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The Future Tom Question Bucket: The Final Chapter

03 Apr

Well, it turns out that the Question Bucket works better if you form it into a Facebook status and put it up on Facebook instead of a nail outside your Headquarters, so as the Year lumbers to an end, this would be a good time to empty the bucket out, answer every last question in there.  A matter of honor, for most responsible bloggers – no loose ends.

I remember when I had a giant tree chopped down in my front yard about ten years ago, and I had the lumberjacks (I guess that’s what they’re called) just slice it up into chunks, and then I set about chopping it up with spikes and a sledge hammer and a splitting maul and an axe.

Four cords of wood, total, and it took me most of four months, and at first all the neighbors sort of laughed and cheered, then they started getting sort of alarmed, then after a while they wouldn’t look at me, then when I finished chopping it up and carried the last chunk inside, they spilled out their front doors and applauded.

The same main question there as the blog, really – Why?  And the same answer – weirdness and stubbornness and an urge to get in shape.  I was in pretty good shape when I chopped up that tree, and writing-wise, I feel pretty good right now.  That’s reason enough.

Other questions are not so personal. 

For instance, the strangest and most suspicious question in the bucket is from Rebecah, who would like to know (from me, for some reason) what kind of public health impact we can expect from peeing in the pool, and the answer is, everybody already pees in the pool, so just look around.  I would never, never get into a public pool – it’s basically pee and slobber and hydrochloric acid.  Peeing in them is being nice.

Another involves what the proper response is to people who smoke in public places where they are not supposed to be smoking.  I said, murder, but my squawking pit of Blog Attorneys disagrees.  They think, no murder, no exceptions, and anyway, the smokers are already slowly killing themselves, so there’s no reason to push.

I would use constant, alcohol-fueled profanity, and I mean put on a wife-beater tee shirt, don’t shower, and get a real snootful of gin every single day and just sit there waiting for them, and then let your mouth do the talking, nice and slurry and loud.  Every single time, my friend.  They will smoke elsewhere – and they can’t complain because they weren’t supposed to be smoking there.

Also, bear traps are not legal, but five hundred mousetraps are.  Food for thought.

My sister wants to know if I’ll drive over to my dad’s to help him look for his dog, which sure, I would have, if I hadn’t received the message at the same time as discovering that he’d found the dog, and then I got sleepy and there were cheeseburgers, etc.  Also, your friend keeps poking me on Facebook still, but neither of you ever click “like.”  Jerks.

A few have asked where Rob Braithwaite went, and that is simple – he became the modern version of a monk, and renounced all of Facebook’s digital trappings, and traveled back to the material world, where he wandered about righting wrongs and solving mysteries with his hilarious talking dog.  Good question, no many people know that, it’s kind of a hip, best-kept-secret kind of thing. 

How are book sales?  Well, they’re freaking great, thanks for asking.  I’ve received several hilarious royalties checks, and I can tell you that they are real pieces of paper, and they don’t quite say Don’t Quit Your Day Job on them, but they should.  On the other hand, they are ten trillion percent higher than last year’s royalties checks, which didn’t exist, so it’s better to think of it in percentage form.

What was up with The Prophets of Lunch?  This is a question that only people who have purchased The Curse of Future Tom ask, because that’s where the story is.  It was supposed to be a religious allegory about different, arbitrary dogmas and their predictions and requirements, and some common responses to them.  You asked, tough guy.

Well, that’s it, and I’m afraid that’s what the Question Bucket has always been about – me getting away with barely writing but still technically writing.  Being in full compliance with my own regulations. 

So by all means feel free to continue putting questions in the Bucket, as they will always come in handy down the road, and you can also be immortalized in Blog Form, which you’ll no doubt enjoy.

As for me, I am shamelessly banging out one last paragraph in order to round out eight hundred words, and then I am shamelessly going out on my deck to smile at the sky for a while.  Everybody have a safe and blogtastic weekend.

 
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Posted by on April 3, 2011 in Phoning It In

 

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