Is My Breakfast Bothering You?

Eating organic food is like being a vegetarian – for some reason, even if you’re sitting over there quietly, minding your own business while you eat, it really seems to irritate people.

I think it’s because when you’re doing either of those things, you are telling everybody and their moms that they are doing it wrong.  Some folks think, hey, that’s not how I do it, and that’s not how my mom does it.  So you must think you’re right, and me and my mom are wrong.

What’d you say about my mom, punk?

But I think it’s important to focus on the minding my own business part.  I don’t know if you can even imagine how much of a rat’s ass I don’t give about what you are eating, so it’s weird and startling if you even start asking what’s on my plate for any reason other than swooping down on it.

Also, I’m not psycho about it – I’m talking milk and eggs, things notoriously hormone-tainted, things we eat all the time.  You want to go to White Castle?  Cause I’ll go to White Castle, no problem.

It’s just an eating habit I’ve selected, mostly because I read about growth hormones and girls growing breasts at the age of eight, and I’m so irresponsible I decided I didn’t need to wait for the science to come in.  Sounded pretty straightforward, and the worst that could happen was, I’d waste a little money. 

I’ll bet you drink Diet Coke or something, even though it actually has nothing to do with dieting, and we both know it.  But go ahead – you’re an adult like me, and it’s your belly.  Enjoy.

My wife’s a vegetarian, but not the kind who follows you around throwing buckets of pig blood on you.  She just doesn’t like meat, and she doesn’t think it’s particularly good for you, and doesn’t like the inefficient way it’s produced.  That’s really all she does – sits there and doesn’t like it and refrains from consuming it.

But she can cook it or watch me cook it or watch me eat it, without getting outraged or breaking into song.  That’s how interested she is in minding her own business on the subject – we can all eat whatever the hell we want, out here in the wide, wide world. 

So isn’t it odd that a certain percentage of the population instinctively engages her in a really rude and unpleasant form of debate on the subject.  Suddenly she’s a member of PETA who wants to shut down your grandpa’s farm.

My favorite is when someone tells her that they are meatarians.  That’s quite a mindbender of a joke, dudes.  All you eat is meat, I got it – you’re that old school.  What you don’t eat is vegetables, that’s the choice you’re making.  Much like a small child would, meat and candy bars – good for you.

Again, eat what you want, but when your clever joke was featured on a Wendy’s commercial from eight years ago, that means your joke hasn’t been clever for at least nine years.

It’s the same way with organic food – people just hate the idea.  I must think I’m sooooo smart, paying twice as much for my eggs and milk, but really I’m stupid, because it’s the same milk and eggs! 

A delightful concept to many people – the idea that people who pay extra for organic food are getting duped.  And that’s the spectrum of possibilities, it seems – you’re either a full vegan who eats nothing but 100% organic food, or you’re a regular Joe who doesn’t think about the concept for even a second because he knows it might turn him gay.

Every once in a while, a groundbreaking scientific article comes out with a nice, juicy claim like “Organic Food No More Nutritious Than Standard Fare!”  And everyone’s grandma cuts it out and sends it to them, or to their spouse.  See, Insecure Grandma says – you were wrong and I was right.  Get over here for your bacon salad sandwich on Wonder Bread.

Except it isn’t about additional nutrition.  It isn’t about what’s in the food.  It’s about what’s not in the food.

And it isn’t even your food, it’s mine.  I thought we already agreed that we’d both eat whatever we wanted.

Even Penn & Teller did an episode about it.  They went to a hippie market and served slices of regular banana and slices of organic banana to a few dozen California fruitcakes, telling them that the organic one was normal and the normal one was organic.  Lo and behold, most of the California fruitcakes announced that the normal one tasted better because they’d been told it was organic.

That was supposed to be startling, as if that’s me, some California fruitcake – and that’s organic food, taking a bite, rolling your eyes and thinking about what the guy who handed it to you just said.  That’s the reason I buy it, because if you hand it to me and lie about what it is, I’ll instantly know the difference.

Then they had a guy from the Hudson Institute tell us organic food was definitely a bunch of crap.  Wow, I thought, the Hudson Institute.  That sounds pretty stately and academic.  I guess I’ll just assume that the Hudson Institute is a revered, peer-reviewed scientific think tank, where one can always expect an objective, scientific viewpoint.

Or, if I have access to Interweb Technology & Whatnot, I can google them and find out that they are really a giant corporate lobbyist, funded by corporations like Monsato – the largest supplier of genetically modified food in the world.

Gee, I wonder what BP’s leading scientists think about climate change?  That sounds about equally interesting to me.

This CNN article breaks down the differences between the different kind of eggs, nearly – gasp – acknowledging that organic eggs are statistically a good idea.  The article quotes New York University professor Marion Nestle:  “It’s less likely for small flocks to carry Salmonella, but it is by no means impossible.”

So organic food does not guarantee safety, the article concludes.

Well, nothing will guarantee it, but less likely, isn’t that what she said?   How much less likely, CNN reporter?  Can we back up to that part for a second?

No, for some reason, we can’t.   Chickens pecking at corn in a barnyard, beakless horrors crapping on each other in quarters so tight it’s like they’re already deep fried – equally nutritious sources of eggs. 

And if you don’t think so, then you hate freedom, apple pie, and my mom – just ask my television.

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Later:  Egg Recalls And Shark Attacks

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And:  Defenders Of The Glomp