What’s Your Charlie Sheen Number?

28 Feb

Two and a Half Men is the most popular show on television, so I don’t think there would be much point in arguing about whether it’s any good or not.  Personally, I’m not going to sit around and watch a show with a laugh track, here in 2011 – I’m just a pretentious bastard that way.  Every time I see some of it by accident, it feels like a Simpsons bit come to life.

Really – how many jokes can there be in this premise?  Charlie has many sexual partners – ahahahahhaha.  Charlie’s pal or brother or whoever that other guy is, he doesn’t have nearly so many sexual partners – ahahahahahhahhaha.  Their ex-wives are bitchy and unreasonable – ahahahahahhaha.  The housekeeper’s like their mom – ahahahhahahahah.

I mean, okay – I’m the one watching dinosaur shows and Doctor Who and Cake Boss.  I’m not here to judge you. 

What fascinates me about Charlie Sheen’s recent, hilarious, crack-addled antics is that they gave us a chance to find out series creator Chuck Lorre’s Charlie Sheen Number – it’s 250 million.

In case your name is Rebecah and you need a recap here, Charlie Sheen is apparently on crack.  What he likes to do is get loads of crack and some porn stars and a hotel room, and then he likes to light up the crack and see what happens.  Sometimes, I assume, nothing does. 

They don’t put it in the news when nothing happens, though.  They only put him in the news when he gets the cops called on him or goes to the ER or someone “steals” his car and drives it off a cliff.  Then suddenly everybody’s Judge Judy.

Here’s my favorite Charlie Sheen quote – “I don’t recommend crack cocaine to anyone unless you can manage it socially.”

Yep.  Contingent on an enormous, pulsating, eerily-glowing “unless,” that sounds about right.  Some people probably could manage it socially, like Jesus or Superman or the ghost of Steve McQueen.  So Charlie makes an excellent point.

Now, since I don’t watch the show, it of course doesn’t concern me for a second whether or not they ever film another episode again, but I’ve been nothing but fascinated by the story.  Like the other day, when Charlie Sheen went off on the series creator on a radio show, and also said that if he didn’t have to work with the current batch of “losers” he was working with, he could be “making movies with superstars.”

I don’t quite know everything that Mr. Sheen said, but it was eventually enough for Chuck Lorre to call off the whole show.  And that decision from a gross earning standpoint, will cost the network and Chuck Lorre approximately 250 million dollars – that’s Two and a Half Hundred Million Dollars, if you’re scoring at home (heh). 

A thirty-second commercial spot goes for about $200,000 right now, and they were booked all the way through the end of the season, and who knows where else the money comes from?  It’s not a figure I pulled out of my butt or anything.

So Lorre had to make a decision.  He had to say to himself, man, I don’t like taking a bunch of public crap from this literal Brat Packer on Crack.  Is 250 million dollars enough money to keep kissing his ass, or should I just say screw it, and shut the whole thing down.

He shut it down, so that means his Charlie Sheen Number is 250 million.  That’s awfully good. 

I have to tell you, for even one percent of that money, Charlie Sheen could throw turds at me on national television an hour a week for a full year, saying anything he wanted to, smoking all the crack he wanted to, and I’d just stand there smiling, shaking my head, going, “Oh, Charlie.  You are such a rascal!”

Chuck Lorre’s got a pretty high Charlie Sheen Number, if you ask me – especially for a television producer.  I mean, did you know that Pamela Anderson had a television show called Stacked, in which she played a librarian with large breasts?  The idea was, she walked around with her cleavage showing, and people would then ask a question about stacks of books or racks of magazines, and then she would mistake their questions as being directed at her boobs.  And despite the constant confusion on the matter, she would never, ever put her breasts away.

God bless you, television.  God bless your digital soul.

So anyway, you don’t think whoever produced that show had to kiss Pamela Anderson’s ass?  You figure she was probably really easy to work with, full of energy and professionalism? 

Certainly there was no show without her.  And since that show didn’t make much money, you have to think that the producer’s Charlie Sheen Number was probably what, a hundred grand?  Definitely closer to my ballpark. 

That’s all Chuck Lorre has to do, you know, is kiss Charlie Sheen’s ass.  He just needs to say, “Charlie I was wrong and I need you, please film more episodes.  I’m stupid and you’re smart.” 

I really can’t believe it matters what level of quality Charlie brings to the formulaic, laugh track-driven premise.  All you have to do, Chuck, is kiss Charlie Sheen’s ass and you get more money than the rest of us will ever see in our lives. 

We all have a Charlie Sheen number.  That’s what jobs typically are, right?  How much money would you need to roll in here and kiss somebody’s ass who doesn’t deserve it? 

I think 250 million is a pretty high Charlie Sheen number.  Mine’s about eight hundred bucks or so – bloggers are awful, shameless, horrible people and we cannot manage our crack cocaine socially, that. Is. For.  Sure.

Lie, cheat, blow stuff up, kill spies – you drop down to eight hundred bucks and I’m probably out, but anything above that, well – I’m listening.  Nothing sexual though – you’d have to find out what my wife’s Charlie Sheen Number is, for that, though I don’t think it’s much higher than mine.  Go ahead and break her off an email – I’m kind of curious myself. 

So anyway, when I see a Charlie Sheen Number way up in the nine-digit range, I’m nothing but impressed.  That’s an awfully big can of Screw You Charlie Sheen, you’ve got there, sir.  Very impressive.

What do you think, blogosphere?  What’s your Charlie Sheen number?


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15 responses to “What’s Your Charlie Sheen Number?

  1. Kimberly Kinrade

    March 1, 2011 at 12:01 am

    Right now, my Charlie Sheen number would probably be the amount of my current Propane bill. Did you know that hot water and stoves just STOP WORKING when the propane tank is empty???

    And then you have to PAY hundreds of dollars right then and there for them to deliver more? It’s not like the gas and electric company where they send you a bill for usage and you look and see well, I can fudge this one for a time. Nope! Seems the propane people are hard core.

    So yeah, I’m a propane Charlie Sheen whore right now and would suffer quite a bit to pay propane. *A lesson learned my first month living in the country!*

    • Tom Chalfant

      March 1, 2011 at 12:23 am

      I learned that propane lesson in the country, too! Also, you have to watch those prices like gasoline, and get them out there when the price is low.

      And you can make practically anything on a charcoal grill – I made frozen pizza, mac and cheese, you name it.

      The secret to making a frozen pizza on a charcoal grill is don’t use too many coals, and once their really lit and glowing, spread them out in a circle just a little bigger than the pizza (use a stick or something silly)

      • Kimberly Kinrade

        March 3, 2011 at 4:04 am

        Oh, the propane prices fluctuate? Oh dear. Any tips on bathing?

      • Tom Chalfant

        March 3, 2011 at 11:16 am

        Well it depends on how serious you are. You can buy a camping shower I think, which is like a big, thick water balloon basically, and you hang it up in a tree in direct sunlight for a couple of hours and it heats it up, then you pull a rope and you have a few gallons of hot water. I think you’re better off with a propane water heater..

  2. Gregory Wilcox

    March 1, 2011 at 12:16 am

    Considering that Sheen gave some thought to Jennifer Grey’s suggestion on where he should place his thumb, I would say that my number is whatever it takes to Save Ferris.


    Just felt like I should respond based solely on the images. 🙂

    • Tom Chalfant

      March 1, 2011 at 12:21 am

      Two comments, and I get a die hard Stacked fan. I’m going to have to fire my entire research staff – some of those guys have kids, you know.

      • Gregory Wilcox

        March 1, 2011 at 1:18 am

        Research be damned. I’ll keep reading as long as there is always a picture of Pam. (Actually, I’d prefer pics of Natalie Portman, if you don’t mind.)

  3. momsomniac

    March 1, 2011 at 3:35 am

    Honestly? Its probably REALLY irresponsible of me, since I have 3 kids and I want them all to go to college and I all ready put up with some really silly BS (some of which I get paid for, some of which I get to stay married for). BUT I am not sure I’d put up with Mr. Sheen for any amount of money.

    • Tom Chalfant

      March 2, 2011 at 2:29 pm

      Now you’re sounding like Chuck Lorre, Momsomniac…

      • momsomniac

        March 2, 2011 at 4:45 pm

        Just call me “Chaim”.

  4. ecossie possie

    March 1, 2011 at 4:04 am

    Substance addiction is a tragic afliction belive me I know,,,However I find it funny that Charle Sheen is addicted to cocaine.His drug of choice street name CHARLIE…..

  5. sparrow1969

    March 1, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    I don’t know….I think my Charlie Sheen number might be a little high. Million? Two million? Might as well make enough so that there’s something left after taxes!

    By the way, Tom…I left you something on my blog. Stop on over and come get it!

    • Tom Chalfant

      March 2, 2011 at 2:27 pm

      I will be over there in just a bit Sparrow sorry it’s taking me so long!

  6. Robert Scott Lawrence

    March 8, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Excellent point about Steve McQueen being able to manage socially after a bit of crack cocaine. There should be a show with him and Jesus and Superman all getting high and making fun of Sheen for being such a wuss.

    Given that there apparently is no morals clause in Charlie’s contract, though, I think 2.5 Men is going to have to pay him to shut up. Or they could just anonymously send him a bunch of crack (“Look, Charlie, fan mail!”) and hope he ODs.

    • Tom Chalfant

      March 10, 2011 at 5:02 am

      Looks like they booted him without canceling the show, so I’m wondering if they’re going to try to keep him as a sort of “off screen” character, where he’s constantly in the other room or on the phone – they could sort of ridicule him that way.

      I guess they still might have to pay him though, right?


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