And Speaking Of Problems, What’s Marty’s Problem?

21 Jul

I mean, I don’t even know this guy, all I know is neither of us is religious, and also he won some concert tickets or something a few months ago from the local alternative radio station.  That’s it – his name’s Marty, and now he’s my Facebook friend.

But damn, he’s pretty serious.  I think it’s hard enough to not be religious – this guy does it all bare-knuckled and irish whiskey style – he kind of makes me ashamed of myself.

Like to me, not being religious is basically the same thing as not giving a shit if any particular professional or college sports team wins any particular game against anyone else.  It’s not a decision or a process – I just sincerely don’t give a shit.  There they are, doing shit – and I just don’t care.

But invariably, if you start to explain it – Johnson’s a great quarterback cause his arms are so long, or Jesus was awesome cause he didn’t like mortgages – well, I’m certainly listening. I don’t have a problem, and I’m not looking to start any problems.  Old Tommy C loves new stuff, in all its Glorious Forms.

And also, lots of people – like for instance pretty much everybody’s grandma – well they seem to really have a blast with religion, they do productive healthy stuff through it, and etc, etc, etc.  So it’s like shuffleboard that way – what the hell’s wrong with old people playing shuffleboard?

I’ll bust stuff up in the street for any grandma’s right to play shuffleboard.  Bet your ass I will.

But not my Facebook Friend Martyy – no sir.  This guy is so pissed off at religion that he’s ready to stomp into your house and punch your cat in the face and kick a hole in your aquarium and all that shit.  And at first it’s like, Marty – what’s your problem, exactly?  Settle down.

But I don’t need to track Marty down in any of the three possible bars that he might conceivably be sitting in right now and demand answers from him, because it’s really quite obvious if you sit there for a few minutes and let Marty stare a hole into your soul about it.

It’s because of all the awful stuff – let’s just call it Religion On Its Worst Days.  The Stuff That Happens When Assholes Let Shuffleboard Turn Into Their Brains. 

Like you, for instance, when you’re puking or masturbating or whatever you do that’s gross.  Or when your religious leaders are raping kids or stealing cancer donations.. 

You know – the stuff that is gross and just doesn’t make sense. 

I know, doesn’t it seem like I was going to be all positive about everything?  Well, I’m not – Marty’s kind of right.  Religion would make more sense if you couldn’t sharpen it and kill or rape people with it.  Call me a loony, sure, go ahead.

But Awww, let’s cut Marty and Religion a break at the same time.  Because Religion is a man-made construct whether Captain Kirk was right about it or not.  Yes, and all truths need poked with a stick – that’s how we learn and verify and know.

And yes, that’s a sacred duty that wears you down, even if you’re Marty, and even if you’re sure.  So maybe Marty and Religion are just paddling on both sides of the boat, and what are we all doing? 

Getting hammered?  Yelling at them?  Making them sandwiches?

Keeping it down?

Tonight I’m just going to raise my glass to all the forces on Earth like Jesus Christ and Marty and the Almighty Internet itself – Thanks for speaking loud, my friends, for courage is rarely quiet, and God knows most of us are afraid to be loud.

I don’t know – it’s late.  But really, I don’t want to alarm anyone – it’s just that I really hope neither of those guys ever stops paddling the boat. 


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Posted by on July 21, 2011 in Uncategorized


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