That’s something I get asked a lot – Tom, is there anything I could do to make the world a better place for you?
Well, sure, that’s a great question. If someone is reading this blog out loud to you, then you might want to get out a pencil and jot down some notes, because there are in fact plenty of things you could do that I would appreciate, and if everyone pitches in just a little, then I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how happy and productive I become.
For example. Fried chicken or cupcakes. I mean, I’m not saying you need to knock both of those things out and drive them over or anything, that would be kind of presumptuous of me.
No, just pick whichever one you are really good at. My friend Sarah for instance – TWO fried chicken dinners last year. Two of them. Look yourself in the eye, blogosphere – have you been sitting around talking about how much Tom deserves a homemade, buttermilk fried chicken dinner, or have you gotten up off your can and done something about it?
And if you’re not very good at frying chicken, or if you have never done it and are concerned about handing me a plate of substandard chicken (a solid concern, which I appreciate in and of itself), then you could always do what my friend and coworker Julie does – you could make a different sort of gourmet cupcake every day or so, and then bring me four of them.
Yes, I know. You might think from my previous post Enormous Cupcakes Are Not The Answer that I am somehow against cupcakes. Not true. That post was about obesity in America and cupcakes the size of your head, and I stand by it. If you want to help America, then don’t make a giant cupcake for every man, woman and child in the country. Pass out some celery sticks or something, I’ve lost interest in that subject, I don’t know.
But I’m a big fan of shooting off my mouth about what everyone else should or shouldn’t do, and then doing whatever I like, and that goes for cupcakes, too. Julie understands this. Why don’t you?
And just to illustrate how thoroughly she understands this, Julie just poked her head into my office (which is of course actually someone else’s office), and said, man, maybe Sarah and I should get together sometime, that way you could have chicken and cupcakes at the same time. Or even some kind of chicken-flavored cupcake.
That’s nothing short of inspiring, Amish Barn-Raising-Style. Do you see Julie’s stock going through the roof right now? See, that could be your stock, but you’re just sitting there, aren’t you?
Anyway, if you don’t know how to make either of those things, then don’t try swinging by Giant Eagle and buying their versions, because you don’t want to insult me, right? Just message me and I will put you in contact with Sarah or Julie, and I’m sure they can work out a reasonable rate for you, so they can make their own asskicking versions of those things, and then you can be the one who brings them by.
I would certainly appreciate it, and thanks again for asking.
Aside from that, I guess there are a few other things I would appreciate. Like I guess if Wendy’s wanted to stop bragging about their “natural cut” fries with “sea salt” then I’d probably feel a lot better. It just seems like they’re trying to imply that their fries are somehow healthy and holistic.
What does that even mean? Who in their right mind would give a shit about the manner in which you cut your super processed food item right before you drop it into a vat of boiling fat? I know that all you mean is, you’re not going to peel them.
In fact, Wendy’s, go ahead and stop showing commercials period. You are a multi-billion dollar disgrace to the memory of possibly the greatest American to ever live besides Colonel Sanders himself. My memories of what Wendy’s used to be are a precious childhood memory, and every time I buy something from you now, it’s like the toddler zombie from Pet Sematary comes horrifically dancing out the drive thru window at me and throws whatever I ordered in my face.
See, now I’m getting all worked up and losing my whole train of thought. That’s what happens, I’ve been trying to tell you.
Okay, what else? Well, I guess if we could all stop conducting our political discussions like we’re on the old Less Filling/Tastes Great commercials for Miller Lite, I’d probably appreciate that. And if we could also stop defending our Less Filling/Tastes Great arguments with variations of the old He Started It Defense, that’d be great, too.
Also, I know someone is buying those pajama jeans, so if it’s you, either stop it or buy enough for the rest of us. Tom like jeans. Tom likes pajamas. Quit being so selfish.
And speaking of selfish, it also bothers me when people bother people I know. Like as my friend Moira pointed out the other day, I know a LOT of bartenders. None of them like it when you stand there doing a perky little skit about what kind of drink you might like to have and whether or not it goes with your purse. If you don’t know what you want from my bartender friends yet, then close your mouth and think it through before you call them over to you. They are very, very busy (possibly because of me).
Also, quit telling me how to type and don’t mail me anything because I don’t open my mail and stop putting bumper stickers on your car because NOTHING is permanently clever or funny. And if you’re my neighbor, stop feeding the wrong kind of birds, because my wife sounds like a really angry bird indeed when she’s standing at the window hollering about it.
Also, no more big inflatable Christmas statues in your front yards – I find them crass.
Thanks a bunch. You can utilize the comment section below as a Cupcake/Fried Chicken sign-up sheet, in case you are worried about batshit bonkers notions like Too Many Cupcakes or Too Much Fried Chicken (I can assure you, I am not).
To avoid scalping, I’m afraid the sign-up spots will have to be non-transferable. Void where prohibited. Blogger is not responsible for injuries incurred while preparing tasty treats for him. Member FDIC.