Advice For Movie Villains

02 Feb

It always detracts from my movie experience when I can think of something right off the bat which would have allowed the villain to win, and he or she just conveniently doesn’t think of it.  I’ll try to stay away from the obvious stuff that’s been done a hundred times – like installing a door on that Death Star Weak Spot seems like it would have been a better use of time and energy than building giant mechanical camels.

Usually the villain isn’t thought out quite as carefully, even by the great writers.  Like Tolkien for instance – remember in Return of the King, how the rules were that “no man could kill him.”  And so girls just plain didn’t occur to him. 

That little bit of sexism got him a sword in the face, and all he needed to do was email me and I would have pointed it out to him.  You see how carefully they worded this, Dark Rider Bill?  That doesn’t say anything about girls.  In fact, it doesn’t say anything about hobbits or elves or dwarves, either, so maybe just be careful out there. 

There’s more than dudes out there to worry about, you know?  Don’t get all cocky.

The time traveling robots in The Terminator series really needed some efficiency training as well.  If you’re a robot who can reach out and crush someone’s skull like an egg, then maybe the most efficient way to kill someone is to go ahead and reach out and crush his skull like an egg.  This whole pick-the-guy-up-and-throw-him-against-a-wall-then-stomp-over-to-him-and-repeat, that’s causing a lot of people to be able to reach stuff they can kill robots with.

Robots shouldn’t have a Brawl setting.  Find.  Kill.  Repair.  Keep it simple, evil robots.

Speaking of which, if you are killer robots who just took over most of the world, then just go to Arkansas and get all those chemical weapons the U.S. stockpiles and spray them all over the world.  Robototopia.

Seems like giant walking robots with smaller motorcycle robots coming out of their feet is just asking for trouble, and not a very efficient use of resources, either.  You give me an army of evil robots and I’ll kill every man, woman and child on the planet, all without leaving my Blogging Bunker.  Poison, motherscratchers, poison.  Can’t stress that enough.

Plus, you guys know you have to stop leaving the hero to die.  Remember when Jeffrey Lebowski took out Iron Man’s ARC reactor after he paralyzed him?  Just one bullet on the way out the door, Lebowski, and you would have had him. 

Don’t even get me started on the evil military forces in Avatar.  The whole reason they had to go to war against the Blue People was that they had a bunch of unobtanium under their enormous tree house.  It was the biggest deposit “in two hundred clicks.”

That really sounds like there’s a bigger deposit two hundred clicks away, and since you all came from another planet, I’m thinking you should have landed two hundred clicks away and helped yourself.

Or, if you really wanted what was under the tree, then you should build an orbital missile platform.  Then you wouldn’t have to send wave after wave of your men after them. 

Also, you might want to hire a negotiator.  I couldn’t help but notice that you claimed that you had nothing the Navi wanted, so you couldn’t trade with them.  And then I couldn’t help but notice they didn’t have any guns. 

So give them guns.  Looks like there were all sorts of other blue people around for them to shoot and rob and all that, just get them to trade their treehouse for a thousand guns.  Then mine the unobtanium while they’re bitchslapping all the other indigenous people around, and skate once global society collapses and you have the resources you need.

It doesn’t seem like I should have to tell you guys how to be evil.  Ramp it up a little, you just got your butts kicked by bows and arrows.  Oh, I forgot – get them all hooked on drugs, too.  You’re welcome.

A lot of times, just a cost analysis needs run right along side a risk-reward equation.  For example, in Die Hard With A Vengeance, stealing sixteen dump trucks of gold from the Federal Reserve is sure a lot of money, but you’re paying a staff of what, thirty people?  Building how many bombs?  Buying the dump trucks, renting what was that a cargo ship?

How many dump trucks worth of gold did that cost?  What was the Net Dumptruck Gain?

It’s just that you guys seem REALLY smart and competent, and I think that you might have done well to just start a tech company or a logistics outfit.  Same staff, a few drivers, different goals – this is America, you could do just fine without the terrorism.

Oh well, crazy is crazy.  Sorry for the old Movie Cliche’ Phone-In.  See you tomorrow.


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2 responses to “Advice For Movie Villains

  1. ecossie possie

    February 3, 2011 at 1:32 am

    Dr Evils son had the same complaint in one of the Austin Powers movies..He was like just shoot them.Forget about the long drawn out deaths an encloseing walls .Just shoot them now..

  2. bex

    February 3, 2011 at 3:10 am

    very enjoyable.

    i can’t help but wonder whose side you are on…


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