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Attention Surplus Disorder: Get The Facts

24 Feb

Alert readers have probably noticed that I’ve figured out how to stick photographs into my blog, and that I’ve been doing it A LOT.  For most people, this is a good way to get through the tedious process of reading someone’s crappy blog – you can take a break every minute or two and look at Megan Fox or a stack of cinder blocks or Cartoon Mr. T.

But that’s because here in 2011, we don’t have terribly long attention spans.  Why would we?  There is way too much going on these days to sit around focusing on things.  Meditation is for suckers.  One hand doesn’t make any sound clapping, especially if it’s in the forest and there’s no one around except the guy whose hand it is.  And he’s deaf, stupid.

Hold on, look at this puppy dog:

He’s a big, sleepy puppy, isn’t he?  Anyway, what was I talking about?  Was it cake?

No, it was attention spans, and how short they normally are now, and so what I’m doing is I’m trying to raise awareness in the general population, regarding an affliction which affects just 1-3% of the population, and it’s a pretty serious, big deal, so you should pay attention for as long as you can, even if you have to keep jabbing yourself in the thigh with a fork. 

It’s called Attention Surplus Disorder.  I know, it’s a long three words and it’s easy to find yourself thinking about the new X-Men movie while you’re plowing through them, but just keep backing up and then throwing yourself against the fence.  You’ll get ’em.

My good friend Rebecah has ASD.  She’s always emailing me and telling me which words I spelled wrong, and I always wrinkle my forehead and give the screen a troubled expression.  You know – like I’m realizing that Rebecah never has a second cup of coffee at home. 

It’s like, Rebecah, spelling correctly all the time makes you look like a square.  I would totally lose my blogging cred if I went around doing that.  The bloggers would lose all respect – you got the South American Blogging Cartels, the Hell’s Bloggers, the Blog Bangers. 

I’m talking about survival, dawg!   

These are some cupcakes a friend of mine made last month – really good.  There were chocolate chips in these suckers, if I recall. 

Anyway, that’s part of ASD – always noticing stuff that’s wrong because of all that attention you’re paying.  It’s actually considered a form of paralysis.  I mean – get this – guess what Rebecah does when she wants bread?  She bakes it!

That’s way too much attention paid to bread, right there.  Here in modern society, we all know that the best thing to do is let giant factories churn out a white, edible-but-nutrionally-empty paste, let them flavor it with Bread Oxide Flavoring or something, bake it and then drive it around in a truck for a while, so we can spend ten seconds thinking about it while we strike a balance between which lumps are on sale and which lumps have the prettiest, brownest, old-timiest wrappers.

And that’s reminds me – Rebecah had the nerve to tell me that sometimes I’m putting so many big, hilarious, bright, distracting pictures all over my blog that it’s hard to read it, and it makes her head hurt, and that if she lived near me she’d probably strangle me, at least until I passed out.

So I’m like first of all, that’s way too much focus.  Strangling is one of the most focused forms of violence there is – and I know, because people try to strangle me A LOT.

Have you seen these cute little singing critters by the way?

Actually, she didn’t really tell me about my blog pictures, she emailed me and I didn’t know what she was talking about – it was a long email and I only skimmed it.  Bloggers are busy, you know. 

Later, I had my personal assistant and three of my attorneys (I forget their names, I just call them all Gonzo) give me the gist of it while I was blasting golf balls into Boston Harbor from the deck of my Blogging Yacht.  The middle Gonzo said, “She taunts us, Master.  She constructively criticizes our blog.   Ssssssssssssssssssssss….”

I said, “Greeno! Take a letter.”  But hell, he wasn’t even there.  I hadn’t seen him in months – what day was it?  What was a “letter?”  Where were my pants?

Hell with it, I said, tossing my five iron into the Bay.  I’ll deal with this old-fashioned Blog Style.

Look, Rebecah.  Every picture I put in my blog is directly related to what I’m typing.  I have a zero tolerance policy in that regard.  It’s a long, technical, tedious process – it can take up to nine hours to add a single image – so you know I’m not just grabbing them at random and slapping them on there like big, silly stickers.

Blogging is very hard so don’t judge until you’ve blogged in someone else’s shoes.  You don’t see me telling you how to bake homemade bread or proofread blogs, do you?

Yeah, like anyone can just log onto WordPress and then start blogging.  Some people don’t have computers or even hands, you know.  Maybe while you’re checking my spelling and counting my pictures, you could think about them for once.  Eh?  EH??

She’s probably going to need some ice for that burn.  Let’s give her a second. 

Okay.  Here’s a picture of Rebecah explaining to me how much of an idiot I am for misspelling things all the time and using too many extemporaneous images and not baking my own organic bread.  As you can see, it really affected her, and I’m pretty concerned about it. Except the alert reader will notice that for insurance reasons, both Rebecah and myself are being played by actors.

Listen:  If you know someone who has ASD, the best thing to do is Intervention-style drag them kicking and screaming into your own psychological mindset.  If it’s someone you work near all day, try making a series of impossible-to-outlaw-but-really-distracting noises all day, like sniffling or clicking your tongue or quoting Coen Brothers movies every ten minutes or so, until they snap.

And not surprisingly, this issue doesn’t get a lot of funding, so you want to click on that book over there and buy it.  I mean, if there’s nothing you can do about ASD, you might as well kick back with a book – and there’s not a single picture in the thing, so it will help you to understand your afflicted loved ones.

Yep.  And here’s a monkey wearing a hat – he thinks he’s people.

 

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11 responses to “Attention Surplus Disorder: Get The Facts

  1. Magnificent Minimalist

    February 25, 2011 at 12:05 am

    *applause*

     
  2. ecossie possie

    February 25, 2011 at 12:42 am

    Could you show me another picture of you in your invisible cloak again? We in the U K have managed to make a paper clip onvisable………. http://www.theage.com.au/technology/sci-tech/amazing-scientific-breakthrough-paper-clip-made-invisible-20110203-1af2g.html

     
    • Tom Chalfant

      February 26, 2011 at 2:09 am

      You want me to SHOW you an invisible cloak? Now how in the Sam Hill am I supposed to do that?

      Now let me take a look at this paper clip. D’oh!

       
  3. ecossie possie

    February 25, 2011 at 12:43 am

    Invisable I mean…..

     
  4. Robert

    February 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    “Some people don’t have computers or even hands”

    I am speechless, in awe, and laughing like a lunatic..

    I’d give you two big thumbs up, but it’s difficult without hands.

     
    • Tom Chalfant

      February 26, 2011 at 2:08 am

      Do you really not have hands? If I cracked up an actual guy with no hands with that one, then I can die happy…

       
      • Robert

        February 26, 2011 at 3:16 pm

        Sorry, you’ll have to find happiness elsewhere, my hands are intact. Meant to be humorous as the misspelling of “hands” as “hamds” sublty would have indicated, had some Blogging Overlord not corrected my spelling.

        Besides, it takes a while for the Handless to type witty responses to offensive blog posts. I’m sure happiness is just around the corner.

         
  5. bex

    February 26, 2011 at 12:43 am

    bravo, just. bravo.

     
  6. sonnin

    March 5, 2011 at 1:58 am

    I really, really want to trim the nails on that creature above the monkey.

     
    • Tom Chalfant

      March 6, 2011 at 1:53 pm

      Well go ahead, but would you believe that’s another kind of monkey?

       
  7. Debbie Hughes

    November 10, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Amazing, thank you for a hilarious read.

     

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