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It’s Never Too Late For Wife Number Six

03 Jan

What with gay and lesbian human beings who are in love with each other attempting to destroy the institution of marriage and force us all into witchcraft and tattoo parlors, I thought that it was high time we all reminded ourselves that every human being deserves a half a dozen cracks at true love.  So like, quit being so judgmental.

I know what my first wife thinks about this, because she’s always telling me, “Quit calling me that, jerk.”

And that’s fine.  I understand that’s one of those unspoken Husband Rules like we’re the ones who have to dispose of dead pets and we’re allowed to fart.  Apparently, it’s not okay to start assigning numbers to your wives when you’re still on your first one. 

Anything you say, Princess.

But just check out Ahmad Mohamad Isa, a 110 year-old Malaysian dude who is on the market for his sixth wife.  No, he’s not a Malaysian Mormon, though that’s getting more and more common every day.  He doesn’t have any wives at all right now, hence the public inquiry.

Don’t be too hard on him, he’s not Malaysian Hugh Hefner or anything – and something tells me his wives aren’t as hot either – but simply a dude who has outlived four wives, and probably everyone else that he knows, as well.

Yes, there was a fifth wife, whom he divorced.  I guess we have to refer to her as the Lucky One, right?  I’m afraid that in Malaysia, just like everywhere else, not everything goes according to everyone’s plan.  People change, things don’t work out – it’s just the way of the world.

Anyway, she’s gone, and Isa is kicking off his twelfth decade on Earth, and he’s thinking, you know what?   I’m getting tired of making my own turkey pot pies.

Don’t yell at me, just read the article.  He says it out loud:  “It doesn’t matter who she is, as long as she can cook for me.” 

Amen, brother.  I know that meal preparation is one of the cornerstones of my marriage.  Those guys at Taco Bell are cool and all, and I truly believe they care about me, but there just isn’t that spark, you know?  That je ne sais quoi.

Of course, when my wife isn’t speaking to me (75% of Saturday mornings, 30% of Sundays, and 95% Tuesday afternoons, for some reason, I don’t know, I just found out there was a Tuesday afternoon), I can always rely on my three daughters or my own cunning, kitchen instincts. 

I just start barking, from wherever I am in the house, “EGGS!”  or “HAMBURGER!” or “SPAGHETTI!” until it happens, you know?

This guy, who has 20 grandkids and 40 great grandkids, and at least one daughter, HAS to be some sort of serious prick, if he’s 110 years old and having trouble getting a grilled cheese.

But, he still knows how to talk to the ladies, as you can see.  He just, you know, says the things they want to hear, like, “It is lonely to live alone and I am afraid to sleep alone. If I have a wife she can take care of me.”

I’ve been married for something like 300 septillion years, so I haven’t had to try out a sweet line like that in a bar or anything, but I’ll bet that telling the ladies that you are afraid to sleep alone is probably about as smooth as it gets.  Rolling yourself up in a ball and whimpering – that’s kind of like nesting, yes?

Can you weep and poop yourself while you say that?  Probably a good idea, if you can.  Come closer, come closer, said the spider to the fly.

The great news is, Isa has already attracted a taker, in 82-year-old Sanah Ahmad.  Yes, you can mock the age difference all you like, but Isa  has to have it the way Isa has to have it, and legal is legal, right?  Get off his back already – she knows what she’s doing.

In fact, it looks like a pretty good deal to his decades-younger hottie fiancee, who pointed out that Isa very closely, physcally resembles her late husband, and also conveniently has the same name.  I mean, what’s better than not having to memorize a whole new face and name, right?

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that he’ll probably eat whatever the last guy ate, too.  Eating was, after all, the first freaking thing he brought up – it seems like something he really enjoys.

Also, I love how his daughter is handling the negotiations.  They’re probably about the same age, so they can speak the same lingo, dig the same radio stations and Malaysian vampire movies, etc. 

Matter of fact, I just knocked out a quick email – given her age, someone needs to go ahead and verify that this isn’t the fifth wife, the one he divorced.  They’re getting up there, they could be confused as all get out.  And the daughter could actually be 80-something Super Twins Mary-Kate and Ashley, hitting him with the old Malaysian Parent Trap, trying to get him to marry their mom again.

You’d think he’d be on the lookout for that old gag, but he’s 110 years old, and he’s hungry.  It’s our job as the Internet to watch his back.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on January 3, 2011 in News/Commentary

 

Tags: , , , ,

6 responses to “It’s Never Too Late For Wife Number Six

  1. Gregory Wilcox

    January 3, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    je ne sais WHAT?

     
  2. Go-Go Rach

    January 7, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Tom,

    Have I told you how I think you are the funniest writer, eva? Well, I just did. I have been laughing out loud with every word.

    Love ya,

    GGR

     
    • Tom Chalfant

      January 7, 2011 at 8:37 pm

      You have and that’s so nice of you to say, and I urge you to keep right on saying it. I’m really glad you liked it. Also, when you sign your name like that I always think you’re growling at me.

       
  3. Go-Go Rach

    January 7, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    LAUGHING OUT LOUD AGAIN! I love, love, love the way you think! I had not considered my GGR might come across as “growling!” Elsewhere, this IS GOOD! I hope it offers an extra kick in the balls for all the STEPTARDS I loathe. I love it!

    Since you have brought this to my attention, I realize I need to apply a little change when I visit your hood. My friends call me “Rach,” so I will now be concluding future responses with the appropriate signature. How do you like that?

    With fondness,

    XXX
    Rach

     
    • Tom Chalfant

      January 7, 2011 at 10:26 pm

      Rach at no point did I say you ought to stop growling, just that you were growling. Maybe you should mix it up from visit to visit.

       

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