Obama Poops Wrong, Conservatives Agree

26 Mar

A recent poll of self-described conservatives, as well as independents who are full of crap and are actually Republicans, revealed a startling list of things Barack Obama does incorrectly, including pooping and pooping-related activities.

“I poop in a Port-a-John on a construction site, usually,” said one Southern Ohio respondent.  “Have you ever seen Barack Obama poop in a Port-a-John?  This guy’s supposed to represent us, but the only place he wants to poop is an Air Force One toilet with a fully-functional French bidet in it?  I don’t think so.”

Over 81% of respondents agreed that President Obama should make an effort to not be such a limp-wristed sissy boy about where he poops, and to try harder to connect with Main Street Poopers, some of whom are perfectly happy pooping outdoors in broad daylight.

“What I want to know,” said another respondent, “is how does he have all this time to sit around pooping when there are three wars, a crisis in Japan, and the NCAA tournament going on?”

This was a common sentiment – fully 915% of respondents agreed that no matter what, the President should never be doing anything except talking into a microphone to the American people, talking on the phone to other world leaders, giving the thumbs up to military commanders, washing cars for conservative Senators, and extending tax cuts for really, crazy rich people.

Similarly, the same poll suggested that when a President is elected, his duty lies not in meeting his campaign promises, but instead in obeying the most recent polls, which are really like four-dimensional voting vortexes, trumping the actual votes with their temporal, polymorphic Super Accuracy Pellets of American Consensus.

For example, 51% of respondents agreed that any majority in any poll at all is reason enough to completely invalidate the policies a candidate ran under. 

Like health care reform, which was a cornerstone of Obama’s campaign – and which did among other things get him elected – but then certain polls showed that if you rephrased his campaign promises using more conservative language and repeated use of the word “comrade,” a majority was against the same promises.

That’s the tricky, metaphysical way that the American people voted for a man who promised health care reform with a public option, but then staunchly agreed that such a thing would be a communist, soul-destroying attack on everything America ever stood for.  In just six months.

Which is also why the Republicans won the House in the next election, a clear mandate from the American people to Washington:  Do everything the Republicans say, do it the way they say it, and maybe we should be throwing garbage at the President whenever he walks into a room, instead of playing that one President song.

You don’t need to yell at us, 88% of respondents agreed – because polls don’t lie unless they’re bullshit left wing media polls, which are dumb.

Other statistical surprises:

  • 77% suspected the President doesn’t fold the toilet paper before wiping his butt, instead balling it up, which they described as “wasteful,” “lazy,” and “not very green.”
  • Just 12% believed that Barack Obama had the stones to pee in the shower, instead stepping out to use the toilet like a simpering, pansy-ass Mama’s Boy. 
  • Among the foods that Obama should not be eating, respondents overwhlemingly chose chicken, beef, carrots, anything green, lamb, tacos, portabello mushrooms, pizza, turkey burgers, sushi, eggs, turnips, Pez, cereal, fruit, hot dogs, popcorn, spaghetti, fish, candy bars, Girl Scout Cookies, Slim Jims, peanut products, and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.
  • A solid 100% believed that the President bombed Libya too late, with another 100% agreeing that he never should have bombed Libya because he’s Kenyan and not really the President.  Five million percent were outraged that the French got to bomb Libya first, while 8% believed that Libya had nothing to do with pooping at all.
  • 166% of respondents described the specifics of Obama’s pooping preferences as both “an outrage against God” and “definitely some of our business.” 
  • One bright spot for the President, the respondents were in unanimous agreement that Obama could potentially do something right, if for example he were to announce publicly that everything he does is wrong and then resign.
  • The study also showed that although the vast majority – eight million percent – sincerely and fervently prayed to God every single morning and night that Obama would magically turn white, a significant portion admitted to an irrational fear of such a development, many of them citing the Joker’s feelings toward Batman, and the whole Who Would I Hate If He Were Gone thing.
  • 100% of respondents indicated that the First Lady should never speak or leave the White House, though admittedly 0% were able to come up with a complete sentence which could be accurately attributed to Mrs. Obama.
  • 87% believed that the President’s bracket was “wasteful” and “possibly homosexual and communist at the same time,” whatever that means.
  • Suggestions were varied in terms of what Obama might be able to do to change his abysmal poll ratings, some suggesting that he resign (70%), leave the planet (88%), fornicate with an intern (66%) or get really into an addictive X-Box game, like Starcraft 2 or Gears of War(44%) and not come out of his basement til he beats it.


Either way, the poll spells trouble for Obama, who was no doubt relying on the Comically Confused And/Or Racist Vote for re-election in 2012.  The White House has declined to comment on the poll, citing “fiction,” “satire,” and a “lack of interest in blogs and bloggers.”


Posted by on March 26, 2011 in Fiction, News/Commentary


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 responses to “Obama Poops Wrong, Conservatives Agree

  1. Brian

    March 27, 2011 at 12:33 am

    I actually read every word. While pooping.

  2. Momsomniac

    March 27, 2011 at 12:45 am

    Yum, portabellos….

  3. waterpig

    May 6, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    I can’t believe you didn’t get more comments on this HILARIOUS blog – or maybe you just deleted a bunch of them? Because I do remember you saying that people have the right to not be nice in their comments and you have the right to not publish them….something about Erica and etiquette, haha. I read this and am trying to figure out if you like the POTUS or if you don’t….? Me? I have an opinion on just about everything, frequently founded on very little information. They’re like my little believies, if you know what I mean. However 93% of respondents have stated that they like my opinions so I’m still doing better than the Prez.


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