Our Unbelievably Idiotic Zero Percent Bailout

04 Apr

I can’t believe that it has taken me two and a half years to realize this, but did you notice that when the U.S. taxpayers bailed out the mortgage industry, we did so at zero percent interest?

That seems like a weird strategy, doesn’t it?  Especially considering that when a taxpayer needs money, and turns to a mortgage company to refinance and maybe pull out some equity, consolidate some debts – they charge us interest, don’t they?

Daily interest.  And it’s a pretty involved process – at least it is now.

It seems like what we should have said would be something more like, “Mmmm-hmm.  I see that you’re in quite a pickle, and yes, we have 245 hundred billion dollars right here and we’re happy to help.  Of course there is some paperwork involved.  An approval process – just a formality, really.”

And then we could have sat them down across the desk from us and had them fill out an application.  Get some income documentation – I mean, we learned our lesson from the big financial meltdown, right?  No more stated, no doc loans? 

Yes, so Chase and Wells Fargo – go ahead and get out your profit and loss statement, and we’ll of course need to see those going back three years.  And let me just run a credit report here, make sure you’ve been paying your bills so far.

At the time the market rate was about what?  Five and a half percent?  Okay, and that would have been for really good credit customers, but since the whole goddamn economy just collapsed beneath the applicant’s idiotic business practices, I don’t think it’s fair to say that their credit is good, do you?  No, when an industry flips over on its back like a turtle and starts mewling and screeching and pointing into its money hole with its loathsome, slimy flippers – that’s not a good credit customer, is it?

Kind of a red flag, the whole abject failure and helplessness on a global and historic scale.  We’ll have to bump your rate for that, gargantuan corporate loan applicant – dig?

And not just a little bump.  No, I think that when you are standing there over the twitching carcass of the American economy, your credit stopped being good.  In fact, you’re sort of high risk, aren’t you, Mortgage Industry?

Ah – don’t worry.  We’ll just flip you over to the non-conforming market, where there are plenty of programs at slightly elevated interest rates for gargantuan financial institutions with less-than-perfect credit. 

What we’ll do, is we’ll put you on an ARM.  You know, an adjustable rate mortgage, and don’t worry because it will be fixed for three years, and you can just refinance with the American Taxpayers at that point, if you don’t have the full amount.  You’re going to see a prepayment penalty on there, but don’t worry, we’re totally going to waive that when you come back to redo this thing.  We pinky promise.

I mean, that’s either a good, fair way to do it or it’s not, right you bunch of blood-sucking corporate pricks?  So if it’s not, then all of you go to jail.  And if it is, then congratulations on your new, 30-year loan at 10% – sorry about the high interest rate, but when you’re one day out of essentially foreclosure, well, you have to pony up a penalty, you know?

Nothing’s free, boys.  You know how it is.

So.  According to my calculations, your monthly payments should be about $1,722,200,000.00.  And admittedly, that could be wrong, since the online mortgage calculator I used did not recognize loan amounts in the hundreds of billions, because of how fundamentally nonsensical and stupid such a loan would be.   But let’s work with that – I mean, you’re the one who needs the money, right Mortgage Industry?  So let’s go ahead and use the system you designed.

That’s just principal and interest, mind you – you have taxes and insurance to worry about, because we’re going to need to file mortgages, and attach this loan to all of your gargantuan office buildings and your houses and your breast implants and your yachts – that’s what a secured loan is, after all.  Just imagine if this were a standard, non-secured loan like a credit card – you sorry ass chumps would be looking at 24.99%.

So, of your first year of monthly payments, you will have paid back American TaxPayer Mortgage Corp a total of $20,666,400,000.00 – but don’t get too excited, because interest accumulates daily, so I’m afraid that only a couple billion of that would go to principle.  The rest is interest – we have our investors to think about, the cost of doing business, etc., etc., etc. 

Don’t whine, either – you’re the one who wants the loan, Giant Mortgage Company.  Your credit problems are your own.  We’re just trying to help you within the rules of the system you designed.

Which reminds me, I would imagine there will be some closing costs, and since this would have been before the recent RESPA reforms, there really wasn’t much of a way to enforce an initial “Good Faith” Estimate, so we would just go ahead and let you know at closing what the fees were – and this was a lot of work. A lot of ins and outs to a case like this.  Our Taxpayer Loan Origination fee would be, ohhhh, about ten billion dollars, plus a processing fee of three hundred million or so.  That’s for processing.


So, although I have read that a solid 243 billion dollars of the 245 billion in bailouts have been repaid, and although I’m of course very appreciative of that, well, it seems like you’re still at least sixty to a hundred billion short, plus there would be late fees, and what not.  In fact, by now, you guys would be in default, from not making your monthly payments on time. 

That’s why it would have been smart of us taxpayers, or of the dead-eyed criminals who represent us as long as we are prisoners to our own laziness and stupidity, to file mortgages on all of your assets.  Like that big, ass, city-sized Chase installation in South America or wherever it is, which was being built as the bailout happened, and which allowed for the outsourcing of hundreds of thousands of American jobs.

I don’t know how much we could have got for it at auction – I’m guessing not much.  But we have foreclosure assistance programs available, if you’re having trouble making your payments.  Just send us all of your financials, Giant Mortgage Banks, and we’ll have our experts see if they can work something out to keep you in your huge, corporate hives.  We know you have soulless executives to feed, and we wouldn’t want their painful death and humiliation and starvation on our hands, you know?

Seriously. We wouldn’t want that.  Heh heh heh.  Totally. 

But we didn’t do that – no one did it.  Instead we just flipped six hundred billion dollars to the Devil himself like it was twenty bucks flying across the bar at our buddy, and we said, just get us back when you get us back, dude.

Because God bless us – we’re just not very smart, and we deserve every single corporate bootprint on our sorry little apathetic asses, and plenty more, until the day we stand up and put a stop to it.

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Posted by on April 4, 2011 in Uncategorized


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