Dear Unsolicited Food Morality Coach

22 Jan

Why, hello there.  You don’t know me and I don’t know you, but when I woke up this morning, I found that my Etsy-slinging Facebook friend Christy had posted an announcement on her wall, and it was directed at you.  It was all about some common sense elements of courtesy and respect, which most of us exercise not just during our online activities, but throughout our entire social lives.

I am not an exciting man and so I had nothing better to do than go on over to her page and explore the hundred or so comments over there, and also to examine photographs of what appeared to be miniature cheeseburgers – I mean they were about the size of golf balls, maybe smaller.

I said, huh.  That’s a weird thing to go around posting on someone’s wall.  I shall investigate this Facebook incident thoroughly, for Queen and country.

So then I read through the comments, and now I understand.  You are a wanker.  I am pretty sure that Christy unfriended you, so I wasn’t sure if you had been told that directly.  But being a wanker is a serious condition and I didn’t want to risk letting you go through life not knowing about it, because without proper treatment, being a wanker can lead to Ass For A Hat Syndrome.  That’s not just bad for you, it’s bad for the town.

Upon closer reading I discovered that you had posted the photographs of cheeseburgers after learning that Christy can’t eat them.  Let’s not even rehash her medical history here, she just told you an hour ago about the list of twelve categories of tasty treats that she’s not allowed to have, and cheeseburgers were one of them.  So you said, heyyyy, look at these, don’t these look good?

And that’s just mean, sister.  What’s wrong with you?

In fact, one of the few things Christy can eat is shrimp.   My first thought was, well, if I had to pick one food and that’s it, I might pick shrimp, it gets a hell of a lot worse than that.

Yes, Christy was fairly excited about the shrimp she was about to eat, since she’s not allowed to eat much else, and you thought it was time to educate Christy about how irresponsible it is to eat shrimp, and how she ought to take her list of twelve things she isn’t allowed to eat, and add shrimp to it. 

It’s bad enough when you pipe up with your own unsolicited food morality sermons, but it’s even worse when you’re whipping around Wikipedia articles like they’re Chinese throwing stars.  I am certainly capable of being a sanctimonious prick, most of us here would agree, but it takes a special kind of snowflake to mix smugness with WIkipedia. 

And then recommending some nutty vegan book while you’re at it – kind of reminds me of my crazy right-wing dad.

He’s about as far right as you can get.  For example, here was his comment shortly after 9/11:

“What we need to do is put the fear of nuclear fire into them.”

I said, I’m sorry, what was that, Dad?  I thought you just advocated the use of nuclear weapons in the War on a concept.  So he said it again, coughing a little bit this time, looking annoyed, and following it up with “you heard me.”

Anyway, my old man – who loves to be called that – is constantly trying to get me to read books about how right he is.  “You got to read this, Tom, it’s by a former Clinton aide, who is now a Republican and saw all the mistakes from the inside, and it will really open your eyes, etc, etc, etc.”

Dad’s not online, don’t worry about him.  And even if he is, I think when you put a nuclear threat next to a book recommendation, well the irony is there even if you’re the one who said it.

Anyway, no, I’m busy (yes, I know, sure looks like it), and I’m not reading any books about who my Dad thinks we ought to incinerate and I’m not reading any books about what you think I should(n’t) eat.

But really, the only reason you’re getting an entire post dedicated to you – aside from laziness, and being the first concept to cross my mind this morning – is that you dropped this jewel of a quote at the end of your unsolicited food morality presentation:

“Some people eat to live (freedom).  Some people live to eat (pathology).”

Which is when my Etsy-slinging pal Christy handed you your hat.  Watch your step, the sidewalk’s slippery out there.

I just wanted to alert you to a third type of person.  This is the type of person who eats to live and attempts to maximize the experience as often as possible by preparing a wide variety of tasty recipes, and who then minds their own goddamn business about what the person next to them is eating.  Especially if the person next to them is allergic to practically everything yummy on the planet except what they are currently enjoying.

Eat to live or live to eat – where I come from, a fella can get his teeth knocked right out, talking like that.  Pull yourself together.


Posted by on January 22, 2011 in Uncategorized


13 responses to “Dear Unsolicited Food Morality Coach

  1. Ondrew

    January 22, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    wow. That is some writing. I’m tracking the message. I’m with you. But wow. You have a gift with words.

  2. Christy

    January 23, 2011 at 3:01 am

    Tom, you’re a sweetheart and if I thought at all that you would enjoy a gluten/dairy/soy/egg-free cake, I’d bake you one right now. That was wonderful and made me laugh. Thank you!

    • Tom Chalfant

      January 23, 2011 at 4:09 am

      I am pleased to make you laugh and please, for the love of God do not underestimate my capacity for cake enjoyment. Send it on over, I will give that cake a good home.

    • Kimberly Kinrade

      January 23, 2011 at 7:34 pm

      For the record, I would LOVE one! As I have had to give up cake at two parties this week, and only eat iceburg lettuce at a banquet, because it was full of gluten, yeast and/or eggs! Got any good recipes? 🙂

  3. Wendy

    January 23, 2011 at 3:51 am

    After I read the ridiculosity posted on Christy’s page last night I spent a lot of time kicking things and muttering and being pissed off. At one point I thought “Damn. I should write a blog entry about how completely messed up that was. I should TELL that woman about herself. I should go look up some Wikipedia entries about being a thoughtless, condescending butthead, and just BLOW HER AWAY. Yes! That is what I’m doing! We must unite against the Food Police and tell them about themselves!”
    Five minutes later I got really involved in a serious documentary on the History Chan–FINE. I watched The Sweetest Thing again, which is one of the stupidest movies ever filmed, and by then my brain was too rotted to write anything for at least another 36 hours. Then I read this, and now I know that Cameron Diaz was sent specially by Jesus to keep me from being shamed by my own feeble efforts in the face of your brilliance.
    Also, “whipping around Wikipedia articles like they’re Chinese throwing stars”??? Might just be the best thing I have ever read.

    • Tom Chalfant

      January 23, 2011 at 10:11 pm

      I was really kind of hoping the culprit would show up and start hollering at us all but no such luck..

      As for the rest of your generous words, I’ll take a healthy plateful of that absolutely any time. I might have been giggling uncontrollably at the Chinese throwing star thing, too…

  4. Teena

    January 23, 2011 at 4:23 am

    Well said! Couldn’t have done better myself 😉 I hope they choke on a shrimp tail 😀

    • Tom Chalfant

      January 23, 2011 at 10:12 pm

      Some expressive smileys there – thank you Teena!

  5. Go-Go Rach

    January 23, 2011 at 4:40 am

    Frickin’ people. I hate it when they wanna bug me about what I wanna eat. Great rant, Tom. I loved it. Thanks for making me LMAO.


    • Tom Chalfant

      January 23, 2011 at 10:12 pm

      You’re very welcome as always! Heading over to read your opening here in a little bit, first I have to go run.

  6. Kimberly Kinrade

    January 23, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Christy, I can totally relate to you! I am allergic to gluten, eggs & yeast. And mildly sensitive to about a billion other things. Shrimp is on my OK list too 😉 Sorry about the cheeseburger things. Sucks.

    Great post Tom! 😉


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