Hookers And Church, Together At Last

10 Sep

I mean, on the surface it seems like an improvement on the standard church, right?  Usually you go in, you drop off some money, and nobody fornicates with you at all.  You get a cracker and a few musical numbers, maybe a headache.

But not at the Phoenix Goddess Temple, which you can read all about in this CNN article, Arizona church is house of prostitution, police say.

You see, the Phoenix cops keep their feelers out, they keep their ears to the ground, they keep their thumbs on the pulse of the city they patrol, and so there was no way their keen senses would fail to pick up the brothel/church that was operating in their midst, like one of those Kentucky Fried Chickens that is also a Long John Silvers.

Two great tastes that taste great together, and all that.

Nice try, church hookers, said the cops, who were on to them in no time, gleaning the tiniest of details about the operation from “neighbor complaints, a recent newspaper article, and the temple’s website.”

Let’s pause a moment to ponder the complexity of those tiny jigsaw pieces that the Phoenix cops had to snap together, the clock ticking the whole time.  Every hour that passed, someone was having tax-free church sex for money.  Think of the overtime.  Think of the children!

Anyway, once they heard from the people who lived near the church that it was a brothel, and then read in the paper that it was a brothel, and then went to their website and confirmed that it sure sounded like a brothel, they decided they had to make a move.  Build their case for the D.A.

Any volunteers, boys?

Bet your ass.  According to the article, they just wrapped up a six month investigation into the goings-on at the Phoenix Goddess Temple, culminating in the arrest of 20 men and women, and they’re still searching for 17 more.

So, I’m trying to get my mind around the nature and scope of this investigation, and I have to say, it really seems like once you’ve confirmed that anyone at all is engaging in prostitution on the church property, then you’ve got yourself a pretty good case.  Round up a half a dozen and I’d say it’s airtight.

But 37?  The Phoenix Police decided they needed to go in there and check everybody?

Yeah, Sarge, bad news.  That one was a prostitute, too.”

“Damn it, that’s the tenth one.  Are you sure?”

“Well, I’m not positive.  You’d better go on over and check for yourself.  Her name is Brandi.”

“Do you think the nightmare will ever end, Johnny?”

“I don’t know, Sarge.  God help me, I just don’t know.”


I think that six months is a pretty long time to spend checking to see if a place has hookers in it.  I think hookers are gross, to be clear, but give me a few hundred bucks, and I can let you know if there are any hookers around, and I’ll be able to give you your money back, too, minus my bar tab.  Might get my ass kicked a little, but I’ll be able to tell you for certain, fairly quickly. 

You’re telling me you checked the same building for six months?

And then you said, “Yep.  37 of them were hookers, bunch of monsters.  God, it was Hell on earth in there.”

And right about now, you’re probably thinking, Tom, don’t your kids read your blog sometimes?  And the answer is yes, but don’t worry – I’ve warned them time and again to stay out of churches.  I’m like some kind of superdad, so mind your own business.

Anyway, then if you read the rest of the article, it kind of reluctantly tells you that the Phoenix Goddess Temple was attempting to use some kind of legal bullshittery to hide behind freedom of religion.

Claiming, well actually the sex is free, and when sex is free it isn’t illegal.  We’re also a church and sometimes we get donations, and yes, sometimes those donations might coincide with Churchy Sexy Time, but they’re still donations.

Screw that, says Maricopa County Attorney Bill Montgomery.  Because there’s no way that anyone except Mormons are allowed to engage in criminally deviant sexual behavior as a part of their bullshit, tax dodge religious beliefs.

That’s not exactly what he said, and I’m sorry Mormons, I was just snapping your underpants there, you’re all awesome. 

But anyway, when pretty much all churches are creepy and weird to you, it’s always odd to watch one get shut down for being creepy and weird.  If you want to go after churches for sex crimes, how about the ones whose priests have been molesting children as regular as clockwork for decades? 

See how the victims of the Catholic Church for example, were horrified children being molested by monsters?  And see how the victims of the Phoenix Goddess Church were asking for, paying for, and most likely thoroughly enjoying the gross thing that’s happened to them?  Where should we focus our law enforcement resources?

And how much did this whole thing cost, for crying out loud?  Six months overtime and 37 arrests?  I mean good lord, Phoenix PD – I sure hope no one is selling meth or robbing people or assaulting women as they walk down the street in your city, because you seem disturbingly like you’ve been banging hookers for six months on the taxpayer dime, and you seem disturbingly proud of it.  Why don’t you guys pull your pants up and get back to work?

1 Comment

Posted by on September 10, 2011 in News/Commentary


One response to “Hookers And Church, Together At Last

  1. bex

    September 16, 2011 at 12:30 am

    your posts always confirm for me that real life is truly way, way stranger than fiction. very strange little story here and excellent insights, always an interesting and thought provoking read.


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