Why, hello there. You don’t know me and I don’t know you, but when I woke up this morning, I found that my Etsy-slinging Facebook friend Christy had posted an announcement on her wall, and it was directed at you. It was all about some common sense elements of courtesy and respect, which most of us exercise not just during our online activities, but throughout our entire social lives.
I am not an exciting man and so I had nothing better to do than go on over to her page and explore the hundred or so comments over there, and also to examine photographs of what appeared to be miniature cheeseburgers – I mean they were about the size of golf balls, maybe smaller.
I said, huh. That’s a weird thing to go around posting on someone’s wall. I shall investigate this Facebook incident thoroughly, for Queen and country.
So then I read through the comments, and now I understand. You are a wanker. I am pretty sure that Christy unfriended you, so I wasn’t sure if you had been told that directly. But being a wanker is a serious condition and I didn’t want to risk letting you go through life not knowing about it, because without proper treatment, being a wanker can lead to Ass For A Hat Syndrome. That’s not just bad for you, it’s bad for the town.
Upon closer reading I discovered that you had posted the photographs of cheeseburgers after learning that Christy can’t eat them. Let’s not even rehash her medical history here, she just told you an hour ago about the list of twelve categories of tasty treats that she’s not allowed to have, and cheeseburgers were one of them. So you said, heyyyy, look at these, don’t these look good?
And that’s just mean, sister. What’s wrong with you?
In fact, one of the few things Christy can eat is shrimp. My first thought was, well, if I had to pick one food and that’s it, I might pick shrimp, it gets a hell of a lot worse than that.
Yes, Christy was fairly excited about the shrimp she was about to eat, since she’s not allowed to eat much else, and you thought it was time to educate Christy about how irresponsible it is to eat shrimp, and how she ought to take her list of twelve things she isn’t allowed to eat, and add shrimp to it.
It’s bad enough when you pipe up with your own unsolicited food morality sermons, but it’s even worse when you’re whipping around Wikipedia articles like they’re Chinese throwing stars. I am certainly capable of being a sanctimonious prick, most of us here would agree, but it takes a special kind of snowflake to mix smugness with WIkipedia.
And then recommending some nutty vegan book while you’re at it – kind of reminds me of my crazy right-wing dad.
He’s about as far right as you can get. For example, here was his comment shortly after 9/11:
“What we need to do is put the fear of nuclear fire into them.”
I said, I’m sorry, what was that, Dad? I thought you just advocated the use of nuclear weapons in the War on a concept. So he said it again, coughing a little bit this time, looking annoyed, and following it up with “you heard me.”
Anyway, my old man – who loves to be called that – is constantly trying to get me to read books about how right he is. “You got to read this, Tom, it’s by a former Clinton aide, who is now a Republican and saw all the mistakes from the inside, and it will really open your eyes, etc, etc, etc.”
Dad’s not online, don’t worry about him. And even if he is, I think when you put a nuclear threat next to a book recommendation, well the irony is there even if you’re the one who said it.
Anyway, no, I’m busy (yes, I know, sure looks like it), and I’m not reading any books about who my Dad thinks we ought to incinerate and I’m not reading any books about what you think I should(n’t) eat.
But really, the only reason you’re getting an entire post dedicated to you – aside from laziness, and being the first concept to cross my mind this morning – is that you dropped this jewel of a quote at the end of your unsolicited food morality presentation:
“Some people eat to live (freedom). Some people live to eat (pathology).”
Which is when my Etsy-slinging pal Christy handed you your hat. Watch your step, the sidewalk’s slippery out there.
I just wanted to alert you to a third type of person. This is the type of person who eats to live and attempts to maximize the experience as often as possible by preparing a wide variety of tasty recipes, and who then minds their own goddamn business about what the person next to them is eating. Especially if the person next to them is allergic to practically everything yummy on the planet except what they are currently enjoying.
Eat to live or live to eat – where I come from, a fella can get his teeth knocked right out, talking like that. Pull yourself together.