Defenders Of The Glomp (II)

02 Apr

Everyone’s always piling on McDonald’s, just cause they suck and their food’s gross.  Don’t you remember the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?  If the Earth were destroyed, you’d miss the Quarter Pounder.  Your head would practically explode just getting your mind around the idea that you couldn’t get one.

No, probably not, but it was funny at the time, because I think that was when McDonald’s was serving actual food.  That they just slowly over the years switched over to the multi-colored gristle paste sculptures they serve now.

But how much McDonald’s sucks isn’t the point.  McDonald’s is something we’ve eaten all our lives, so if someone’s attacking it then they’re attacking us and our parents for allowing such a thing, and so we rush to defend McDonald’s.  Oh, no, it’s the Thought Police here to tell us what to eat!

Because nothing breaks one’s heart quite like watching a multinational food paste distribution behemoth get picked on by individual Americans who aren’t even available in nugget form on Wall Street. 

Damn it – would you citizens with your insipid quandaries and needs, please stop bothering the planet-spanning, inhuman entity that is busy crapping the withered husks of locally owned restaurants into our water supply and pumping poison into every aspect of our society, including our veins?  His name is McDonald’s and he’s our friend and friends stick together! 

Like when someone files a lawsuit asking them to stop beaming psychotic episodes of a clown into her children’s brains, a clown cackling and shrieking “Tell your mom to buy McDonald’s!  Go tell her right now!  Tell her again or I’ll eat your soul!!  AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAH!”

Or something like that, I forget her exact words.  It was in a lawsuit, so now that I think about it, she was probably a little more subdued and objective in her wording.  Legalese, they call it.

Anyway, we all piled on her right away.  Why don’t you just turn off your wall-mounted hypnotic beam generator or learn to tell your hypnotized kids “no,” over and over and over again?  You’re a lazy parent – LAZY!

Then we all chanted “Lazy Crazy Parent Lady” over and over, and the daytime talk show audience went, “Woooooooooooooo!”  And then the lawsuit lady was gone, and we all slapped each other five.

Yep, we agreed.  Just another handwringer, who couldn’t wait to engage in a baseless legal battle against an unholy army of undead Fast Food Chain Attorneys, because that’s such an easy way to make a buck.  Sounds like a lark, she figured – same old story.

Then we moved on, happy and confident and proud to have defended the many-tentacled Global Infinity Glomp Excretor and it’s right to wear a fucking clown mask and lie to our kids.  Hooray for freedom!

Now, here we go again.  Here we have a story by Mike Adams over at, entitled Why McDonald’s Happy Meal hamburgers won’t decompose – the real story behind the story.

In it, hear more and more about the hamburgers which won’t decompose.  Apparently, if you put a McDonald’s hamburger in an aquarium or something, and just leave it there, it doesn’t decompose.  Which my first thought is, well yeah, but if you eat it like you’re supposed to, then you don’t have that problem.

But no, I don’t think that’s his point.  The article is quite long so I don’t want to oversimplify it – go on over and read it – but he seems to sum himself up with this quote (it’s even in boldface!):

There is only one species on planet Earth that’s stupid enough to think a McDonald’s hamburger is food.”

And man, they really seem to want me to put the link up for that quote, cause the link followed it over when I cut and pasted it, but I didn’t like how it looked as a big silly link so it’s right here.  Isn’t that more aesthetically pleasing?

Anyway, I agree with most of what Adams says – McDonald’s is really, really disgusting, and it doesn’t seem even close to natural, and I even agree with the part at the end about how you have to be stupid to eat it.  I know that’s when I’m always cranking down McDonald’s – when I’m drunk or hungover.  Right about Stupid Thirty.

But I have to get out of my chair, when he says that no other animal will eat McDonald’s.  That’s a bald-faced lie, sir.  I can think of three examples right away:

  1. Pigs.  As you may have learned from the movie Snatch, or from a certain Etsy-related Facebook Friend Brainstorming Session regarding what to do about people who smoke right under your window, pigs will eat practically everything except teeth.  That means they’ll eat other pigs (but not their teeth), and you (but not your teeth), and if you dumped a couple of McDonald’s hamburgers in front of one of them, the only thing left in just a few minutes would be some cow teeth.  Take that, Nature Man.
  2. Sparrows.  The sparrows at the OSU McDonalds most certainly do recognize McDonald’s as food.  They’ll eat fries or bits of bun or even chicken nuggets, oh yes, they surely will.  And you’d better give them some, because they’re pretty aggressive about it and they can shoot lasers out of their eyes.  That’s not just natural – it’s supernatural.  Strike two, Adams.
  3. Every Dog I’ve ever had.  One time my brother and I and a dog named Zoey drove from Denver to Columbus, although in truth the dog didn’t do much driving, and we forgot to bring dog food.  So when we went through a drive thru, we’d get an extra cheeseburger and fries – here you go, Zoey.  Zoey said, nom, nom, nom – thanks dudes!  And I have a story like that for every one of the sixty-one dogs I’ve ever had, most of whom of course died instantly – but they ate the food, see.  Strike three.

Now, I’m sorry that I had to be so rough on you, Mister I Hate McDonald’s, but it’s the principle of the matter.  Bullying is bullying, and even more so when it’s a poor, defenseless, multinational corporation you’re pushing around.  Why don’t you go get ten billion dollars then come back and pick on someone your own size?

What you need to do is go on back to your room and think about what you’ve written, sir, and when you’re ready to apologize to McDonald’s and me and my brother and my army of happy little McDonalds-eating ghost dogs, you can come on out. 

It’s time you learned that cackling, soul-eating clowns have feelings, too, Mister – because Words Matter.




Earlier:  Defenders of the Glomp

And: The Way of McCheese

And:  Jeanne Moos, Taco Bell, and the Fine Art of Media Prostitution

1 Comment

Posted by on April 2, 2011 in Food/Cooking, News/Commentary


Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

One response to “Defenders Of The Glomp (II)

  1. Brian

    April 2, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Homer: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Lisa, honey, are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
    Lisa: No.
    Homer: Ham?
    Lisa: No.
    Homer: Pork chops?
    Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
    Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.


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