Something Free, Which I Am Happy To Sell

22 Dec

I’m just trying to be helpful here, and it’s America.  When you come up with a solution to someone’s problem, it’s considered perfectly fine to sell that solution.  Even when the solution is something which is generally free.  Something like urine.

You heard me.  Meet Alan Patton, a fellow consumer and all-around weird dude – definitely more weird than me, which is saying a lot – who keeps getting arrested for collecting or attempting to collect urine from public restrooms.

On Monday, he did something rather selfish in connection with his recent arrest – he waived his right to a jury trial.  Just went ahead and completely robbed twelve people of a hilarious, laugh riot of a jury duty experience.  Probably a good thing, too – where on Earth would we find some peers for this guy?

Now, are you wondering what exactly he was charged with?  Good question – it was unlwaful collection of a bodily substance.  So now maybe you’re thinking, that’s odd – the existence of such a specific charge suggests that this isn’t the first guy to think to himself, man, I could stick a cup in the urinal at the Burger King and set myself up with some free urine.

But you’re wrong.  The law exists because this guy did it before.  That time it was in Dublin, and he was already a sex offender (voyeurism), and they didn’t know what to charge him with so they charged him with criminal mischief.  In the article, the judge even points out that it’s not a crime to drink someone else’s pee, but that she would support a such a law, if anyone wanted to pass one.

Lo and behold, the system works.  As a result, in 2008, a bill was proposed in the Ohio Senate making it illegal to collect urine, and then in 2009 the bill passed.  And then soon enough, Alan Patton was arrested again and they knew just what to charge him with, and here we are.

This time, a cop happened to pop into the restroom, where Mr. Patton was hanging around waiting on someone to pee in his urinal cup.  Whatcha doin’ Mr. Patton? 

Nothing, why?

He pleaded not guilty, by the way.  He said, well sure I’ve been arrested for this before, and sure, Ohio had to make a special law about this because of me, but there’s been a misunderstanding.  I was just hanging around the Burger King bathroom because it smells nice and there’s free soap.

Interestingly, he’s probably got that right idea.  I don’t see how they’re going to make the charges stick, because he didn’t actually collect any urine.  Is Attempted Urine Collection a crime yet, or do we have to go back and propose another bill?

It all seems like a lot of trouble to me.  Just imagine all the time and energy our hard-working state politicians spent on this guy, and it wasn’t necessary at all.  You want some urine, nut?  No problem – everything’s for sale.

Somebody this brain-rattlingly strange is not normally someone I feel like helping out, but it’s not really compassion or goodwill that’s motivating me.  The truth is, I’m a little strapped for cash, and what the hell can I say?  I’ve got what this guy wants, so let’s talk numbers.

If the guy wants some urine, I’m happy to sell it to him.  It’s five hundred dollars for a Gatorade bottle full of it, and that beats the hell out of sixty days in jail, don’t you think?

In fact, don’t tell him this, but did you know that you can order yourself some urine and a fake phallus to strap onto yourself complete with a heating unit to keep it at body temperature?  Sure, just check the back of High Times, it’s for really elaborately beating a drug test, if you don’t want to go through the pain-in-the-ass process of not taking any drugs.

You don’t need to give me that look, I’m a blogger and it’s my job to know about these things.

Anyway, it appears that Mr. Patton prefers the urine of children, and my first thought is, well, we’re going to Fedex the Gatorade bottle to him once the money hits our Paypal account, it’s not like he’ll ever be in the same room with us, so what do I or my kids care?

You want some kids’ urine?  Sure, no problem – but that’s two thousand bucks, cause it’s a specialty item and they’re going to want a cut.  Still beats prison, right? 

Sure, but my wife’s a big square and was all like, that’s gross, you’re crazy, I’m calling a doctor and then a lawyer and then the cops.  Always the drama queen, always stinking up my rackets and insurance scams with her hand-wringing. 

No way around her, though.  She lives here, and I’m not going to collect my kid’s urine in secret – that’s against the law, you know.

So don’t tell him, but it’s really going to be my urine, labelled as kid’s urine.  What do you want to bet he can’t tell the difference?


Posted by on December 22, 2010 in Future Tom Grab Bag, News/Commentary


Tags: , , , , , ,

4 responses to “Something Free, Which I Am Happy To Sell

  1. JC Phelps

    December 22, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Eeeewwww! But I think you have the right idea. Sell him some! Then again… Don’t they say genius borders on crazy. Maybe he’s really collecting DNA for his crazy schemes.

  2. sparrow1969

    December 22, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Ack…I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. I can’t believe such sick buggers exist.

    I loved this: “You don’t need to give me that look, I’m a blogger and it’s my job to know about these things.”

    I can’t wait to have the opportunity to quote that!!!

  3. ecossie possie

    December 23, 2010 at 12:41 am

    I think this guy is takeing the piss…

  4. Kimberly Kinrade

    December 26, 2010 at 2:12 am

    LMAO See the things I would miss out on if not for you and your blog? Wow. I’m happy to sell my urine too. No problems there!


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