Holy. Shit. Did you know there are Lion Farmers?
Meaning, there are dudes who raise lions like cows or something, and then they slaughter them and sell them for meat. Who in the world is up for a little lion meat, you ask? Where are these guys selling their lion chops?
Florida. According to CNN, a Florida Restaurant Sells Lion Tacos.
Are we on Sliders? Is this a parallel universe? I guess I’m baffled – if you’re allowed to eat lion around here, then why hasn’t everyone been chomping down lion for the last few decades? You’d think we’d be breeding big, fat lions and packing them eyeless and toothless into warehouses with retractable roofs. Feeding them dead chickens from the factory egg farms. Something classy, the way we usually roll.
And if we’re not allowed to eat lions, then why is this restaurant selling lion tacos?
The answer – which I thought would be shocking but was instead presented rather blithely – is that yes, you sure can sell lion. And okay, that answers that, go ahead and sell it, go ahead and eat it. I’m not going to start freaking out til I’ve thought it through.
But my knee-jerk reaction is, you’re sort of a dick if you want to eat a lion taco. Let’s test my hypothesis against the rest of the article.
Well, they’re $35. So I think we all know that if Charlie is willing to pay $35 for a taco, then Charlie is sort of a dick. Especially if the basic reason that the taco is $35, is that we’re running out of the animal in it.
See, they are listed as “threatened” and not “endangered.” That’s why it’s cool to make tacos out of them. Ah – the system works, yes?
I don’t know why it bugs me so much. We eat a lot of animals up in here, yes we do. And pigs are smart, for example – see Charlotte’s Web – and we eat them like they’re made of bacon. Why am I cool with eating pigs and not cool with eating lions?
Good question. I’m going to drink this beer and blog about it for a bit, and then maybe I’ll be able to tell you.
But apparently there’s an animal rights organization called Born Free USA which “embarked on an undercover investigation into the lion meat trade in 2011.” They’re pretty freaking sure you shouldn’t be eating lions
Ugh. That description I belted out a few paragraphs ago about how we’d handle legalized lion meat? Sounds like I was on the money. Here’s the day-ruining link for you. Born Free is currently engaged in talking the government into reclassifying lions as “endangered,” at which point you will no longer be allowed to eat lion tacos.
CNN interviews a guy who’s just eaten a lion taco, and sure enough, as I predicted, his name suggests he’s kind of a dick, just as much as his taco selection:
“I thought the lion was good,” said patron Lee Weiner. “It didn’t taste too gamey to me, similar to steak.”
By the way, would you like to know what else you can have on a taco that’s similar to steak, and costs a lot less? If you send me $35, Mister Weiner, I will be happy to tell you. Depending on how many tacos you eat, the information could easily pay for itself in a single day. Give me a ring-ding.
But again, time to look in the mirror. Let me just type as many animals as I can think of in one minute, that I’ve eaten over the years in non-survival situations:
Cow, lamb, goat, chicken, pheasant, turtle, pig, fish, lobster, deer, elk, bear, crawfish, alligator, bison, duck, quail, ostrich, rattlesnake, oyster, squirrel, rabbit
For crying out loud. I think I’ve lost my whole train of thought here. What was I talking about? Climbing up this total stranger’s ass because he ate an animal that wasn’t on my list?
Well, he did spend $35 on it, and his name is “Weiner,” so I’m not going to beat myself up all day. But yes, I wonder what possible moral criteria I might be using to determine which animals are okay to enslave and then eat. The answer appears to be, whichever ones cross my path.
Huh. So, I’m kind of a dick and the only reason I’m not eating a lion taco is because I’m a cheapskate and I’m not in Florida. I really thought this blog post was heading somewhere else, I’ll be honest with you. How bout that?
Anyway, it seems clear that the only way you’re going to get jackasses like me and Mister Weiner to not eat lion meat is to assist Born Free in their attempt to get lions officially reclassified as “endangered.”
How can you do that, you ask? By eating as many lions as possible. The problem is that they aren’t endangered enough yet. We need to really go to town on them, knock those numbers down.
No, not really. That’s dumb. Don’t listen to me, listen to Born Free. Here’s their link, in case you’d like to help them in their cause.