Not everything can go on for eight hundred words, you know. Like my NCAA bracket for instance – I can tell you all about it in just a paragraph or two. I have the Harlem Globetrotters in every single spot except in the Final Four, where I have predicted a surprise upset by the Washington Generals, but don’t worry. I’ve got them picked to lose in the final game, to the Harlem Globetrotters. And I put a hundred dollar kicker on there being a wheeled see-saw involved.
So that’s just me being not only masculine and all-American, but also considerate, because I could have hammered on that one for eight hundred words and then skedaddled. You already clicked on the link, there wouldn’t be anything you could do about it by the time you found out what I was up to, except leave.
And if you think the Generals are due, that’s fine. College basketball is about character building and gambling and tattoos and old, really popular white guys. So fill out your bracket however you want, but don’t ruin it for the rest of us.
Honestly, I’m quite surprised that the NCAA tournament hasn’t been cancelled, because that’s the only way to show that our country has respect for anything, is to cancel everything fun, every time there’s a natural disaster. Or at least they should have a secret tournament that no one is allowed to watch and no one gets to bet on, and then secretly they can determine who’s the best like at the end of Rocky III.
And then on a similar note, I thought about telling you all about the new Conan reboot, which on the plus side has Jason Momoa from Stargate: Atlantis in it as Conan, and also has Rose McGowan in it doing who cares what, but then on the minus side, Conan’s a pirate now and it’s PG-13, and the writers (all four of them) have a hilarious cavalcade of craptacular crapfests under their belts, including two of the worst screen adaptations I’ve ever seen.
That would be Sahara and A Sound of Thunder. Sahara was so bad that Clive Cussler – author of the novel it was based upon – nearly killed every man, woman and child involved with it, because he’d been refusing to allow movie adaptations of his work ever since Raise the Titanic. I dont’ know how they talked him into it finally, but they were lying. Yes, they sure were.
And then A Sound of Thunder – holy Christmas. That’s based on a twenty-page Ray Bradbury short story, and they just absolutely, horrifically abused it. I couldn’t even watch most of it, it was like watching Val Kilmer try to do something with a cereal box stuck on his head, or worse, trying to watch the fourth Indiana Jones movie (we don’t even speak its name around here).
Apparently the writers of A Sound of Thunder (and now Conan) decided that when you change history, they decided it would happen in waves of extinct animals. Sure, so first prehistoric plants, then trilobites, then dinosaurs – quantum physics is tricky so just shut up and watch the monsters.
And that’s quite a stretch from the short story, in which they get back, realize history has changed because everybody talks gibberish, and then the one guy shoots the other guy for changing history. BLAM – the end.
So these guys figured, I’m not crazy about that story, let’s get rid of everything but the title and the characters’ names. And see how that doesn’t bode well for Conan?
But again, I would agree – that’s about a third of a blog post there, and the clock’s ticking. Rose McGowan’s in it, so none of that matters anyway – I’ll see it twice if it sucks.
And then finally, let me just switch gears completely and point out that although I’ve known for a long time that parking meters which take debit cards were on the way, I didn’t quite realize how sneaky The Man was being on that one until I pulled up to one this morning. I’m used to crusing around looking for parking meters with a bunch of time left on them, from the last overly cautious guy who put in too many quarters.
Now they charge you for exactly how long you used it. It all goes on the card. So there’s never any left over time left on them for me to swoop down on. Fortunately, there aren’t that many parking meters like that in the city and I just circled around looking for an old-fashioned on to swoop down on, and that worked fine.
But I wanted to be sure you were all aware that The Man wasn’t interested in conveniencing you when he made that switch, no my friends. He was just trying to make sure nobody got something for nothing, because that’s the worst possible thing that could ever happen.
It’s been a while since I phoned this sucker in so blatantly. Felt pretty good. How was that for you guys, all right? A little light? This is for posterity, so please – be honest.