Well, they have the same initials and lots of people hate them both equally, but you’re right – there’s nothing funny about either of those things and it’s in poor taste to joke about them. But screw it, right? What is this, a daisy farm?
No, it’s a hard-as-nails, grittily realistic blog and the fact is, both kinds of VD can go hand in hand. For example, one of them is the perfect day to apologize for giving someone the other one. You’re welcome, big fella – that one’s on the house.
Now, what I’m thinking is that I can help you out if you are one of those people who hates Valentine’s Day, with a simple exercise which you might be familiar with from The Brady Bunch or other seventies television shows. Remember how Marsha Brady was nervous about taking her driver’s test, especially because Greg Brady said boys were better drivers than girls? And how Mike Brady told her to simply imagine her driving instructor in his underwear?
Well first of all, I don’t recommend that as a good strategy for raising teenage girls. As you can see, Marsha’s a little bit freaked out by her old, gross, male driving instructor. I can’t see how that helped her at all.
But, what do I know? It worked on countless sitcoms, and what I am proposing is even easier.
If someone is referencing Valentine’s Day in any way at all, even just by receiving flowers for it and smiling too much, then replace “Valentine’s Day” in your mind with “venereal disease.”
Trust me, synaptic pathways are organized alphabetically, by the initials of the concepts they represent. It’ll be a snap.
For instance, that smiling girl at the front desk in your office is glowing with joy because her man just sent her Venereal Disease Flowers. Nothing says Sorry About The Clap quite like flowers, yes?
Especially those people who really show off at Valentine’s Day, like sometimes Lexus commercials will suggest that you buy your wife a freaking Lexus for Valentine’s Day. If anyone you know gets a Lexus for Valentine’s Day, then the VD Switcharoo will come in especially handy.
“I love Venereal Disease – my husband got me a Lexus this year!”
It’s like, damn – this year? How often does the guy go to Vegas and don’t you think he should take a little more money – or possibly you – with him from now on?
I’d knock out a VD Switcharoo app for you to download if I knew how to write code at all and if I knew exactly, precisely what an app is. The app could for instance alter every Facebook and Twitter post in your feed and remove the words “Valentine’s Day” and replace them with the far more hilarious “Venereal Disease.”
Consider the following Facebook post, altered slightly for my purposes, but representative of Super Happy Valentine’s Day Posts everywhere:
“I know that some people have a really negative view of Venereal Disease because they are in the sorts of relationships where all it means are obligations and consumerism. Or because they don’t have anyone to share it with. But I’m wishing you a Happy Venereal Disease anyway, because I’m enjoying mine so much and it makes me think of you. I am so thankful to my husband for a wonderful Venereal Disease! Repost if your husband gave you a great Venereal Disease this year!”
See how you’re a LOT less interested in strangling this person now? That’s because of the app I didn’t write and wouldn’t know how to. You’ll have to use your mighty imagination to swap the words out yourself, but I know you can do it. And you can bet your ass that far more than 93% of people will not repost that, either.
Now, as a word of caution – if you’re in a relationship with someone to whom Valentine’s Day actually means something, someone who takes this crazy ass Hallmark Holiday seriously, then you might want to think long and hard about the value you would place on your relationship with them, because not quite everybody in the world is amused by Venereal Disease jokes. I know, it hardly makes sense, but different strokes for different folks, right?
So anyway, in that case, you’ll have to be extra sneaky. Just say it correctly, while deep down in your heart meaning the gross one, but go ahead and allow the person to whom you are speaking continue to believe that you are talking about the sacred corporate greeting card holiday. Heh. Don’t you feel more hilarious already?
With your pals you can do it more directly, using the abbreviation. “Whattup, Mitch, Happy VD.” Then walk away snickering when he says thanks.
Or when someone asks you, say, what do you two normally do for Valentine’s Day? You can just say, “Well, there are ointments and medications but we try to regulate the outbreaks using diet and exercise. It’s a more holistic approach and it is what Tom Cruise would say, but it still works.”
If they haven’t walked away frowning yet, go ahead and start helpfully removing your pants.
By the way, do you remember that commercial for Valtrex, where they warn you that in 70% of cases, herpes is transmitted to a partner even though there were no visible signs of outbreak? And did you ever think, damn, that means 30% of the time, folks are having sex with their partners even though there is a visible sign of a herpes outbreak? WTF is wrong with people?
Now, listen. This part’s really important. A lot of people celebrate Valentine’s Day with their children, and they give them little hearts full of chocolate, etc. You need to understand that the Hilarity Factor is decreased by approximately seven trillion percent when you are talking to your kids. Not even a skilled samurai comic expert could elicit humor out of a venereal disease joke directed at children. That’s how cops and social workers show up at your door.
And no one’s going to give any credence to the theory that Future Tom so effectively blogged about the VD Hilarity System that it rendered you powerless to use it properly. Take responsibility for yourself, all right?
Go ahead and use the Switcharoo, but like guns and vodka and trips to Vegas, you have to use it responsibly. Don’t ruin it for the rest of us.
In conclusion, Happy VD, Blogosphere, and I do apologize. But I’m afraid you already read it – there’s no way you can unread it.