How Alpha Moms Go To Disney World

14 May

BruiserIt’s a little known secret that you can pretty much take your pet wherever you want, depending on how shameless you are. What you do is, you simply claim the pet is a support animal, that it detects upcoming seizures or something. Pursuant to the Americans With Disabilities Act, no restaurant or bar or anything really, is allowed to stop you from coming in with your support animal.

And of course they aren’t allowed to make you prove it. Have you ever seen anyone try to make a blind person prove he or she is blind, before allowing the dog?

So I guess that’s why this story from the New York Post makes sense, entitled Rich Manhattan moms hire handicapped tour guides so kids can cut lines at Disney World.

Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Disney – in their ongoing campaign to pretend to have a soul – allows families with a handicapped member to head straight to the front of the line.

But what if no one in your incredibly wealthy Manhattan family is in a wheelchair? Do you have to stand around with the wretched Morlock people, all hunched over and sweaty, waiting for hours as if you are poor? Where’s YOUR bailout??

Don’t worry. Manhattan has plenty of secretive, high-end escort services. Most of them are for Wall Street players and government officials who like hookers. But at least one of them is for rich people who would like to rent a wheelchair-bound tour guide to take along to Disney World with them, for about a thousand bucks a day.

Burns At DisneyNow, Disney World already has express service you can pay for to shorten your wait. You can get VIP passes for a chunk of change. But then you still have to walk around all over the place like a bunch of zombies. What you need is a big, handy motorized cart which seats six of you and has a Handicapped sign on the side. Park anywhere you want – you’re Kanye West, baby, and if you’re lucky, you’ll even have room on board for your Rented Human Being!

For a fee, I’m sure they’ll ride on some sort of exterior sled, so they don’t freak your precious kids out or depress anybody. Right? You soulless, shape-shifting reptile people? Heh? Am I right or am I right?

Say, do you think if you pay an extra thousand dollars, they’ll affix a steamroller to the front of it so you don’t have to wait for middle classers to get the hell out of your way? Ask ’em!

This is happening. This is real. Handicapped tour guides are all the rage – in fact according to the article, you’re kind of looked down on at the Billionaire Club if you’re walking around Disney World without your Paid Escort On Wheels.

And yes, they’re proud of it, squares. Don’t get mad at them just because you didn’t think of it, or because you don’t have an extra thousand dollars a day, or because you have an actually handicapped family member.

“My daughter waited one minute to get on ‘It’s a Small World’ — the other kids had to wait 2 1/2 hours,” crowed one mom, who hired a disabled guide through Dream Tours Florida.

“You can’t go to Disney without a tour concierge,’’ she sniffed. “This is how the 1 percent does Disney.”

Mmmm. Yes. I wonder what the poooooor people are doing today.

Death Becomes HerHow do you hook yourself up with one of these guides, you ask? Craiglist, you’re guessing?

No. It’s very insidery, like when they figure out immortality or time travel. They’re not just going to get online and scream, “Good news, everybody’s immortal now!”

There’s not enough room for that shit, man. There have to be people standing around miserable or it’s not worth it to be the special princess with the special tour guide, who doesn’t have to.

Apparently you have to know someone to even speak to the “black market tour guide” service. They’ll ask who referred you before they tell you a thing. One of those awful women from the Coldcreek Manor commercials has to give you the number, and then you speak her name into the telephone, and her name is power in their ears, like Lucifer or Beetlejuice.

“It’s insider knowledge that very few have and share carefully,” said social anthropologist Dr. Wednesday Martin, who caught wind of the underground network while doing research for her upcoming book “Primates of Park Avenue.”

“Who wants a speed pass when you can use your black-market handicapped guide to circumvent the lines all together?” she said.

Yes, it’s like on television commercials, when one family can only record four television shows at a time, but your family can record thirty, and so the other family gets to hang their heads in shame while you dance around with your eyes rolled back, chanting and humming and praying to dark, forgotten gods and whatnot. However you got so awesome, I don’t know.

And we can’t get mad at Disney, because what are they supposed to do? Start verifying physical disabilities? Lie Detector Tests for little Johnny?

Richie Rich 2We can’t even use the Evil Detector, because it’s Disney World. The thing would explode before you got it into the parking lot.

So it seems the One Percenters have won again, and all we can do is salute them for their vast riches, their utterly shameless sense of entitlement, and their uncanny ability to find everyone’s price tag and then pay it with a cold, reptilian smile. What a precious memory for their children, full of magic and greed and the sociopathic rental of human beings.

Do you believe in Hired Handicapped Companions, blogoshpere? Tinkerbell does, and so do I! So do I!

And now, off to be sick.


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2 responses to “How Alpha Moms Go To Disney World

  1. robakers

    May 15, 2013 at 6:21 am

    For a thousand dollars a day I will drive the wheelchair for the alpha mom. I will pay for my own ticket and food. I’m not too greedy. Even better, I will make my wife and kids sit in a wheelchair too. My family of four can work one day a week and make 12 grand a month. Not a bad way to see Disney, Universal, Sea World or Six Flags. The possibilities are endless. I have a new career.

    • Tom Chalfant

      May 15, 2013 at 12:38 pm

      It does appear that they really are Job Creators, doesn’t it? I mean, let’s fill out the whole score card!


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