Monthly Archives: September 2011

Beware The Vicious New Albany Marijuana Cartels

Holy Crap, lock up your daughters and hide your jewelry – there is a ruthless drug cartel operating in the upscale Columbus suburb of New Albany, and by all indications, no one is safe from their sociopathic drive for money and power.  Just look at this horrifying article entitled Toddler Finds Marijuana At New Albany Park.

Well, all right.  Clicking links can be exhausting so I’ll just toss up the first hilarious paragraph right here for your information and enjoyment:

“Police said on Thursday that a bag of marijuana found at a park was probably left as part of a drug deal.”

And I’m afraid I’ll have to stop you right there, New Albany Police, because I know I’m not a trained law enforcement officer, etc, etc, etc.  But listen to me – even according to my limited understanding of drug deals, that doesn’t seem to me to be how it works.

A drug deal, you see, is similar to any other type of deal.  The buyer brings money to the deal, and then the seller brings the drugs.  After agreeing upon a price, the buyer then gives the money to the seller – and right here is the crucial part of what I’m saying – the seller then gives the drugs to the buyer, who takes them away with him. 

Or her, sure.  But a far less common way to handle a drug deal is to leave the drugs on the ground, or in a playground, or – as the article very weirdly suggests later – at a “pond.”

Now fortunately I do have an alternative theory, one far less alarming than Suburban Playground Crips or whatever.  It’s kind of out there, so bear with me.

Perhaps – just perhaps – one or more stoners, possibly of the teenage variety, since they seem comfortable on playgrounds, visited the area the night before.  And then he or she or they became stoned, because that’s what stoners do.  And then because they were stoned, they left their little bag of weed wherever they were sitting.

Accidentally, you know?  Perhaps distracted by the need for some Taco Bell or Pizza Rolls.

This case, I’ll tell you it’s like an onion – layer after layer after layer.

Obviously the mom was freaked out.  She said, man, if my toddler had put that in his mouth, I would have flipped.  Because yes, that will get you high as shit, sucking on a bag of marijuana and then spitting it out because it tastes like a handful of dirt.

Anyway, sure the mom was freaked.  Drugs equals scary and kids shouldn’t have them and all that.  I mean, I’m sure not suggesting that she should have pocketed the drugs and then gone home and smoked them while she watched Sponge Bob Squarepants with her toddler, because I’m a moral agent in the universe and I know what’s right and wrong. 

And it gets worse, I’m afraid.  There’s a pattern emerging:

“Police said that a similar incident recently occurred at a nearby park in the Windsor neighborhood.  Another young child picked up a bag of marijuana there, Barry reported.

According to investigators, criminals are finding specific distribution points in unlikely places, including nearby ponds.”

So I’m following the law enforcement logic here, and what I’m learning is that criminals are dropping off forty dollar bags of drugs right out in the open where children can find them, because that’s a safe and clever and effective way of distributing them, as opposed to I don’t know, handing them to each other.  In maybe a house or apartment with the door closed. 

And ponds?  Okay, sure.  Everybody knows if you’re looking to score a bag of “reefer” then you get on Facebook, click like on “drugs” then head to the nearest pond with one of those reggae hats on.  Play a waiting game.

And just in case you don’t think the mom is grasping the seriousness of the situation:

“”I just think that it’s very incredibly selfish for someone to smoke it in the park or leave it in a park,” the mother said.”

I don’t know, Momma Bear.  It seems to me like the selfish thing to do would be to keep the drugs.  Leaving it in the park for moms and kids to enjoy – that’s downright altruistic.  I mean if you’re a stoner who values drugs, not if you’re me or you or anybody who respects the law and their bodies, etc, etc. etc.

By now you’re probably wondering, Future Tom, what can I do to keep my head from getting cut off by a horrifying New Albany Drug Cartel, and having it stuck on a turtle and walked around Easton?  Well don’t worry, cause the New Albany cops got you covered:

“Police said that all parents should remain vigilant and never take their eyes off their children.  Anyone who sees anything suspicious should call authorities.”

Never.  Take.  Your Eyes.  Off.  Your Children.  Strong language, yes?  That means this crappy mom should have followed her kid into the little fort where he found the drugs, because then none of this would have happened.

And report ANYTHING suspicious to the authorities, who will no doubt spring into action like they do when your car has been broken into or when someone is peeing in your yard.  Just feel free to call them and tell them that you are at the park and you don’t like the looks of those teenagers.  SWAT guys are hot – you’ll get an eyefull at the very least, and they don’t mind suiting up every time someone sees a kid with a skull on his shirt. 

The best thing you can do is stay alert and informed and above all – follow the instructions of those who are trained to protect and serve, cause they’ve got their thumb on this thing.  They’re chasing down every lead, shaking the trees, beating the streets, and it’s only a matter of time before they take the bad guys down, with electric guitars playing.  Cause they’re crackin’ down.

And for God’s sake stay out of the New Albany playgrounds – they’re like South Campus or the west side at midnight.  Unless you have one of those concealed carry deals, which ought to clear everything up the way secret guns always do when you add them to drugs.

All right then, good talk, Blogosphere.  Keep watching the skies.


Posted by on September 24, 2011 in News/Commentary, Parenting/Family


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Hookers And Church, Together At Last

I mean, on the surface it seems like an improvement on the standard church, right?  Usually you go in, you drop off some money, and nobody fornicates with you at all.  You get a cracker and a few musical numbers, maybe a headache.

But not at the Phoenix Goddess Temple, which you can read all about in this CNN article, Arizona church is house of prostitution, police say.

You see, the Phoenix cops keep their feelers out, they keep their ears to the ground, they keep their thumbs on the pulse of the city they patrol, and so there was no way their keen senses would fail to pick up the brothel/church that was operating in their midst, like one of those Kentucky Fried Chickens that is also a Long John Silvers.

Two great tastes that taste great together, and all that.

Nice try, church hookers, said the cops, who were on to them in no time, gleaning the tiniest of details about the operation from “neighbor complaints, a recent newspaper article, and the temple’s website.”

Let’s pause a moment to ponder the complexity of those tiny jigsaw pieces that the Phoenix cops had to snap together, the clock ticking the whole time.  Every hour that passed, someone was having tax-free church sex for money.  Think of the overtime.  Think of the children!

Anyway, once they heard from the people who lived near the church that it was a brothel, and then read in the paper that it was a brothel, and then went to their website and confirmed that it sure sounded like a brothel, they decided they had to make a move.  Build their case for the D.A.

Any volunteers, boys?

Bet your ass.  According to the article, they just wrapped up a six month investigation into the goings-on at the Phoenix Goddess Temple, culminating in the arrest of 20 men and women, and they’re still searching for 17 more.

So, I’m trying to get my mind around the nature and scope of this investigation, and I have to say, it really seems like once you’ve confirmed that anyone at all is engaging in prostitution on the church property, then you’ve got yourself a pretty good case.  Round up a half a dozen and I’d say it’s airtight.

But 37?  The Phoenix Police decided they needed to go in there and check everybody?

Yeah, Sarge, bad news.  That one was a prostitute, too.”

“Damn it, that’s the tenth one.  Are you sure?”

“Well, I’m not positive.  You’d better go on over and check for yourself.  Her name is Brandi.”

“Do you think the nightmare will ever end, Johnny?”

“I don’t know, Sarge.  God help me, I just don’t know.”


I think that six months is a pretty long time to spend checking to see if a place has hookers in it.  I think hookers are gross, to be clear, but give me a few hundred bucks, and I can let you know if there are any hookers around, and I’ll be able to give you your money back, too, minus my bar tab.  Might get my ass kicked a little, but I’ll be able to tell you for certain, fairly quickly. 

You’re telling me you checked the same building for six months?

And then you said, “Yep.  37 of them were hookers, bunch of monsters.  God, it was Hell on earth in there.”

And right about now, you’re probably thinking, Tom, don’t your kids read your blog sometimes?  And the answer is yes, but don’t worry – I’ve warned them time and again to stay out of churches.  I’m like some kind of superdad, so mind your own business.

Anyway, then if you read the rest of the article, it kind of reluctantly tells you that the Phoenix Goddess Temple was attempting to use some kind of legal bullshittery to hide behind freedom of religion.

Claiming, well actually the sex is free, and when sex is free it isn’t illegal.  We’re also a church and sometimes we get donations, and yes, sometimes those donations might coincide with Churchy Sexy Time, but they’re still donations.

Screw that, says Maricopa County Attorney Bill Montgomery.  Because there’s no way that anyone except Mormons are allowed to engage in criminally deviant sexual behavior as a part of their bullshit, tax dodge religious beliefs.

That’s not exactly what he said, and I’m sorry Mormons, I was just snapping your underpants there, you’re all awesome. 

But anyway, when pretty much all churches are creepy and weird to you, it’s always odd to watch one get shut down for being creepy and weird.  If you want to go after churches for sex crimes, how about the ones whose priests have been molesting children as regular as clockwork for decades? 

See how the victims of the Catholic Church for example, were horrified children being molested by monsters?  And see how the victims of the Phoenix Goddess Church were asking for, paying for, and most likely thoroughly enjoying the gross thing that’s happened to them?  Where should we focus our law enforcement resources?

And how much did this whole thing cost, for crying out loud?  Six months overtime and 37 arrests?  I mean good lord, Phoenix PD – I sure hope no one is selling meth or robbing people or assaulting women as they walk down the street in your city, because you seem disturbingly like you’ve been banging hookers for six months on the taxpayer dime, and you seem disturbingly proud of it.  Why don’t you guys pull your pants up and get back to work?

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Posted by on September 10, 2011 in News/Commentary