Let’s Go Have a Christmas Beer With Shawn

24 Dec

Just a quick beer or two – we’ll go and see him at the King Avenue Five while he’s working, that way we don’t get pulled into his icy cold gravitational pull and end up blinking at each other all bleary-eyed in a few hours, wondering how we ended up in jail.

I need to drop off this copy of Inception for him anyway, it’s a Christmas present and also once he watches it, he can explain to us what happened in it and who Keyser Sozzey is and all that.

If you don’t know who Shawn is, then buy my book because me and him and God are in it, about four pages in.  It’s not really God, though, it’s a Blogographic Simulation.  Ah, here we go, a spot at the bar, and some uncomfortable looks from some staff members – I’m in here a lot, busting stuff up, burrowing under booths to sleep in secret, and eating chicken wings with my mouth open, so not everyone’s happy to see me all the time, you know?

There he is, here Shawn, have a copy of Inception, Merry Christmas.  Shawn say, yeah I figured I should ask you before handing you a copy of Starcraft 2 for Christmas, because of what happened with the first one, when it enslaved your soul for several months.

I said good idea.  Maybe April 10, 2011, when Future Tom Year One is over, you ought to toss me that thing, and I’ll crawl into my basement for a week and do what needs to be done.  It’s hard enough getting 800 words a day up on here without the greatest game ever conceived by man at my fingertips, you know?

Shawn says a bunch of OSU football players just got in a bunch of trouble for selling stuff they owned, and for some reason they’re not allowed to do that.  I blink at him – you mean those guys who got tattoos for autographs?

That’s what he means.  Shawn is a former football player – Princeton, in case you care – and he doesn’t have any tattoos at all.  Unless they’re on his butt or something, I’ve never asked.  Back then the Internet really was a system of tubes, operated by ropes and pulleys and hamster wheels, so Shawn probably got away with all kinds of crap while these guys were here in the future with us, getting crap for being popular.

I imagine Shawn was probably like one of the Goodfellas back then, chicks, guns, trampolines, etc.  Did you know he climbed one of the Grand Tetons?  That’s mountains, is what the Grand Tetons are.  He saw a bear, but he didn’t kill it cause he’s nice.

He doesn’t talk about any of that mountain climbing Goodfellas stuff much.

Still, think about that.  Shawn’s a pretty educated gargantuan six-four Zen Master, who likes to drink beer and play video games and explain particle physics to me, over and over again.  The reason he received that education is that he was a big football player.  I mean, he’s smart, obviously, but that’s just the reason he understood what they were telling him.  They were telling him because of football. 

We’re kind of thinking, the OSU football program pretty much pays for every other athletic program at OSU.  Fencing?  Bowling?  Throwing the javelin?  You’re welcome, say these football players – now why can’t we get tattoos for free again?

Anyway, neither of us really cares, that’s just how it seems on the surface.  This doesn’t seem like a horrifying scandal to either of us, just sitting here pushing it back and forth on the bar.

Oh, and look!  There’s local musician James Ranke, who is the only conceivable reason why you might want to set foot in the Grove City Applebees on Wednesday nights.  He just pretended like he doesn’t know me, but he does.  We’re like BFFs – he’ll be back.

I gave him my number ages ago, so I just like KNOW he’s going to call.

One time, when James was asleep in Shawn’s living room, he was so knocked out that when his phone went off in the morning to wake him up for work, he couldn’t hear it, and James became the second person that I’ve ever had to physically pick up by the collar and shake awake, in my whole life. 

Really, I shook him like John Cusack shook that drunk guy at the party in Say Anything.  You must wake up, James!  You must wake up right now!

His phone was in his front pocket, you know – it’s not like I’m going to reach in there and turn it off.  Wake up, local rocker – that’s what you get for hanging out with Shawn in the first place.

You bought your ticket, you knew the risks.

Okay, so we’re approaching eight hundred words, and I hope you’ve enjoyed having a beer with Shawn.  Tune in tomorrow, when I’ll detail a conversation that we had about the unbelievably complicated codes that computers can generate these days.

Like for instance, supposedly they can create codes so complicated that if the entire universe were made of computers, and all those computers worked until the end of the universe, they still couldn’t break the codes.

And then I’ll tell you about something Shawn told me about – I’ll call it the Parallel Universe Infinity Drive – which can probably break them.  And that means civilization is either going to collapse into chaos, or blossom into Utopia.

A tasty couple of beers with Shawn.  I’ll let you know what he thinks about Inception, too.

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Posted by on December 24, 2010 in Celebrities, Knuckleheads, Phoning It In


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