Did You Know Somebody Owns The Sun?

21 Jan

Well, that’s what Time Magazine says, in this article appropriately titled Spanish Woman Declares Ownership Of The Sun, and yes, she’s serious, and yes, so is Time Magazine.

Her name is Angeles Duran, and she is Spanish, and she got her idea from another dude who apparently owns the moon and several planets.  That guy is American, and for some reason, I’ve never heard of him and the article doesn’t mention him by name.

Both of them are taking advantage of a poorly-worded international agreement which bars any nation from taking ownership of a celestial body.  But since this agreement does not mention individuals, then well, no one has agreed that individuals cannot own them, so there you go.

I guess that much like the frontier days, it’s fairly easy to take ownership of something which no one owns yet at all.  You pretty much just bang a sign into the ground – Tom’s Ranch.  Then you have to deal with the local natives and whatnot, but it’s a good problem to have today, if you didn’t own anything to defend from natives yesterday.

Of course in the frontier days, I think you could argue that the natives already owned it, and you’re just a white guy who can’t speak their language and has a gun.  Our new Sun Queen doesn’t have to worry about natives in space (as far as we know), and neither does her lower-key American pal.

Now what power on Earth could possibly convey ownership of the Sun to someone?  Well, the highest authority possible, the most powerful individual known to man – my peers and colleagues the Notary Publics.

That’s right – she went before a Notary and made it official.  He said, okay, this is just a standard Sun Ownership Declaration Form – you’ll just need to initial there and there, and then sign right there.  Affixed his seal, and it was done.  Congratulations on your new Sun, seniorita.

According to the Sun Queen: 

“There was no snag. I backed my claim legally. I am not stupid. I know the law,” she said. “I did it but anyone else could have done it. It simply occurred to me first.”

Which is weird, because didn’t you just tell me that an American guy gave you the idea?  So like, why didn’t it occur to him?  Or his shiftless brother-in-law?  Or anyone else at all?

Actually, you don’t want to mouth off like that to the Sun Queen, and not just because she would then shout “SILENCE!” at you and have you destroyed.  No, she says pretty soon she’s going to start charging us all for sunlight, and I’m not sure how she plans to regulate it, but either way, I think this is someone you want to be nice to. 

Really, even if she’s just crazy.

I don’t, however, think she’s taking into account that with ownership comes liability.  Look for a class action lawsuit next year when her fission reactor in the sky gives millions of people a sunburn.  Did you put a warning label on that thing, Angeles?  I mean, did you consult an attorney at all?

I don’t think she even consulted a real estate agent, because very generally, it’s not a good idea to buy a place if you wouldn’t want to live there.  And I’ll just remind you of what William T. Sherman had to say about Texas back in the day:  “If I owned Texas and Hell, I’d rent Texas out and live in Hell.”

Well, what can I say – Time Magazine has a way of being flip about things like Suns.  Here’s another article where they ask the burning (heh) question, “Will the Earth have two suns in 2012?”

I’ll save you some time:  No.

I mean, they were just asking, right?

They’re talking about Beetlejuice, which may or may not be spelled completely differently, and which is going to go nova either next year, or sometime in the next several million.  And if it does, it’s going to look like another Sun.

I think most people would agree, that’s a pretty significant last half of that sentence, the part about the next several million years.

Also significant is how far away the nova is going to be.  Betelgeuse (just so you know I can really spell it) is about 640 light years away from Earth, so if it actually goes nova next year, it seems to me that we won’t have two suns until 2651.  I’m not really sure, I’m just a country bumpkin blogger who is not schooled in astronomy, etc, etc, etc.

In general, I’m not really sure what happened to Time Magazine.  It seems like they used to be a serious magazine with serious stuff in it.  Now they’re giving us stories about Spanish grifters who own the Sun (but nobody cares, so you know she doesn’t REALLY own the Sun), and then a big story about how there might be 2 suns next year. 

Except no there won’t, really it’ll be in the next 641 to 3,000,641 years.  Somewhere in that range.

Thanks, Time Magazine.  Listen, how about going on up to your room for a little bit, okay slugger?  The grownups need to talk.


Posted by on January 21, 2011 in News/Commentary


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “Did You Know Somebody Owns The Sun?

  1. Brian

    January 22, 2011 at 2:48 am

    I am speechless.

    • Tom Chalfant

      January 22, 2011 at 4:26 am

      That’s just how the Sun Queen likes it. Go ahead and drop a nickel in this bucket.


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