviously smarter and cooler than Harry is, I don’t even know why we’re following him around. Something about his forehead.
I heard that Daniel Radcliffe has gone on record saying that he needs to talk to J.K. Rowling if there’s any truth to the rumors that she might go ahead and write more of these books, because he’s pretty much done with it. And I don’t blame him – it’s not a very deep role, is it?
But here’s all they need to do. Have Hermione turn into a vampire hunter, and then do a crossover novel written by Rowling and Stephenie Meyer of Twilight fame. Kind of like Alien Vs. Predator, both of the franchises can use a boost, and when it sucks, they can always blame it on each other.
Doesn’t seem like I should have to explain everything to those two, though.