Trump And The Art Of Douchebaggery

29 Mar

I just checked, and there are apparently no synonyms for “douchebag.” 

I really wanted to find one, because I’m sitting here laughing my ass off at what a stupid, bald-headed, pathetic, douchebag Donald Trump is, and I really don’t like that word.  Douchebag.

But it lacks synonyms for good reason – no other word comes close to really describing someone like Trump.

This is a man who talks with a straight face about running for President when pretty close to everyone in the nation sees that as a hilarious joke.  I mean, we’d vote for Charlie Sheen or Sarah Palin LONG before this douchebag.  Literally.

Here’s a guy who buys the Miss America pageant.  A gross, old, mid-life crisis guy who isn’t happy driving his Ferarri to a high-class strip bar and making sure everyone sees him with the Super Prostitutes, so they know what a Man he is.  Here’s a guy who can’t just pay a supermodel to marry him, like a normal multi-millionaire.

No, he’s got to buy the Miss America Pageant, and no, he’s not compensating for anything, why on Earth would you suggest such a thing?  He’s obviously a serious stud – that’s why the hilarious hair piece and the fifty plastic runway models with his name stamped on their butts, and the delusional-unless-he’s-joking-and-I-sure-hope-he-is presidential ambitions.

Keeping his name out there – I gotcha.  Smart.  Savvy.  Business-y.

Except did you notice how Warren Buffet and Bill Gates completely dwarf this overgrown frat boy economically, and yet they don’t see the need to walk around acting like douchebags about it?

He’s insecure.  That’s clearly the problem.  All the other Multi-millionaires in the Multi-Millionaire club – they don’t take him seriously enough.  Sometimes when he hits on super models, they tell him, you know, there are younger, less gross multi-millionaires around.

And it just makes his wrinkled, white ass steam, doesn’t it?  I’ll show you supermodels – I’ll buy an unholy army of you!

The most recent example of what a dumb, impotent, dollar-sign-for-a-Johnson punchline of a human being this guy is, would be the way he decided to throw in with the Birthers, a weird move since most Birthers lack the money or the confidence or whatever, to be real douchebags.

You might say, they aspire to douchebaggery.  Which is nice – perhaps Trump will be their mighty king.

If that’s what he’s angling for though, he’s off to a rocky start.  After announcing that he’s “very concerned” that President Obama might not have been born in this country, Trump made what I’m sure he thought was going to be an aggressive, type-A Alpha Dog move, straight from the black heart of the Eighties Themselves, when he posted his own birth certificate on Newsmax, boasting that it only took him an hour to come up with it.

I guess the idea was to say, “See, Obama?  It’s not that hard, just show us the birth certificate like I did.”

Except because Trump’s such a douchebag, he didn’t check to see if it was really a birth certificate, and it’s not.  So, hmmm – not quite as easy as you thought, was it tough guy?

If he were really the President (BLARG – sorry, just did one of those burps where it tastes like barf, you know?) and the Birthers were questioning where he was born (which no one is), well this wouldn’t cut it.  They’d all clap their hands to their cheeks and go, “AHHHHHHH!!!!  That’s not a real birth certificate and it also says Jamaica on it!”

Except no, they wouldn’t do that, because Donald Trump is white.  A white douchebag, to be sure, but he’s white all right, and where are white people born again Birthers?

America, that’s right.  And Trump is one of the whitest people I’ve ever heard of, and no, not in a good way, I’m afraid. 

Anyway, leave it to Trump’s gaggle of lap dog employees to clean this up for him.  After mouthing off about how simple it ought to be, and then screwing it up like some kind of Three’s Company subplot, he sends out his personal bootlicker to ironically tell everyone to stop being such a bunch of sticklers about birth certificates.

The little toad man – actually a lawyer named Cohen – even praises his douchebag boss for having the incorrect document.  (From the CNN article Trump aide says release of unofficial birth certificate an ‘oversight’)

“It’s incredible he has that,” Cohen said. “I know I don’t have mine.”

Yes, that sure is incredible, my friend.  It’s incredible that he was trying to make a point about how simple it is to show a birth certificate and then did exactly what he was bitching about Obama doing the whole time.  And it’s incredible how you stuck your smarmy little snout up his ass for it, yes, that’s incredible, too. 

I’ll bet he loves going golfing with you, doesn’t he, Cohen?  “Good shot, sir!  Good shot, sir!  Good shot, sir!”

God, I’m so disgusted I’m banging my face against this desk and I can’t even feel it.  For the love of God, man, this guy’s like Zapp Branigan but he’s not funny. 

Here’s the best part – when someone pointed out to Trump that the hospital placed ads showing Obama’s birth in the paper within days, here’s what he had to say:

“That was placed in the paper days after he was born,” he told Fox. “He could have come into the country and then did it for social reasons – for whatever reasons.”

Ah, yes, that makes perfect sense.  Obama wasn’t born in the country, he was born elsewhere and then slithered in and placed sneaky ads in the paper days later, because he was not only capable of doing that at forty-eight hours of age, but he had every reason to since he knew he’d eventually get elected President.

Unless you’re thinking time travel – is that it, Trump?  You figure ACORN went back in time and placed those ads?

You know what, I was wrong – there is a synonym for douchebag, and it’s you, Donald Trump.  Your name is the synonym.  That’s also the reason the President of the United States is not showing his birth certificate – because he doesn’t have to jump every time a bunch of douchebags and their Apprentices tell him to.  He can just say, why don’t you morons shut the hell up, the People have already spoken.  And We have.

Please.  Please.  Please, Trump – run for President, you comically stupid douchebag, and bring your boot-licking lawyers with you.  I’ll put on some banjo music and pretend I’m watching WWF while Obama kicks the living shit out of you right in front of me and every supermodel in America.  

That sounds like a hoot, yes it surely does.  And it sounds more likely than Barack Obama doing anything – anything at all – just because you’re feeling “concerned” about it.



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4 responses to “Trump And The Art Of Douchebaggery

  1. shawn

    March 29, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Aw, c’mon TC! Zapp? Really? i get it that Trump’s much like a fictional character made up during a really crappy SNL season, but tying the Velour Fog to ‘the donald”? Ack…see? i’m throwing up in my mouth a bit using that last name.
    i didn’t want this association but now i have to live with it. i hope you’re happy.
    On the other hand, howza bout “chode/choad” or “tool”…

    • Tom Chalfant

      March 30, 2011 at 3:59 pm

      It’s too late, my friend – once I’ve blogged something, it can’
      t be unblogged.

  2. ecossie possie

    March 30, 2011 at 12:41 am

    In the UK a trump is when smelly gas comes out your rear exhaust.A FART…

    • Tom Chalfant

      March 30, 2011 at 2:35 pm

      Aww man, that sucks cause I like farts.


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