Category Archives: The Golden Voice

The Golden Voice Dance Remix: Engaging The Milker

I don’t know if I’ve been clear about this, but I am a bit disgusted by what passes for news in pretty much every modern incarnation right now.  

Consider Walking Simpsons Episode Ted Williams, AKA The Golden Voice, a man whose mildly interesting story has been over for a solid ten days.  But of course it doesn’t matter if there is anything interesting to say about him at all – he’s the Golden Voice and people click on stories about him, and I’m no different.  And neither are you, Clicky – I see you.

So let’s take a look at the local coverage of the Golden Voice story from start to finish and then you can decide for yourself if my disgust is warranted.  10tv is right here in Columbus, Ohio, after all – we’re Ted Williams hometown!

Hmm wait.  I’m not sure that’s the right word.  Homelesstown?  Antihometown?

How about Previous Geographic Location.  Let’s go with that.

Okay, first, 10tv catches wind of the story through their intricately crafted network (Facebook) of informants and sources (Facebook friends).  Thank God they’re out there, keeping the Torch of Information And Stuff burning, right? 

That’s a pretty big scoop, says 10tv.  It is our sacred duty to share this scoop of Internet Information with the People.  It can’t stay buried as a viral Internet video with five billion hits.  The world has the right to know.

The next logical step, they report the Internet to everyone.  This just in from the Internet, a human being who can do something cool. 

Of course I’m linking to 10tv’s online articles, which the clever reader may be aware, are actually from the Internet Itself.  But if you watch their news shows, guess what they’re doing?

Reading the Internet out loud, that’s right.  Word on the street is, they’re going to add sock puppets pretty soon.

So anyway, the ratings go completely bonkers.  Everyone who doesn’t have the Internet is just as crazy about this guy as the Internet was.  Editors send out email blasts to their cube farms full of howling, chained-up monkeywriters – start reporting the hell out of this Golden Voice guy, get cracking.

Lucky for them, their phones are already ringing.  Everybody wants to hitch their wagons to him, I mean, hell, that’s amazing, isn’t it?  I thought the reason they were homeless was they couldn’t do anything!

The job offers start rolling in.  Except oddly, they roll through media outlets on their way to rolling in, because they aren’t really job offers so much as they are commercials.  Suddenly businesses and sports teams and MTV are all about the homeless community and its vast network of free ad space. 

“We’ve always been huge advocates for the homeless community,” says a fictional amalgam of all the job offers incarnate.  “We just didn’t know it was cool.”

Then the Golden Voice reunites with his mom.  Half of America goes, “Awwwwwwwwwwwwww,” while the other half goes, “What kind of selfish prick hasn’t seen his own living mom in 20 years?”

Meanwhile, back at Non-Internet Headquarters, the editors are screaming, “YES!  That kind of shit right there!  More of that!  Find anyone this singing dollar sign has ever eaten a sandwich with!  Type, you filthy animals, type!”

The cube farms erupt with whips and shrieking.  Hatches in the ceiling open and murders of local news reporters darken the skies, and all across the city, people whose brains work bustle their children inside and bolt the shutters.

A former rehab roommate says he thinks the Golden Voice is going to be popular.  Get that on the front page!

Then Williams heads to California to be a star.  The central Ohio news outlets disappear for four days to pop pills and drink vodka in their bathtubs.  Why does everyone have to leave us for California?  WHY?!

But then the Golden Voice gets arrested for getting into a “heated argument” with his daughter.  We don’t know what that’s all about, but okay, at least we got to see him again.  Hi, Golden Voice!  Be careful with the L.A. cops for the love of God, that’s not Columbus you’re standing in!

Meanwhile the local media is just a tad smug and distant.  We tried to tell you California was a slut, but you didn’t listen.

This is what happens when you leave us, says his psycho ex-girlfriend/former media cheerleader 10tv.  You belong with us, Golden Voice.  You belong with us forever.

Two days later he starts cancelling appearances, and the same day we get another article, this one entitled Homeless Radio Man Headed To Rehab

Funny how he’s not the Golden Voice all of the sudden, he’s the Homeless Radio Man.  That’s still 10tv, just giving him a cold, mirthless stare across the room.  You blew it, buddy, you could have had it all. 

Then he arrives at rehab – six days later.

And okay, I can imagine if I were headed to rehab, I might take the long way.  You might have to hunt me down a little bit, that’s cool, I’m with him on that one. 

At least he’s Golden Voice again in that story.  You can just see 10tv thinking, Oh yeah, he’s coming back to mama.  Who takes care of you Golden Voice?  Does that hussy California take care of you?  No, she doesn’t. 

The next day Williams admits getting drunk and using drugs “in between discovery and rehab.”  That’s how they like to word it, but I think I can come up with a more accurate way:

He started drinking and using drugs shortly after we all gave him a stack of money in exchange for hooking a mechanical cow milker up to his soul.  How’s that grab you, 10tv? 

Big news right there, by the way.  Shocking.  Every time I give a homeless guy a couple of bucks, I assume that he’s either putting it toward his 401k or investing it in precious metals.  You say he drank and smoked it?  Damn, that’s crazy.  Well, there’s no way anyone could have known that was going to happen, so don’t feel bad, media.

It turns out, they do feel bad, but only because if he’s in rehab, then they can’t report on him.  Any chance we can follow him into rehab?

Zero chance, says rehab.  Editors explode into clouds of profanity as they break open crates of bananas and expired sausage, throw them into their horrific, writhing reporter pits, then look away in disgust, shielding their faces from the shrapnel and spit.  The sound is indescribable.

Get me a Golden Voice story by any means necessary! 

Yes, Master, they hiss.  Smeagol will get you a Golden Voice story.

How about his tipsy homeless girlfriend?  Now you’re talking, get her out here.  Oh, dammit, Dr. Phil’s already got her.

Fine, we’ll do an entire story about her appearance on Dr. Phil, there’s nothing weird about that.  Every television show is a news story if a reporter is watching it.

And then – for crying out loud, now she’s going to rehab, too!  Why does everyone always leave us?  Why is Dr. Phil so helpful and awesome, why, why, why? 

Three days later, the Golden Voice checks out of rehab, citing reasons such as “screw this” and “please leave me alone, this is none of your business.”

Oh yes it is, says 10tv.  Everything is some of our business. When was your last bowel movement and how much did it weigh?

The main thing we get from that article is that he’s going back to L.A. to work.  You heard him.  He’s the workaholic kind of homeless guy.

He says that he’ll hold a press conference three days later.  Then he doesn’t hold a press conference, the big liar pants.  Do you think that stops 10tv from writing an article about it?

Nope.  Here’s one called No News Conference For ‘Golden Voice’ Williams

That’s right, it’s an article about the fact that Williams did not hold a press conference.  Because bringing you the news that matters is their sacred duty – someone had to come out and tell the truth.  About nothing at all happening that day with regards to the Golden Voice.

And that point right there is just about where any Psycho Ex-Girlfriend/Former Media Cheerleader has to make a decision.  Do you drop the story just because it’s been over for at least a week and a half?  Or do you ratchet up the crazy a notch, and drop an old-fashioned stalking on him?

Dust off your Christmas Tree suit – it’s Stalkin’ Time.

“Golden Voice” Williams Seen In Central Ohio, declares this 10tv article, though a better title would have been Ted Williams Goes To The Carryout. 

Because, that’s what it’s about.  A woman who went into Speedway and saw Williams and then got her picture taken with him.  It doesn’t tell us if she asked him to sign her breasts like Eddie Van Halen, or not.

If you go to the link now, you’ll see that her face is blurred out.  It wasn’t blurred out this morning, so I’m thinking she didn’t know that they’d be slapping this one right on the front page.  Maybe gave them a ring-ding later and said, hey, I’m ashamed of myself and people are laughing at me and calling me names. 

“I just wanted to prove to everybody that he was in South Bloomfield,” she is quoted as saying in the article.

Because that’s usually what it means when you cancel press conferences, that you want your location proven and publicized.

Watch for potential upcoming 10tv articles, Golden Voice Scratches Butt At Vending Machine and A Candy Bar For The Golden Voice: What Kind Of Candy Bar Was It?

I guess the only thing that you or I might be wondering about now, the only loose end left over would be how about his actual ex-girlfriend.  The one who went on Dr. Phil and then went to rehab, too.  Is she all right, did she stay clean, is she still in there?

Well, that’s too bad, because 10tv’s not wondering that.  They don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about – what ex-girlfriend?



Earlier:  The Feast of the Golden Voice


Tags: , , , , , , ,

The Feast Of The Golden Voice

Ah, yes, another thought-provoking article about Ted Williams, aka the Golden Voice, aka Dr. Feelgood, aka the Macaroni Monster, in which we are all reminded that Ted Williams’ problems aren’t over yet, because instant success can ironically become an instant curse.  Probably we’d all better take a break from patting ourselves on the back for our open-minded compassion and say a nice prayer to our deities for him, because his problems have only just begun.

I mean, sure, you might be thinking well, gee Tom, seems like in the worst case scenario, he blows through all the money he makes, and then he’s homeless again.  Not cool, sure, but not even a net loss.  Like going to Vegas, tearing up the craps tables on the first night, then throwing your winnings around all weekend on strippers and steak, and then breaking even.

A real waste, but that’s not how the strippers see it, still back in Vegas counting their cash.

In this case, the strippers are journalists and promoters.  If I were talking to you in person right now, I’d put air quotes around those two words, but real quotes just don’t quite convey my disdain, you know?  Really, I’d prefer actual strippers, and something tells me that deep down in his heart, Ted Williams would, too.

I can’t imagine Ted Williams will read this, but to be clear, if he does, I’m all for you buddy.  But I can’t help but barf in my mouth a little bit every time I see a news anchor masturbating on the chair next to you, going “Oh, yeah, I’m so compassionate and my values are accurately reflected in this Triumph Of The Human Spirit Story.  I’m like Oprah Winfrey, hell yes I am.”

I mean, Ted, buddy, do these people even know you’re in the room?  How do you keep from going old school ballistic on the sets of those things?

I know that my good friend and fellow blogger Go-Go Rach is probably happy to hear that Alcoholics Anonymous is right on the case.  In fact, Williams’ AA sponsor Alfred Battle has become his right hand man, personally overseeing the Golden Voice’s transition from living in a tent to living the American Dream, all because Battle is a compassionate, caring, humanitarian juggernaut, and did you know that every time he farts an angel gets her wings?

Just ask him – he says he’s known Ted Williams for years and loves him.  What he doesn’t do is finish the thought with the sentence “I just didn’t know he was so money, baby!”

No, he doesn’t say that because he’s just being a Helper Bear, who doesn’t want a thing in return except to see Williams happy, and to make children around the world smile.

Well, also because Battle happens to be a promoter.  He’s in fact the the founder and CEO of Battle Plan Promotions, a nonprofit entertainment company dedicated to developing “undiscovered talent.”

Non-profit.  Sure, okay.  That’s normal, and I believe you, Alfred.

Seriously.  I’m smiling because I’m happy. 

What, man?  I didn’t say a word, you modern day messiah, you.  Sheesh, calm down – did I hit a sore spot or what?

Anyway, I would say that Ted Williams probably does have some worrying to do, and not really because instant success is in and of itself so dangerous, but more because instant success does not change you into someone else, but instead renders you the same guy with significantly fewer limitations.

I’m not here to judge Williams and I sure do wish him well, but it seems to me, homelessness in America is generally caused by mental problems and/or a severe deficiency in decision-making skills, and neither of those things sound like they’d mix well with more money and fewer limitations. 

This guy ought to take the following piece of unsolicited advice, because he certainly does need someone watching his ass.  Didn’t I just see you hugging your mom the other day, Ted? 

Here’s a tip – walk away from the non-profit AA concert promoter, and walk toward your mom with that giant pile of money, and you hand it to her.  All of it.  I can tell you from here – she is your best chance of not getting screwed.

And getting screwed isn’t the only problem ahead for Williams.  I’ve heard that he has a lot of kids – seven of them – so one way that his instant success could land him back on the street is if the Child Support Enforcement Agency somehow – I mean, I don’t know how – hears that he just got a sweet deal singing about Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and then they go ahead and calculate back child support, and then, yoink!

Don’t worry.  They won’t take it all.  Because they have to save some for the IRS.  He’ll have to pay taxes on it, before paying the back child support.  By then, of course, there is an excellent chance that the media will have forgotten all about Ted Williams.

And don’t expect the homeless community to welcome him back with open arms.  Here’s a guy who just raised the bar several meters, for all of his peers.

Sure, Homeless Guy, I’d love to help you out, but can you sing or breakdance or juggle cats or what?  I mean, I’m trying to help you here, but first you got to help me.  By entertaining me in the manner of a court jester, in front of my magic Universe phone.

You’re telling me, I’m the only one who’s getting ill from this?  By this notion of homeless people singing and dancing for sandwiches?

It might surprise you to learn that many homeless people do not have such a hidden talent, so it’s therefore tricky for them to convince our society that they are worthy of compassion and/or a helping hand.

Being sick of this story is most certainly not about being sick of Ted Williams or wishing him ill.  It’s about being appalled by what it takes for us to reach out and help someone, being enraged by self-serving media whores dressing up their money-grubbing antics in philanthropic robes, and saddened by how easy it is for us all to ignore millions of hungry people, just because they failed to sing us a song.



Earlier:  Back To You, Psychotic Meth Lab Preacher Guy

And:  The Sissification of Billy The Kid


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,