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And Then Jessica Snapped: The Walmart Takeover: A Startling Look At Long-Titled Guest Blogs And The Double Use Of Colons

Editor’s Note:  The following blog was found scrawled on the backs of ripped open food containers in the ruined basement of an Arkansas train station, and then uploaded to the Internet by Jessica, the other personality of the writer of the blog.  That’s her in the stock photograph to the right, blogging the way most of us do in the trade, out in the desert, under the hood of a car, wearing lots of makeup. 

The Wal-Mart Takeover

In honor of my friend the blogging genius, and my traumatizing trip to Wal-Mart today, I have decided to try my hand at this whole blogging thing. How hard could it be? You just write about stuff right? I mean, you don’t have to have any real writing expertise, do you? Just because my friend Tom can spew about any random event with pure eloquence and articulation, doesn’t mean I have to know what I am talking about. Even if I have to google half the words in his blogs because I don’t know what they mean. You know what? Screw you and your broad vocabulary, fancy website and published book. How is that for truculent?? Ok, that was probably a little harsh. You are my hero Tom. Is that better?

      Maybe before I start, I should find out exactly what a blog is. What makes a blog different from a Facebook note, or an email? The fact that I had to google “blog” is probably not a good start for me. Maybe I should just leave this to my friend the professional. Seems to me it is just a place to write about stuff or where people can read about stuff. But what do I know?

        But, writing it is only half the battle. Who is going to read it?? People can just look at the length of this thing and say “I am not reading that”! I mean, my cousin Kelle will comment on my Facebook status with long-winded little mini-blogs. Most days, if I have to click on the “see more” button, I am sighing, I don’t want to read all that dang-it! Even if Kelle is my favorite cousin. You know what, Kelle IS my favorite cousin, and I love to read her long-winded comments. You rock, Kelle and I love you!! Hey, don’t judge me, Kelle is scary crazy.

        What was the whole point to this rant? Oh, yeah. Fascist Wal-Mart. So I go to Wal-Mart today to pick up some feminine items. I came across a Valentines display and I see these Lindor Truffles with a 75% off sticker just below them. For those of you who have never had Lindor Truffles, you are missing out on absolutely luxurious silky chocolate bliss. Heaven on Earth, really. Add in the fact that I am pms-ing, and you can get the allure here. There is no price on them, just the 75% off sticker, but I pick them up anyway, along with some heart sprinkles I figured the kids would love to decorate cookies with. 

      So I am walking along and I see a scanner. I figure, hey, let’s just see how much these are, I want to see what a deal I am getting. So I scan it. Nothing. Hmm. I actually read the instructions on the scanner to see what I am doing wrong. Can you seriously do it wrong? I try it upside down, sideways, at an angle, up close, far away, fast, slow. Still nothing. Whatever. It’s still 75% off, so it can’t be much, plus I am pms-ing and don’t even care really.

     So I pick up a few other items, a frozen pizza, some gum, diapers…Didn’t I just come in here for one thing? How does Wal-Mart do that? They are like the freakin succubus, sucking your wallet dry! Go in for some feminine crap and you come out with half the store. Thanks, Wal-Mart and your fascist regime, I didn’t like my money anyway. My whole paycheck goes to Wal-Mart every week. My employer is actually looking into funding my payroll with Wal-Mart cards. How do you break free from the hold they have on you and your wallet? I feel like Steve Martin in The Jerk. I don’t need you Wal-Mart! I don’t need anything! Except this frozen pizza! And candy sprinkles! And pretty smelly candles! And cool soft throw pillow!! And that’s all I need! Pretty soon, all I am left with is “One dollar and NINE cents”!!!!!

     This really is a global conspiracy. Everyone on the planet is controlled by Wal-Mart. They must do special Wal-Mart hypnosis when we are born. It puts us in a trance after hearing the trigger “Welcome to Wal-Mart” and takes us out of the trance after hearing “Thanks for shopping Wal-Mart”. We leave, none the wiser, and Wal-Mart has all of our money. But hey, we got a draft blocking foam thing for under our door and an awesome body pillow, so its cool.

     So, I am at the checkout with my must have items and my bag of chocolate euphoria. The checkout girl, starts scanning my items. Sweet, I got those candy sprinkles for 43 cents. Lindor Truffles, $3.59. What? I am calculating the math in my head. Let’s see, 75% off and they are still $3.59? How the heck much were they to begin with? Like 12 bucks? What dillhole would pay 12 bucks for a tiny bag of these things? Even if they are the truffles of Satan himself! I mention to the checkout girl, did those ring up wrong? You know what she tells me? Oh, well these aren’t on sale, only valentine items. Oh really? They were clearly marked and intermingled with the Valentines. Oh, I see whats happening here!! Wal-Mart doesn’t get enough of my money, they have to resort to trickery to get more?? I know darn well these truffles were marked 75% off. I am not crazy! It’s the only reason I picked them up.

      See what I am saying about Wal-Mart, fascism and global conspiracy?  See, they know that no one is going to go stand in that ridiculously long customer service line to be refunded the 75% that was supposed to be taken off. It’s just not worth the hassle to make it right. Wal-Mart is preying on the laziness of our society!!!! And the checkout girl is in on it! They are taught to deny if they are questioned!!! It is just like when I catch my 2-year-old writing on the walls with crayons and she tells me “No my not” or “Daddy did it”. I freakin saw you do it!!!! Unbelievable! I watch what I say because I know Wal-Mart has this Wal-Mart dungeon where they put the people who seem to be breaking free of the hypnosis and ask too many questions. It’s between the lawn and garden section and toy section. So I bite my tongue. Live to fight another day. I will create a resistance! Fight back! Take back our streets and our money! Viva la resistance!!

     You win this round Wal-Mart. But I am on to your tricks. Putting the truffles in with the sale items purposefully, marking them 75% off but not putting the price on them, the sneaky non-working self scanner, the well-trained “deny deny deny” checkout girl. Well played my nemesis. Well played.

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2011 in Celebrities, Guest Bloggers