I have a Facebook friend named Jessica, and I’m not going to tell you her last name because it would violate Standard Blogging Security Protocol, but I’m going to feel free to rip her photograph off of Facebook and then blog the hell out of it, because that’s what I do. It’s my sacred duty.
And she’s right. There is a baffling situation going on in her fridge. Observe:
She posted this photograph with a plea for help from any of her male Facebook friends. I just want to understand, she said. Please, I must understand.
Well I thought to myself, I’m male. I’m her Facebook friend. Maybe I should look into this and provide her with an analysis of the photograph from a male perspective – that’s really what blogging’s all about, right? People helping people?
1. You Are Out Of Beer. So right off the bat, from a male perspective, the first thing my analysis revealed is that Jessica is out of beer. It’s Saturday afternoon, and you, ma’am, are out of beer. No wonder your man is acting funny and doing disturbing things with tea bottles. Pull your head out of your butt, sister – this is a very serious matter.
2. It’s Not Just The Tea. In fact, Jessica – you are on the verge of being out of practically everything. I’ll bet you have one of those people in your house who freaks out whenever someone finishes off the milk or the juice, or possibly the tea. In my house, I am that person. I suspect that in your house, it’s you.
The photograph really smacks of terror, doesn’t it? I think someone is frightening the tea-drinker(s). At this point, the rest of the people in your house are probably literally unable to finish off any refrigerated products without screaming and curling up into a ball on the floor.
Much like Greg Brady is terrified of whatever Alice is suggesting there. I am going to choose to believe that she is angry at him for finishing off the tea and not leaving her a single drink. You can believe whatever you like.
Now I’ll just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you aren’t really terrorizing your family into the salvaging two-ounce portions of tea, but my friend – every container in that fridge has two ounces left in it. Time to look in the mirror, maybe. Seems like somebody’s really on edge over there. What’s going to happen the next time?
What if they only drink an ounce out of each one? What will you do then?
3. What Is Up With Your Squeaky Clean Fridge? Might I say, that is a remarkably clean refrigerator you have there. Mine looks like there was a live monkey trapped in there all night, which then exploded at dawn. I was of the understanding you have kids running around over there. Why is your fridge so clean if you have all those kids?
Don’t worry about the monkey. It was the crazy, bloodthirsty kind of lunatic man-eating monkey – why do you think we locked it in the fridge? Are you calling us crazy? You better stop calling us crazy, Jessica.
4. Cooties. Old-fashioned cooties. You see, each bottle belonged to an individual person, and therefore each bottle has been contaminated with a different strain of cooties. As you know, males often find that it is less time-consuming to argue about things, so many of our children’s beliefs become our own out of sheer laziness.
For example, when someone farts, you have to put your thumb in your mouth and then on your forehead, because the last person to do that just ate the fart.
And sure, you can roll your eyes and refuse to “play that game” but that just means you’re always the one who eats the farts. Fart-eater.
Anyway, it is very likely the tea has been kept separate so that no one gets anyone else’s cooties. And probably, everybody wanted exactly two swallows of tea later, and as you know, all of God’s creatures are immune to their own cooties. Duh – how do you think we survived this long?
5. That’s Not Tea. It’s very possible somebody male was mixing up some shots last night. For example do you know what’s in Minnesota Bottle Shot? It’s tea and whiskey and jello. Not really, who knows what’s in it – but don’t give that to any kids until you know what it is. When a man is at the point where he’s mixing up tea shots and chilling them in the fridge, he is on the verge of passing out.
The Solution: The question isn’t really what’s going on, the question is what are you going to do with this seething ball of rage you’ve got swirling around at the center of your soul right now, and I think the obvious answer is, something passive-aggressive. I would either hide the tea and see if anyone has the nerve to ask where their two ounces of liquid went, or I would add a heaping table-spoon of salt to each one, shake it firmly, and then crack a book at the kitchen table and play a waiting game.
Might want to go get some beer first, to pass the time.