Kirk Cameron and the Art of Asshattery

12 Apr

Mike SeaverLike most people, when I think of Kirk Cameron, I think “What an asshat.”

But it’s not because he’s a Christian, or even because he’s a Super Christian. It’s not because of the movie Fireproof, either, which I’m told was excellent as long as you already firmly believed everything it was getting at. Mmmmmm, that’s a nice, steaming crock of Reassuring, Christian Validation – just like church would taste if you let it simmer on the stove all day.

Actually, if you want to be a Super Christian, I’ve got a lot more respect for you than the average Christian. Average Christian just kind of checks the box – yep, I’m Christian all right, Go Jesus – and then he shows up on Sunday, drops a little scratch in the bowl for the Almighty, and then goes about his normal business getting into other people’s business and judging things he doesn’t understand and sinning like there are bombs dropping.

Nope, I say in for a penny, in for a pound, and so does reformed Atheist Kirk Cameron.

Take a look at the first post I snatched randomly off his blog – Dinosaurs on the Ark!

Yes, and it’s a solid, appropriate title just like my post today – it’s all about how the Lord clearly said he made land animals on Day Six, dinosaurs are land animals (all of them, apparently) and therefore, dinosaurs must have been on the Ark. Otherwise, well the Ark story wouldn’t make much sense would it? Duh.

BabyThe comment section of that one is priceless. A couple of alert readers helpfully point out that they didn’t have to be full-grown dinosaurs. Makes you want to smack yourself in the forehead, doesn’t it? Of course! Baby dinosaurs. All the pieces fit!

“Or maybe just eggs,” says one cautious man of logic and science, and yes. Let’s keep this party polite, it could have been just big funny eggs.

Anyway, again – I applaud Christians who don’t think carbon dating is accurate and who think there really was an Ark. Who are you going to believe – a bunch of scientists who keep changing their minds about how old the universe is, and whether or not we should eat eggs? Or are you going to believe the Word of the Almighty God? Huh? All right then.

Then you’ve got the big phonies – like this group of Christians here, telling Fox News that they can prove that what they found on a Turkish mountaintop is truly Noah’s Ark because of – you guessed it – carbon dating. Yay! It’s proof when we do it!

Okay, so I think I keep trying to assure you that it’s not Kirk Cameron’s Super Christianity that makes him an asshat and it feels like I’m always losing focus on that. Trust me, I have lots of Christian friends, in the same way that Kirk Cameron has lots of gay friends. I don’t think my Christian friends are asshats (especially not you, you’re awesome) and he doesn’t think his gay friends are all abominations in the eyes of the Almighty, just the ones who are honest with themselves about their sexual orientations and who expect us all to respect that. See? It’s like the Pagans and the Christians are sittin’ together at the table isn’t it?

No, it’s not that Kirk Cameron IS an asshat. It’s that he works passionately and tirelessly at his asshattery, like a master craftsman or a psychotic blogger who still gets Growing Pains checks. Check out his Easter blog post – You Killed The Author of Life – in which he uses the term “scheming Jews.” Cause you know, I don’t think the Jews get enough shit about that, they probably forgot there was an issue. Thanks, asshat.

the wolfThen there was when he came to the defense of Todd “legitamite rape” Akin. He probably sat straight up in bed and said, “There’s another asshat in distress!” And I’m sure Todd Akin was thinking, Yes, thank God Kirk Cameron’s here, The Wolf Himself. He’ll straighten this out. That’s all you had to say, umm, sir.

I would suggest that the pinnacle of Kirk Cameron’s asshattery comes in the form of his feud with Stephen Hawking. It seems to me, if you are having a fight with Stephen Hawking, and it’s not about physics, then you’re an asshat and fifteen other unpleasant things. Recently, Cameron told E! News – by far the most respected and appropriate forum to address Professor Stephen Hawking – the following:

“To say anything negative about Stephen Hawking is like bullying a blind man. He has an unfair disadvantage, and that gives him a free  pass on some of his absurd ideas. Professor Hawking is heralded as ‘the genius  of Britain,’ yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing  created everything and that life sprang from non-life.”

Hmmm. I’m not sure why we need the “blind man” analogy. Stephen Hawking’s eyes and a couple of cheek muscles are about the only things on his body that work at all. It’s more like bullying a senior citizen who is almost entirely immobilized and needs round-the-clock medical care. Except you’re not bullying him, Kirk, to do that you would have to be dominating him, and the other thing about Stephen Hawking that works just fine is his brain.

And that bit at the end – of course. Because far more plausible than the scientific impossibility of nothing creating everything and that life sprang from non-life, is that nothing somehow created an infinite, Dude-Shaped God, who then created everything and caused life to spring from non-life. What are you, stupid, Stephen Hawking?

I’m not going to take a side on this one, let’s just agree that giant magic people and entire universes are both equally hard to imagine springing from nothing, all right? Try not to get cocky about your boat full of dinosaurs over there, you’re talking to one of the smartest men to ever live, whether God made him or not. And you’re talking to him on E! News, because peer review is a little above your intellectual pay grade.

Homer and HawkingAm I the only one who saw Inherit the Wind? Can’t we just say the Ark was plate tectonics and that the days were billions of years long? Grab a pint, quit snapping each other’s underpants? I think you need to settle down, Kirk Cameron, before Stephen Hawking loses his patience and breaks you off a slice, like he did on Homer Simpson that one time. You don’t hear him telling you what the Bible says, do you? So how about you stay out of the physics lab, that’s Hawking’s territory, and he would eat you for lunch.

You got that? Asshat?

Wel, all right then.


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4 responses to “Kirk Cameron and the Art of Asshattery

  1. mammagulley

    April 13, 2013 at 1:31 am

    I been saying this for years.

  2. robakers

    April 21, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    That makes me laugh. I really dislike any actor that tries to impress me with how smart they really are. Robert Deniro never tells me how smart he is, because he knows what he is. An actor and pretty good one by the way, if I ever met him I would make sure not to make him mad.

    Please consider the following intellectual giants to be inducted into the Kirk Cameron, Steven Hawking club. Clint Eastwood and his empty chair. Matt Damon and all of his issues, Ben Aflac and whatever psychobabble he is spewing this week. What about Every stupid actor and their free front row seats to the LA Lakers basketball games and the B-list actors at the Clippers games. Makes me puke. Lest I forget Tom Cruise and his religion/psychological training. But the cream of the cake is John Travolta and his pilot’s license. Show me a guy with enough money and I will show you a pseudo airline captain. I wonder if his FAA inspector wears a Breitling watch?

    To use your words, there are plenty of asshats to go around.

  3. robakers

    April 21, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    Please disregard everything I stated. I re-cant it all.

    I would like to nominate Jane Fonda for the lifetime achievement asshat award.


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