I don’t want to sound like your grandpa, but back in my day the news had to shut the hell up for five or six-hour stretches at time.
It was as awesome as apple pie, and not just because that meant you could skip it entirely. It was more like they were forced to sit around thinking for a few hours before blurting out whatever anybody on the street would tell them. And even then it was sick – they didn’t distill it down to the most informative and tasteful material possible, just the stuff that would make you watch.
They’d bait you with it, stick their head in the window of Magnum, P.I. and tell you NASA found something cool, maybe you ought to tune in at eleven and they’d tell you what it was.
Today I’ve been listening to an entire civilization vomit. I don’t blame you, civilization – I just wish there wasn’t a hologram of it running full-time across the sky, across the universe, across anyplace I point my brain.
This morning I thought the radio was reading a Lucas Davenport novel to me. Somebody killed a police officer. A bomber got shot. Somebody was in his underpants and then they made him take off his underpants on television, in case he had a bomb in them. What the shit? Huh?
Then get on Facebook and it’s a Crazy Rumor Roundup. The conspiracy guys who’ve been barking across the Internet like loopy preachers at the park – they go bonkers. It’s feeding time. They boil out of the digital sewers like a bunch of bloodthirsty CHUDs.
Did Obama use a mind control ray on this otherwise nice kid, to get us all…
Get us all what? Sounded like it was to take our guns away, but I never caught the plan. That’s a weird plan whatever it is, using a mind control ray on a young kid to get him to make crude bombs out of pressure cookers and plant them at the Boston Marathon. You pricks know that’s bordering on the plot of The Naked Gun, don’t you? And if I am understanding you correctly, I need to OPEN MY EYES!
All right. Well, thanks for the heads up, boys – I’ll just keep watching the skies waaaaaaaayyyy over here.
Later in the day I turn on the radio and NPR’s got the suspect’s classmates on. Some of them sound really freaked out. Some of them sound delighted to be on the radio. Did you find anybody Dzhokar Tsarnaev got to second base with? What kind of candy bar did he like?
Good God. Can’t we just go back to Laverne and Shirley for a while, til you guys have something to tell us?
Ah, but what can you do? There’s no way to talk about anything else, they just shut down the whole city of Boston. Tommy Lee Jones wants these guys to go get a cane pole and catch the fish that ate him. This would be outrageous in a movie, so the media and their thousand unblinking eyes cannot look away.
Thank goodness I don’t have very many conspiracy nuts in my newsfeed anymore. Just wiseasses and people sending prayers and people wiseassing about prayers and a bunch of quiet people and then a weirdly large Etsy conglomerate. But just like in real Boston, a few heroes stepped up.
Like Alert Facebook Friend Melissa Gilmore – who did NOT give me permission to use her name so don’t tell her I did – brought this link to my attention, in which CNN Reporter Deborah Feyerick is on the scene in Boston and reports “we’ve got a dog, a dog that’s on his way. Interesting, that dog is barking. Whether that’s a canine, we don’t know..”
Which speaks for itself, we don’t need to sit here and pick on Deborah. It WAS a dog. What? And she’s just being a shrewd reporter – seals bark, for instance. We don’t know if it’s a seal or a dog or what. We’ve got to let the story unfold.
All throughout my day, thanks to Melissa, I’d just think about that big, silly puppy dog and smile. I wish there was a number for when a dog is coming, so she could have said “We’ve got a Five-oh-Two.”
By far, Facebook hero of the day was Amy Barnes, who seemed to realize early on what would happen, and she decided that instead of banging her face against her steering wheel and then blogging, she would actually do something about it. You know how in Boston when the explosions happened everyone talked about how some people were running toward the chaos instead of away? That’s Amy Barnes, looking out for all of us throughout this Category Five Media Shitstorm. All you saw on her feed all day was cute, cuddly animals, starting with this one:
See, the kitty is trying to remind us that we don’t have to spend all day breathing in the Internet news like a horrific, endless information fart. You should see her wall – the Etsy people attacked it with polar bear babies and puppies and upside kitties. It’s like the opposite of the Boston Marathon Bombing over there. My firm opinion is that she should get a Pulitzer for it.