Last Minute Christmas Shopping, East London Style

24 Dec

I know what it’s like because every year I end up wrapping up the Christmas shopping on a loosely-planned solo mission, and I’m afraid there are usually a couple of bars involved.  Also, there are Christmas parties and probably some kind of professional sport is in season.

So you have to watch it around the holidays.  You don’t want to let the festivities roll up into something irresponsible and dangerous.  It’s easy to understand, but there’s no real excuse for it.  I’m sure we can all agree on that.

However this article right here tells me about a gentleman in East London who took this to a bit of an extreme.  He was pulled over intoxicated with his wife and five kids in the car, and he wasn’t just a little bit intoxicated.  His blood-alcohol level was 32 times the legal limit – the article explains what the limit was, but they use the Metric system, so there’s no way to tell what they’re talking about.

But even if their legal limit is conservative compared to ours, that would mean he drank about 64 beers, or a half gallon of whiskey.  That’s pretty hammered.  So hammered that I’m reading about it on the other side of the planet, and now so are you.

I think it’s very clear that he would have been better off having his wife drive, or any of the five kids who had the power to sit up.  And fortunately, no one was physically hurt, though I’m afraid that the kids will probably be discussing this day with a series of counselors for many years.

Because if you clicked on the article, then you know that there was something else troubling about the traffic stop.  It’s in the last paragraph – the casual mention of the fifteen stolen sheep which were also in the vehicle.

The sheep had been stolen from various local farms, and apparently reports were filed and then I’ll bet he wasn’t difficult to spot, once they were on the lookout for a vehicle full of live sheep. 

Now, I have had the misfortune of driving a small Chevy Prizm with a pair of live goats in it, but I was stone sober – a long and unpleasant story.  I can tell you from experience that just two live goats in the car was extremely distracting, and witnesses have attested that there was a pretty strong odor as well. 

So I’m trying to get my mind around this idea of operating the vehicle with all the stolen sheep in it.  And that’s before even starting to get my mind around the reasons behind the big sheep heist.  It seems like it might take a half a gallon of whiskey for that to seem like a decent idea.

Let’s try to think of nice, innocent reasons for this, so our heads don’t explode.  I’m thinking that the owners of the sheep might have been crooks, and this guy was just settling an old score.  The kids might have been precocious orphans, and maybe they were in a Disney movie and the cops didn’t know it.

Or he could have been doing some last minute shopping.  East London is a different culture, and it’s not cool of us to judge him for deciding to give everybody a live sheep this year.  It’s the thought that counts, and what with the economy, he probably couldn’t afford to pay for the sheep.  Still the wrong thing to do, but we’re all human, right?

Anyway, I know there’s nothing funny about driving around drunk as an owl with your wife, five kids, and fifteen stolen sheep in the car, but I think that all the wives out there ought to stop and reflect on what a cool lady this guy’s married to.  She’s up for anything!

You want to go catch a movie?  She’ll go catch a movie.  You feel like hiking?  Hell, yeah, so does she.  How about a whiskey-fueled road trip from sheep farm to sheep farm, maybe some banjo music on the CD player, while I run inside each of the barns and steal some sheep?

You got it, sweetheart, says The Greatest Wife Ever.  But only if the kids can come!

See how she’s holding the family together, working with what she’s got?  She doesn’t want to stress out her man by arguing with him, and togetherness is togetherness. 

After a long week at work, the last thing any man needs to hear is “no.”  Cause it seems like here in the States, that’s all we hear.

No, you can’t have a second quart of whiskey.  No, we don’t need any free sheep.  No, put the crossbow away we’re pulling over.

I understand that you all probably want to spend most of your energy condemning this guy, but instead since it’s Christmas, let’s all reflect on his heroic wife, who stuck right by her man even when his destructive behavior lurched across the border into old-fashioned insanity, child endangerment and unlwaful sheep collection.

Time to look in the mirror, ladies.


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3 responses to “Last Minute Christmas Shopping, East London Style

  1. ecossie possie

    December 25, 2010 at 1:46 am

    Ah East London in South Africa I was thinking London UK The Eastend of London has some rough areas .Never heard of sheep hoarding though.Perhaps he suffers from insomnia.An wanted to count them at night….Merry Christmas Everyone…………

  2. Brian

    December 25, 2010 at 6:09 am

    Simply awesome. Merry Christmas from North Carolina.

  3. robertgbobo

    December 28, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    what is a counsellor? (kidding!…last one to call out mistakes!)


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