On a much lighter note (heh) meet Lauren Craig, my new hero and mystical spirit guide, a champion of year-round Christmas lights, and possibly the greatest American to walk the Earth since Wyatt Earp Himself.
As Fox News has no doubt made you aware by now, there is a War on Christmas in this country. Every year, retailers and government offices and communist book clubs and pods of hissing, vampiric organic farmers fail to block off the entire month of December for a Christian-Only Don’t Mention Any Other Religion Cavalcade of Supreme Christmas Domination, and yes as you might have guessed, it really cracks me up.
But Lauren Craig trumps Fox News, by fighting the War For Christmas all the way into February and beyond.
Actually, she has nothing to do with Fox News, except both of them love Christmas and both of them do battle with Christmas Foes in all their slithering, blasphemous incarnations. Is the enemy of Lauren’s enemy her friend? Or her enemy?
That’s either from The Art of War by Sun Tzu or it’s what the mean hybrid vampire told Blade in Blade II, right before Blade kicked the shit out of him. Whichever one it is, it’s clear that Christmas Warrior Lauren Craig is a student of both timeless works, because by her own testimony, she believes that when you mess with the bull, you get the horns.
She also believes, like me and NASA and Harvard University and probably the mighty Mr. T, that Christmas lights are so pretty, there’s really no point in ever taking them down. So she didn’t take them down. (There’s an article about her here, but this one’s better and longer and you’re already reading it, so what would be the point?)
She lives in Amhearst, Massachusetts, and I’ve seen nothing to indicate that she has a Homeowner’s Association, so unless there’s a local ordinance about when you’re allowed to clip lights to your house (seems unlikely) then she’s well within her rights.
But that didn’t stop one of her neighbors from anonymously posting a note on her door. By the time that happened, it was late February, so naturally, Lauren had hilariously added a Leprechaun to the display. I had the guys from Ghost Hunters roll by there with an Electromagnetic Comedy Detector and the thing went completely apeshit. It practically exploded.
So you might not think it’s funny, but you’re arguing with science, my friend, and you’re kind of embarrassing yourself.
Her neighbor was doing both of those things, too. I’m reading the scrawled note off the image from the article, and here’s what it says, with my comments in italicized bold lettering for your information and enjoyment:
“Dear (whatever house number), I noticed that you still seem to have your Christmas lights up. (Well done, Adrian Monk) I am not sure you realize that Christmas is over. (Well then why would Lauren add the leprechaun? Duh.)
Now let me ask (Okay, but if you want an answer, maybe knock on the door instead of posting anonymous letters and scuttling away) why you would have Christmas decorations up with a Leprechaun on your door? (Jeez, you already answered that yourself – because Christmas is over. These are clearly St. Patrick’s Day decorations with reindeer in the yard, and she’s doing that because reindeer like to drink, too.)
In any case, the addition of the decorations is causing (And here I can’t read the handwriting, but I don’t think it’s joy) among your neighbors. Something needs to be done! (Pumpkins?)
You have 3 days!! (Huh?)“
It’s the last two sentences that really catch my eye. Does that sound like a threat posted on someone’s door next to an Easter Leprechaun to you? I’d know that sound anywhere – that’s sure what it sounds like to me.
That’s what it sounded like to Lauren Craig, too, but since she’d spent most of January reading Sun Tzo’s The Art of War and watching every Wesley Snipes movie she could get her hands on, she wasn’t particularly worried about it. She said something along the lines of, howza about you come on over here and make me, Secret Bitchy Neighbor? How’s that sound?
And then she blasted as many Christmas lights and Leprechauns all over her house and yard as she could possibly find. According to my friend Charlie up in the International Space Station, it woke him up out of a dead, vodka-fueled sleep and just in time, too. If not for Lauren Craig, the Space Station would have “almost certainly crashed into the Moon.”
Lauren didn’t know that, though, because she was busy calling CNN and planning a big late-February Christmas Bash, which I then caught on the news, where Lauren was certainly not quoted as saying “Anyone else comes around here posting a note on my door about Christmas decorations is going to find themselves wearing their asses for hats.”
But I’m pretty sure that’s what she meant.
This was followed by a fascinating new CNN “news technique” in which they basically read their Facebook page to you. That’s just in case you haven’t had enough Facebook, see.
Right there on national television, I got to hear from several people with varying takes on Christmas lights (which, again, that’s not even what they are anymore, people, they’re St. Patrick’s Day lights, and at the time they were President’s Day lights.)
So while the Middle East was exploding with historic riots and American citizens in Wisconsin and Ohio struggled to stop Darth Vader from completing the Death Star, I was sitting there watching a national newscaster tell me that Bill from Kentucky thought Christmas lights were cool, and screw that busybody. And Busybody Glenda from Boston thought, Christmas lights are crass and what other people staple to their houses is naturally some of my business.
And then they took some callers – the news from all sides, yes? – and one showstopper said, Hey, my husband’s coming home from Afghanistan and hasn’t been home for Christmas in six years, so we’re not taking the lights down until he gets here, you got that?
Oh, we got it, replied veteran reporter Chaz Dixon or whatever that zombified suit-wearing mannequin’s name was – he sure had shiny teeth.
To be clear, me and Chaz and Lauren and Mr. T and Wesley Snipes all agree, if you’ve been in Afghanistan for six years, your wife can pretty much do whatever she pleases and it’s okay with us. Nobody wants any trouble, no sir.
Well, Lauren Craig might want a little trouble, if you’ve got some kind of a problem with her National Popcorn Week Lights, or whatever kind of lights they are now. And if you’ve got a problem with Lauren Craig, my friends – you have a problem with Future Tom.
Lauren Craig – you and your family are truly, definitely, without any sarcasm at all, my heroes. I have had countless neighbors like yours and one of my favorite things in the entire world is to moon them through my front window while they’re frowning at me. You are an inspiration, a decorative Samurai warrior, and I’ll bet your kids spend every waking second happy and cracking up.
If you ever roll through Columbus, Ohio, you and your husband have an icy cold beer coming to you, and your kids have some Coldstone on deck, and if you have a dog I’ll make him a bacon cheeseburger.
You’ve all earned it, and so much more – it’s the very least I can do. I am humbly at your service.