Babies, Guns and Apple Pie

13 Apr

Imagine you’re walking down the street having a lively and constructive debate about gun control, and everyone in your entourage is as fulfilled and satisfied by the discourse as you normally are, regardless of viewpoints. Because that’s just the nature of America – open-minded debate, good-natured back-n-forthers and substantive issue analysis. It’s better than sex, so there’s a bounce in all of your steps.

Then you turn the corner and collide with another group of your fellow Americans, and they’re so embroiled in their own equally productive discussion about abortion – laughing, joking, validating the living shit out of each other in the most respectful and empathic way – that members of each group literally crash into each other. Mutual respect flies around like confetti.

And it’s just like the old Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercials. You got Gun Control in My Abortion Debate! You got Abortion Debate In My Gun Control!

Yes, two great topics that go great together – abortion and guns. Just ask Texas Republican Steve Stockman, who recently tweeted exactly what he put on his campaign bumper sticker:


Now, this is a very complicated one, so I need you to turn down your record players and your “hi-fis” and concentrate. This is the kind of philosophical shit that injures thousands of people every year, and you are very fortunate that I’m a professional, just keep your hands INSIDE the blog post, don’t make eye contact with my dad, and everything is going to be fine.

It does seem very clear that if a fetus young enough to be aborted were called a baby, and if it had access to a firearm, and if it weren’t physically smaller than the average firearm, and if it were developmentally possible for a fetus to operate a firearm with intent, that it would shoot the abortion doctor. I think we can all agree that’s true, if all of those ifs were true. But those aren’t the type of ifs we normally associate with frogs without legs who avoid bumping their asses a-hoppin’. They’re big IFs. IFs so big, it’s impossible to tastefully entertain them. So we’ll skip that part, and you and I both know what would happen.

See, even when it’s time to actually give birth and women who don’t have bumper stickers that say “I Had My Baby At Home By Choice” have their epidurals and start singing theme songs from their favorite sitcoms and hitting on the dude who puts in the epidurals, they have to be dilated by ten centimeters. And if you don’t know what I’m saying there, then go ask your mom and I’ll wait here.

imagesCAGLNYKRGot it? Cool. The point is, in order to hit the abortion doctor, the armed baby is going to have to shoot through the mom regardless of how good of a shot the baby is. And how much practice can the baby have? And how did the gun get in there? Ewwwww.

Listen, I didn’t bring this up, go yell at Steve Stockman.

I mean, Texas is a Stand Your Ground State, so the baby’s on solid legal footing going after the doctor. But the mom? Well, that’s a complicated legal matter, but she’s not physically advancing on the baby; we’ll see how the courts rule on that one.

But it does seem that the birthing mother – who would no doubt be armed, this is Texas after all – has the right to shoot back, under the same Stand Your Ground clause. But if she has the right to shoot the baby, then what the hell were we talking about again?

Ah, yes. We were talking about the incredibly gross, tasteless and stupid bumper sticker that Steve Stockman is going to use to get re-elected, and how proud we are to participate in our time-honored tradition of political discourse.

Yes. Babies shooting people from the uterus. I’ll just be in the can if anyone needs me.


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One response to “Babies, Guns and Apple Pie

  1. arlo

    April 14, 2013 at 1:50 am

    where can i buy a bunch of these stickers


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