Rise Of The Bacon Hipster

07 May

hipsterThe awesome thing about hipsters is that none of them will admit they are hipsters, so they can’t get directly mad at you for piling on them.

Usually though, they’ll register a sort of general lack of approval at the word itself. Psssh – I don’t like the word hipster, and not because I’m worried I might be wearing the label around my neck, but because the word itself is so frequently misused to describe someone who likes art and microbrew beer and very, very Specific Kinds Of Everything.

Yes – that’s hipsters all right, and yes, we’re talking to you. Rolling your eyes right now? Then yes, you, too.

They’re easy targets, this crowd that’s so weirdly proud of their inability to enjoy anything that isn’t exactly, perfectly, politically, aesthetically the way they want it. The only reason we’re not like them, is we’re too dim to understand what we’re missing.

Then there’s bacon, which has been enjoying a recent surge in popularity as people so frequently, so publicly express their love for it. You see people belting it out online all the time – I Love Bacon!

Memes, posters, Bacon-flavored vodka. The Baconator. Obnoxious radio commercials. After a while, you get a little sick of hearing about it – yes, I love bacon, too. Settle down.

nihilists2It’s a sort of nihilism, it seems to me. We all know bacon is bad for you, and so barking out our love for it is like saying, “I don’t care how bad it is. I live dangerously. I eat it anyway without guilt or remorse.”

Really, if you’re planning to use your body for something later that morning, bacon’s not that bad. But most people aren’t. Just bacon and naps and beer and cake. Nihilism.

Which is perhaps at the root of what I find so irritating about this Bacon Hipster Article – Bacon Mistakes To Avoid: How To Cook Bacon.

In it, we learn that while we are so much in the throes of nihilism that we’re cranking down bacon and shouting about it from the rooftops, we are actually doing it wrong. Why, you ask? By whose standards?

The Bacon Hipsters over at HuffPost Taste, that’s whose!

Let me just walk you through their obnoxious little lecture about how much the rest of us suck at cooking bacon.

1 – We’re cooking it cold, the Hipsters tell us. Then a little mini-lecture in which they rephrase that in unnecessary mini-lecture format. Guess what happens the first few minutes its in the pan? Yes, it stops being cold. Not good enough, the Bacon Hipsters tell us. Huh. Well why do we like bacon if we’ve been cooking it too cold? Psssh. The Bacon Hipsters can only imagine.

2- Don’t start the bacon off in a hot pan. I mean, okay – I wasn’t doing that anyway, I just never considered it to be a stroke of genius on my part. But just because I don’t like this article, I went ahead and tried it last weekend. Cold bacon, hot pan. Excellent bacon, everyone agreed. Maybe bacon is not quite like fine French wine – who knows?

3 – Don’t crowd the bacon, they insist. Which is great, unless I’m making bacon for ten people and I don’t have six skillets to work in. When you make a lot of bacon at once, you have to move it around a lot. Pay attention to it. Sure, it’s easier if you’re making six slices of bacon and you have room to cook it like grilled cheese sandwiches. Quite a mess for six mouthfuls, but sure.

I make the shit by the pound, but by all means – proceed with your soul-soothing, meditative fly-fisherman approach, Bacon Hipsters.

irritating4 – Then they weirdly tell us not to pile the bacon on top of other bacon. Yes, that would be number three again. Are you guys serious? There’s nothing magical about seven, just make it six rules, Hipsters. That’s a blogging tip for you, Mistakes You’re Making Blogging About Bacon.

5 – Buying cheap, thin, sad bacon – here they tell us all about how we should buy better bacon and it will be better. No shit, dudes. Ya think? Thanks. “Once you’ve had quality bacon, you’ll never blah, blah, blah,” they tell us. Actually, no, that’s just you, being a whiny little princess about your bacon, sir. You and I differ, it seems, on how grown men approach their breakfasts.

6 – Another pro tip – don’t burn it. Really? My goodness, thank God you showed up, Bacon Hipsters! Down here among the Morlocks, that never occurred to us. Say, isn’t that true about ANYTHING you cook?

7 – Throwing out the bacon fat – they actually refer to this as a “cardinal sin,” which is another Hipsterism – mistaking yourself for the Pope of something. We should feel ashamed of not keeping the fat, even if we think it’s gross, even if we figure we got enough bacon fat eating our bacon. Even if we don’t feel like cooking artichokes in it later, or whatever they’re talking about in Bacon Princess Land here.

Sure, you can use the fat – I used to put it on my cat’s food when he started getting skinny. Or you can throw it out, because You Bought The Bacon, And You Can Do Whatever The Hell You Want With It. See how that works?

These are the folks sitting around smelling their beers and then talking about walnuts and raspberries and shit. Please, tell us more, Bacon Hipsters! I wish to walk among the upper echelons of Bacon Artistry and be known amongst your peers as an equal. Where might I find a suitable stick to insert into my butt about it? Perhaps a handmade stick made locally out of organic walnut bark

The inherent problem is right there at the beginning of the article:

“Most of us have a pretty good idea of how to cook bacon. But we want great bacon. We all deserve great bacon. Let’s all agree to stop making these mistakes when we make bacon.”

Why on Earth do we need to all agree? Even if I’m just a complete moron when it comes to bacon, why does that matter to anyone else? Why does it matter to the Bacon Hipsters? Is my dumbass bacon somehow affecting these people, bothering them somehow? Lowering the metaphysical Bacon Bar of society?

Why don’t we instead all agree to mind our own business, worry about our own bacon, and stop it with the condescending, unsolicited bacon-cooking advice? How’s that sound, Bacon Hipsters?



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One response to “Rise Of The Bacon Hipster

  1. Xene

    May 1, 2014 at 4:23 pm

    The worst part of that Huffpost article is the comments. 1000 vegetarians and Jews won’t keep me from eating bacon and you know what? I cook it perfectly every single time, I’ve done extensive research on it. I’m not a hipster, I’m just really damn good bacon cook:


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