Monthly Archives: February 2012

Well Look Who Wants Some Help From NASA

One thing Newt Gingrich, NASA, and I all agree on is that we need to get some guys up to the Moon and build a little city, and then we need to get some guys to Mars, get their pictures taken, and then build a little city there, too.

Yes, that’s a lot to take in, and if it makes you feel any better, that is an exhaustive list of the things Newt Gingrich and I agree upon.  But bear with me here.  I’m about one-third serious.

Sure – I know we don’t have any money to throw around turning the little pictures in my head into reality.  I do admit, that’s a giant chunk of it, for me – nothing intellectual, I just want people on Mars driving around in little bubble cars with ray guns on them, preferably fighting monsters (and preferably winning).

So don’t start lecturing me about the budget.  I’m a screaming liberal – you can jam that budget right up your ass, we’ll buy whatever I say we’re buying.  Now get out there and create some jobs you lazy millionaires, I’m running up quite a tab here for crying out loud.

Maybe there’s some indigenous Martians we can steamroll over – something for the both of us, right?

I do agree though – NASA could do a better job marketing itself.  To be blunt, they don’t blow stuff up very often, but when they do it’s big, crazy expensive stuff, there are sometimes people in the stuff, and it’s always right on camera.  They don’t get a lot of air time when they do it right, you get about five seconds of footage – There go those crazy astronauts!  Look they took a panda bear and a treadmill with ’em this time!

Sure but right when they blow something – good lord, it’s awful.  They usually have to spend most of their effort trying to sockpuppet their way through an explanation of how any of this is even possible in the first place.  Then we pick out words that stick out because we understand them, but which don’t make sense.

Tiles?  What the hell are you taking about, tiles?  Spaceship tiles?  Why does the sky burn spaceships?  It doesn’t burn me.  It doesn’t even burn the horizontal kind of airplane.  Shit, it doesn’t even burn the tiles!

So we get all mad at them, like we do at regular tech guys on Earth.  Just Old-Fashioned, Language Barrier At The Drive Thru Window frustrated and mad.  Except we need our computers, we use them every day and we realize it pretty quickly, so we tolerate the terrestrial Tech Guy.

But do we really need these smug Super Tech Guys talking crazy to us while they blow stuff up?  It’s hard not to run through it in your head – would I even notice if you guys weren’t in space, screwing around? 

Then sometimes they hold dramatic press conferences and make everybody think they’ve discovered life on some other planet or a freaking time warp or something, but instead it’s something else, something you don’t even know what the hell, and they have to explain to you why you should be so excited about it. 

Or other times one of them puts on a diaper, drives across state lines, shoots somebody.  They end up explaining that yes, they sort of wear diapers sometimes in space, and yes, you can go Space Crazy.  “We used to really keep that shit under our hat til the Internet showed up,” they tell us.

Yes, and nobody likes the price tag and nobody ever taught them how to fudge the price tag.  They just come out and tell us, yeah, we’re going to crash this robot into Venus, see what happens.  Be around eighty million dollars but it’s going to be sweet, get some whiskey.

They should just price everything they do in terms of countries.  The Moon Base, for example, will probably cost us a couple of annualized Canadas.  I mean, I know where we can get one of them, sure – but where the hell are we going to get another?

I don’t know, Republicans – that’s your problem.  Just get out your checkbooks, there’s a killer asteroid coming and I’ve been busy blogging, so I’ll have to get you back on the next one. 

You heard me.  See for yourself – here’s the article, right from one of your notorious neo-conservative websites:  Asteroid 2011 AG5 May Pose Threat To Earth In 2040.

Now, put down your hookers and your Monopoly hats and focus.  I need you to understand a few things.  1) Asteroids have hit the Earth in the past  2) Asteroids have wiped out entire species on Earth in the past and 3) There are still asteroids all over the place out there, a whole bunch of them that keep right on moving because there is so rarely anything Earth-like in their way.

But did you catch that?  Rarely.  We’ve always known a killer asteroid was a possibility, but it has always seemed so remote.  Somewhere south of lightning strike odds.  I think the last big one to hit the Earth was about seventy million years ago (and no, I’m not going to google it).  So if the odds are one in seventy million, then we are about due aren’t we?

What if the odds are 1 in 625?  Cause that’s what they are currently calculating as the odds that this 460 foot chunk of iron will strike the Earth.  Right from the article:

“Talk about the asteroid was on the agenda during the 49th session of the Scientific and Technical Subcommittee of the United Nations Committee on the Peaceful Uses of Outer Space (COPUOS), held earlier this month in Vienna.”

Did you even know there were peaceful uses for outer space?  I didn’t either.  Death Stars, Star Destroyers, X-Wing Fighters.  Plus don’t even get me started on the enormous hand-shaped Teeth Monsters that live inside the asteroids.  Just absolutely infested with Mynoks. 

Anywho, this is literally a Rocket Scientist Meeting in Vienna we’re talking about – a big one – and they were taking this as seriously as anything else. 

Guess what they agreed?  They said, well, we haven’t been watching it that long, so we can’t be sure yet.  We’d put that odds at oh, 1 in 625, we’ll keep an eye on it.  And anyway, we’d have until 2023 to get a deflection mission going if it’s really headed our way.

But here’s what I think.  I think they’re watching the rest of us.  I think they’re hearing us talk about how dumb it is to send people into space and how we need to keep our feet on the ground and gee, it would be nice to play Space Man but we have enough problems right here. I think they’re hearing the whole thing – who needs NASA?

And I think that if they determine the asteroid is headed our way, they’re going to smirk and turn around with their hands on their hips and go, “Wellllllll, welllllll, welllllllll – look who needs a space mission from NASA to save eeeeevvvverrrrryboddy’s assss.”

Come on NASA, just deflect the meteor.  Ohhhh, I don’t know, fellas – that’d be reeeaaaaalll expensive and there’s nooooooo money.  We have enough problems right here on the ground!

Maybe turn out their pockets and shrug theatrically at us.  Member, fellas?  We don’t have enough money to goof around in space with our space toys, so you kept cutting our funding and second-guessing every single thing we wanted to crash into something else.  Every single hundred million dollar thing we want to fly to Mars and drive around.  Sure, maybe we could help you  – if we’d HAD MORE PRACTICE!

Anyway, that’s why I think we need the Moon Base.  It’s not why Gingrich thinks that, he was just running his mouth and something true flew out of it – the sun even shines on a dog’s ass some days, yessir.  But he’s right and it’s actually very simple. 

This is what the rocket scientists want to do, and we don’t want to offend the rocket scientists cause we’re going to need them when the asteroid finally shows up, whether it’s this one or another one.  The math is done – it’s coming, it’s just a matter of whether it’s now or fifty years or ten million, but oh yes, it’s coming.  I mean, they just now started looking in the last fifty years, and there’s one!  THERE’S ONE RIGHT THERE, GONNA BE CLOSE!

Are you betting on the fifty million?  Okay, well you do that.  I’m going to stand over here with the scientists, maybe shake ’em up a few martinis, take that edge off.

And speaking of which, we’re talking about NASA, so regardless of whatever plan they’re hammering together in Vienna, there’s a good chance they’re not deflecting it.  They’ll just spend four Spains and a Portugal trying to, and then go, “Aw shit.  Now it’s on fire and it’s going faster.” 

You see, we can’t be sure it’s going to miss us, and we definitely can’t be sure this crew is going to deflect it – God bless ’em but it’s not like they never screw anything up.  The only thing we can be sure of is that the asteroid is not going to hit two places, whenever it arrives.  So therefore we have to make sure we’re not all sitting around in one place – like the President and Vice President, yes?  Human race?  Carrying on?  Into the future? How many eggs do we keep in our basket again? 

Also, do you know how to check and see if there’s already a Moon Base?  Me either – if you asked me yesterday, I’d call NASA and ask them, but do you think they’re going to tell us about it now?  Good God, man – wake up.  It’s like, if you don’t let your kid on Facebook they’ll just get on there anyway and block you, so instead you let them and friend them and then do a standard Lurk And Watch. 

So building a Moon Base and getting actual, live people over to Mars is not just about ensuring humanity’s survival, it’s about keeping an eye on NASA’s otherwise-secret Moon Base and so on.  It’s about being paranoid and creepy.  And yes, it’s about spending money we don’t have on shit, just because I think it’s cool.

But mostly it’s about us, sitting here living in the toilet we just turned the world into and we’re flipping off the only people who can get us off of it.  I can’t shake my face hard enough for that to make sense. Everybody’s moving to freaking Idaho, like that’s going to help. First we decide the Nobel Prize sucks and now we’re all like, Shut Up Rocket Scientists We’re Trying To Eat Our Chicken Wings!

Like they’re not going to have chicken wings on the Moon.  Pull your head out of your ass, America.  Look down just a little and ask yourself:  Is this the future I want for my children?  And let’s be honest, we’ll be lucky to build one Blurry Triangle Asteroid Shooty Unit by 2040.  These two are fully operational, and they have their hands full.  We need to get busy, and we need to get busy NOW.



Earlier:  2010: The Year We Find Weird Microbes In A Lake

And:  I’m Sorry Did You Just Say Supermoon?

And:  The Startling Mind Of God Coincidence

And:  Welcome To The Harmless Ice Monster Project


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wyoming: The Doomsday State

I don’t know if they have gotten around to printing up new license plates with mushroom clouds on them or anything, but that does seem like the way they are headed.  As you can probably imagine, Wyoming is the most likely state to survive an all-out apocalyptic scenario in the U.S., because so many people keep forgetting it’s there.

Like did you know Wyoming just now, a few years ago decided to outlaw open containers in moving vehicles?  Yes, really, here’s an article from January 2007 (Panel OK’s Ban On Open Containers) announcing that the controversial No Road Pop Bill passed, and I couldn’t find the Time Magazine editorial where I first read about it, but it was written by a Wyoming cowboy writer guy, who said pretty much, “When we weren’t looking all of the sudden a bunch of liberals got a hold of the Statehouse and rammed this crazy bullshit through.  Does anybody have any idea how big Wyoming is and how boring it is to drive across it?”

And all that time MADD was on the rest of our asses, no one seemed to notice all the cowboys with beers between their legs, rocking around Wyoming like it was 1975.  And in fairness, cowboys are like bears – you know how you can fatally shoot a bear and it will still keep trying to rip your head off and eat it for a few more minutes?

No?  Well, they can.  Then they drop dead next to your headless body, and when Forest Police show up, they’re like “What in the Sam Hill do you reckon happened here?”

That’s how cowboys are when they’re cowboying around.  According to a recent MIT study, it is in fact physically impossible for a real, true cowboy to have an accident at all, regardless of his blood alcohol content as long as the vehicle he is driving is a truck or a golf cart.  And even if they are killed, they can – like bears – continue to cowboy for astonishing lengths of time.

Take the case of Jesse Blake, a Cheyenne rodeo cowboy who was decapitated in a freak accident while assisting the National Guard with an old-fashioned Billy Goat Roundup.  It was some kind of train accident, and the train was full of billy goats and it was moving slowly enough that they weren’t all mashed-up or on fire, they were just hanging around eating stuff like the one on M*A*S*H. 

Witnesses attested that Mr. Blake continued rounding up billy goats for a solid three hours after his head hit the ground, then he dumped a beer down his own neck stump, dug a grave for himself, and then went to sleep playing Johnny Cash on his guitar horizontally. 

You can’t argue with science, blogosphere.  You can’t argue with HISTORY.

So anyway don’t tell me cowboys can’t drive around drinking beer, and don’t tell me there is anyone else in Wyoming but cowboys, cause that’s bullshit.  What’s their football team called again?  All right then, so pipe down and soak up the cultural information.

But more to the point, that’s the first thing I thought of when Alert Facebook Friend Sonnin Dahl sent me this article, entitled Wyoming House Advances Doomsday Bill.  Wyoming probably figured, well, if the liberals got to our Road Pops, then the end is probably right around the corner.  We’d better hammer out a plan for when that Aztec God wakes up and starts kicking over buildings and breathing fire and whatnot.

Now.  Bear in mind that once the shit hits the fan, Wyoming is not likely to be like, “Oh, everybody come on up to Wyoming, we’d be happy to share our cowboy resources with you.”  So if you’re planning to get in on their doomsday plan, you’d better get out a map, locate Wyoming, buy yourself a cowboy hat and get over there, start knocking out some taxes.  Post apocalyptic freedom isn’t free.

Right from the article, with helpful translations added in parenthesis so you don’t get confused:

“The task force would look at the feasibility of Wyoming issuing its own alternative currency (Cowboy bucks), if needed. And House members approved an amendment Friday by state Rep. Kermit Brown, R-Laramie, to have the task force also examine conditions under which Wyoming would need to implement its own military draft (a large church bell), raise a standing army (posse), and acquire strike aircraft (Ducks-n-firecrackers) and an aircraft carrier (WHAT?)”

I’m trying to stay as open-minded as I can, here, fellas, but unlike the rest of the world, I know where Wyoming is.  If you are looking for an aircraft carrier to park in your landlocked state, just commandeer a Walmart and rename it The Texas or something. 

Actually, the whole thing’s not that big of a deal.  The budget laid out for the plan was $32,000 and now it’s been cut in half, so that’s like six teacher salaries – easy, Chicken Little. 

And the bill’s sponsor, suspiciously normal-named David Miller says that “he doesn’t anticipate any major crises hitting America anytime soon,” but that it’s just a generally good idea to prepare.  Which is what I always think when people start stacking up sandbags along the river – they’re not worried about anything, stacking is as stacking does.  Who knows what’s going to happen, Tommy C, we’re just stackin’ up sand bags.  It’s our way.

I guess really I’m just picking on Wyoming for dumb, blogger reasons:  (1) Alert Reader Sonnin Dahl told me to, (2) I don’t actually do stuff so it makes me feel better to criticize other people who do, and (3) Wyoming is WAY over there and they don’t have the Internet to my knowledge, so they’ll never hear about my wacky antics. 

And even if they do, did you see me kissing all that cowboy ass earlier?  Plus I got a case of beer in the garage if any cowboys show up and I know the recipe for steak and if I have to I can grow a moustache.  I got it covered. 

Leave a comment

Posted by on February 26, 2012 in News/Commentary, Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,