CSI: Arkansas Vs. The Serial Bird Thumper

27 Jan

You know what I expect when I click on an article entitled Report Gives Answers To Bird Deaths In Arkansas?

You guessed it – answers.  But yes, I would agree that not quite everyone’s idea of answers are the same.  Wrong, stupid, or incomplete answers are all kinds of answers, yes?

To illustrate, consider the following exchange:

You:  Say, Tom, why aren’t you wearing pants?

Me:  Well, I woke up at the park and they were gone.  What day is it?

See how my answer was actually just a variation on “I don’t know?”

Well that’s just me being ridiculous.  You wouldn’t expect that from the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission in their official report following their investigation into the recent bird kills in their state, would you?

But go ahead and look.  You won’t believe what Ace Ventura and the Arkansas Pet Detectives came up with to “explain” the mystery.  (And yes, it’s a mystery, despite CNN’s idiotic claim that Carcass Storms Are Perfectly Normal).

Right from the article:

“Laboratory tests were conducted on 13 of the birds that were part of the group that flew into buildings and died in a neighborhood in Beebe, Arkansas, 40 miles northeast of Little Rock.”

Huh.  I hadn’t realized that the birds had flown into buildings right before they died.  I think that if I had heard such a thing, I and anyone in their right minds would have found their deaths considerably less mysterious.  But oddly, in the initial CNN article about this, they make absolutely no mention of birds flying into buildings. 

That article was called Arkansas Game Officials Probe Mystery of Falling Birds, and it seems to me that if they had all flown into the sides of buildings, it would have been called something more like Why Did This Particular Flock Of Five Thousand Birds Fly Into The Sides Of Buildings?

I mean, we’d know why they fell out of the sky, right?  If they all hit buildings?

In a way, I kind of appreciate the complete lack of a smokescreen or a cover-up.  Just go ahead, and say something else this time, CNN – the past is gone, right? 

See, the first article says they fell out of the sky and were still falling out of the sky when investigators arrived.  So that’s awfully odd, declaring a Birds Falling Out Of The Sky Mystery, then publishing idiotic articles about how in fact normal that is, and then completely recharacterizing the dead birds as birds “that flew into buildings.”

See how that’s not the same mystery all of the sudden?  See how suddenly, it’s pretty easy to solve? 

Next, please investigate the startling mystery of the dead deer showing up every mile or so along county roads, and cue the X-Files music.

So far, I have seen nothing to effectively contradict The Horrifying Bird And Fish Reverse Conspiracy Theory, not anywhere in the news.  And yes, I know it’s just an unproven theory, but check this out, also right from the article:

“The tests ruled out bacteria, viruses, heavy metals, pesticides and avicides (chemicals used to kill birds) as causes of death.”

Cause I mean, that’s weird.  Looks like you guys ruled out a lot of stuff, including some very specific chemicals, and yet you declined to check the birds for evidence of chemical weapons tests from the largest depository of chemical weapons in the United States of America, which is right there in the area. 

If you found a man dead in a pile of his own blood and vomit right outside the chemical weapons storage facility, would it still not occur to you to check him for evidence of chemical weapons exposure? 

Looks like this guy died of a broken heart, boys – let’s wrap him up and go home.

I mean, avicides?  That’s good work, fellas.  “We better check these critters for bird poison.  Oh, awesome, they’re clean, so they must have fallen down!”

Really.  After such a detailed investigation, that’s what they came up with.  These birds died from blunt trauma, almost as if they all hit something.  These birds which we’re suddenly going to describe as having hit buildings, instead of dying mysteriously and falling out of the sky, like we said two weeks ago.

Riddle me this:  If our government had been testing or mishandling the dangerous chemical weapons which they store by the thousands of metric tons right down the street, and if whatever they did released these dangerous chemicals into the environment where it came into contact with five thousand birds, then do you think that maybe the birds could all get sick and then fall out of the sky? 

And then do you think they would experience some blunt trauma when they hit the freaking ground?

Yes, so do I, Watson. 

So, since you officials still don’t have an answer other than “They died from hitting the ground,” or “All of them simultaneously ran into buildings,” then how about if you stop insulting the general population and test the chemical weapons test theory, which fits the facts of the incident like a glove?

Again, this isn’t a report.  It’s propaganda.  It’s old-fashioned horse shit. 

And if you think I’m being paranoid about CNN participating in some kind of cover-up (wouldn’t take much, they don’t have to know what’s going on, just hand them a sack of tacos and they’ll say whatever the hell you want), then please examine the last paragraph of the story:

“This incident came several days before another mass death of animals. In that incident, 450 miles south of Beebe, some 500 red-winged blackbirds, starlings and sparrows were found dead. Also that same week, about 50 dead birds were found on a street in Sweden.”

Ah yes, it did come right around the time of those two relatively unremarkable incidents.  But it also came at around the same time as 2 million dead fish in the Chesapeake Bay, 150 tons of red tilapia floating dead off of Vietnam, 40,000 dead crabs in Britain, and 100,000 dead fish that same week, right there in Arkansas. 

I understand that you guys are all news professionals and I am but a mere blogger, but are you pretty sure that you used the most informative, helpful examples there?  Because it sure looks like you carefully selected normal examples to match your other article about how carcasses rain from the sky all the time, and that this was right after you decided the birds were all simply clumsy and bonked their heads. 

If this is your idea of reporting, CNN, and this is your idea of an “answer,” then there are only three possibilities:  You are incompetent or you are a brothel, or both.

1 Comment

Posted by on January 27, 2011 in Bird and Fish Kills, News/Commentary


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

One response to “CSI: Arkansas Vs. The Serial Bird Thumper

  1. ecossie possie

    January 28, 2011 at 2:44 am


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