Monthly Archives: September 2011

Beware The Vicious New Albany Marijuana Cartels

Holy Crap, lock up your daughters and hide your jewelry – there is a ruthless drug cartel operating in the upscale Columbus suburb of New Albany, and by all indications, no one is safe from their sociopathic drive for money and power.  Just look at this horrifying article entitled Toddler Finds Marijuana At New Albany Park.

Well, all right.  Clicking links can be exhausting so I’ll just toss up the first hilarious paragraph right here for your information and enjoyment:

“Police said on Thursday that a bag of marijuana found at a park was probably left as part of a drug deal.”

And I’m afraid I’ll have to stop you right there, New Albany Police, because I know I’m not a trained law enforcement officer, etc, etc, etc.  But listen to me – even according to my limited understanding of drug deals, that doesn’t seem to me to be how it works.

A drug deal, you see, is similar to any other type of deal.  The buyer brings money to the deal, and then the seller brings the drugs.  After agreeing upon a price, the buyer then gives the money to the seller – and right here is the crucial part of what I’m saying – the seller then gives the drugs to the buyer, who takes them away with him. 

Or her, sure.  But a far less common way to handle a drug deal is to leave the drugs on the ground, or in a playground, or – as the article very weirdly suggests later – at a “pond.”

Now fortunately I do have an alternative theory, one far less alarming than Suburban Playground Crips or whatever.  It’s kind of out there, so bear with me.

Perhaps – just perhaps – one or more stoners, possibly of the teenage variety, since they seem comfortable on playgrounds, visited the area the night before.  And then he or she or they became stoned, because that’s what stoners do.  And then because they were stoned, they left their little bag of weed wherever they were sitting.

Accidentally, you know?  Perhaps distracted by the need for some Taco Bell or Pizza Rolls.

This case, I’ll tell you it’s like an onion – layer after layer after layer.

Obviously the mom was freaked out.  She said, man, if my toddler had put that in his mouth, I would have flipped.  Because yes, that will get you high as shit, sucking on a bag of marijuana and then spitting it out because it tastes like a handful of dirt.

Anyway, sure the mom was freaked.  Drugs equals scary and kids shouldn’t have them and all that.  I mean, I’m sure not suggesting that she should have pocketed the drugs and then gone home and smoked them while she watched Sponge Bob Squarepants with her toddler, because I’m a moral agent in the universe and I know what’s right and wrong. 

And it gets worse, I’m afraid.  There’s a pattern emerging:

“Police said that a similar incident recently occurred at a nearby park in the Windsor neighborhood.  Another young child picked up a bag of marijuana there, Barry reported.

According to investigators, criminals are finding specific distribution points in unlikely places, including nearby ponds.”

So I’m following the law enforcement logic here, and what I’m learning is that criminals are dropping off forty dollar bags of drugs right out in the open where children can find them, because that’s a safe and clever and effective way of distributing them, as opposed to I don’t know, handing them to each other.  In maybe a house or apartment with the door closed. 

And ponds?  Okay, sure.  Everybody knows if you’re looking to score a bag of “reefer” then you get on Facebook, click like on “drugs” then head to the nearest pond with one of those reggae hats on.  Play a waiting game.

And just in case you don’t think the mom is grasping the seriousness of the situation:

“”I just think that it’s very incredibly selfish for someone to smoke it in the park or leave it in a park,” the mother said.”

I don’t know, Momma Bear.  It seems to me like the selfish thing to do would be to keep the drugs.  Leaving it in the park for moms and kids to enjoy – that’s downright altruistic.  I mean if you’re a stoner who values drugs, not if you’re me or you or anybody who respects the law and their bodies, etc, etc. etc.

By now you’re probably wondering, Future Tom, what can I do to keep my head from getting cut off by a horrifying New Albany Drug Cartel, and having it stuck on a turtle and walked around Easton?  Well don’t worry, cause the New Albany cops got you covered:

“Police said that all parents should remain vigilant and never take their eyes off their children.  Anyone who sees anything suspicious should call authorities.”

Never.  Take.  Your Eyes.  Off.  Your Children.  Strong language, yes?  That means this crappy mom should have followed her kid into the little fort where he found the drugs, because then none of this would have happened.

And report ANYTHING suspicious to the authorities, who will no doubt spring into action like they do when your car has been broken into or when someone is peeing in your yard.  Just feel free to call them and tell them that you are at the park and you don’t like the looks of those teenagers.  SWAT guys are hot – you’ll get an eyefull at the very least, and they don’t mind suiting up every time someone sees a kid with a skull on his shirt. 

The best thing you can do is stay alert and informed and above all – follow the instructions of those who are trained to protect and serve, cause they’ve got their thumb on this thing.  They’re chasing down every lead, shaking the trees, beating the streets, and it’s only a matter of time before they take the bad guys down, with electric guitars playing.  Cause they’re crackin’ down.

And for God’s sake stay out of the New Albany playgrounds – they’re like South Campus or the west side at midnight.  Unless you have one of those concealed carry deals, which ought to clear everything up the way secret guns always do when you add them to drugs.

All right then, good talk, Blogosphere.  Keep watching the skies.


Posted by on September 24, 2011 in News/Commentary, Parenting/Family


Tags: , , , , , , , ,