Wet – You don’t even have to be selective about this one. It should never, ever be used to describe food. Even if what you mean is something like “gravy,” you should just go ahead and use the word “gravy.”
A wet roast beef sandwich sounds awful. It sounds wet, like something you would find out in the rain.
And that’s fine, but the reality is, if you ever go into practically any restaurant or diner in any small town in America, and you see those horrible, awful, nasty-sounding words lumped together, you should get that. That’s going to be really good. It just sounds terrible, like a crazy, reverse secret.
Moist. I’m not crazy about that word, though I guess I understand it when you’re talking about cake. A moist cake is I guess something that sounds good.
Except not really. Moist means oil, and laziness. You want firm and rich cake. Ask my friend Moira how to make a cake if you want to know how to make a cake. She uses cacti and newts and shit. Best cake ever.
Words that sound like body parts. Now, sometimes I understand this. Like wings. I like to eat wings even though I know what they are and they are what they say they are.
But for some reason, when wing places offer Legs, I think to myself – ewwwwww.
I don’t want to order a bucket of legs because I have legs. That would be like arms or heads or penises.
Yes, you heard me.
But wings – who cares? What are they going to come after MY wings? Screw you, chickens!
So that means, liver. The reason liver sounds awful is that you have a liver, and it makes you think about your own liver. But liver is actually really good – you’re crazy if you plan to go and stand before the throne of God and tell Him you never bothered to have liver and onions while you were on Earth. He’ll Judge you for that, oh yes He will.
Hog’s balls. Those are just what they sound like they are, and I’ll bet I could tell you how they taste if you called them something else. But why on Earth would I eat hog’s balls?
Of course, why would I eat Cow Muscle or Chicken Arms or Fish Bodies? It’s all about marketing, and if you want me to eat the thing you killed, try calling it something that I don’t have growing off of me, and that doesn’t remind me of getting killed and eaten.
Runny. What the hell is your problem, exactly, if you’re going to describe your egg preference as “runny?”
My thinking is, someone ought to old-fashioned style whip your ass for saying something like that. The correct term is “over easy.” That’s it and if you say it, it’s like ordering your steak “rare.” Eat what they hand you, Old School.
Outside of cooking, let me please point out that the word itself – “runny” – should never be used at all. It’s not even appropriate when you’re talking about a nose. There are medical terms for that horrifying body fluid leakage.
Oven-Baked. Listen to me, if you’re serving something that I know is prepared in an oven, and you’re calling it “oven-baked” then I know that there’s something up. You’re probably talking about a microwave oven or a really hot truck.
Hand-cut. Yes, because it matters how blades move.
Slathered. I’m not sure why, but I don’t want you slathering anything – tartar sauce, barbecue sauce, porcupine sauce, nothing – on anything that I’m going to eat. So just tell me the thing, and then the kind of sauce you put on the thing.
Rump. Just say “ass.” I’d feel better that way, if you’re selling me a chunk of something’s ass.
This chunk of ass meat is ten dollars, just say it, Chief.
Pig’s Ear. Unless you’re a dog. I think it makes perfect sense to give pig’s ears to dogs, because we kill so many pigs anyway. What do you want to throw the ears away?
Gooey. That is gross. Goo is nonspecific, like “slime.” So you’re eating slime.
Mmmmmmmm, this is minty, chocolaty slime.
Bucket. This is more of a request, because it’s true that I have purchased practically every plant and animal ever sold for food, in bucket form. But I still don’t think that’s a very attractive way to put it. Like, Hey, I want a bucket of corn.
Sounds worse than, hey, I would like an ear of corn, or even ten ears of corn.
Bucket means a big, gross amount of whatever you are talking about. Let’s go back to “all you can eat.”
Leftovers. That just means “food.” Eat that, there are people starving. You shouldn’t be cooking or buying anything else until that is gone.