Our story begins in 1972 at 17000 feet in the Himalayan Mountains. Three mountain climbers are hiking around in the snow, with guns and lanterns, the way you used to back then, apparently. They find a nice, flat-floored cave which a small town could find shelter in, and inside it, something growls at them. Hmm.
They wonder what it could be. Oh, there it is, albino Chewbacca, making a strange monster movie appearance just two minutes into the film. Ooops, there’s a ripped-apart hiker, and there’s a close up of the Yeti, and he doesn’t look much like Chewbacca at all. He looks more like the gremlin on the wing in the old Twilight Zone movie.
Then, in the future, an arrogant athlete is chatting up a woman on a plane, and it’s my guess she’s some kind of Bigfoot scientist. Ah, apparently the whole football team is flying over the Himalayas. So I guess, the movie assumes that the story of the Yeti is best told from the sporadic travel experiences of white people. Weird.
The girl who I thought was a Bigfoot scientist is apparently a journalist – I should have guessed that. Either that or she’s the arrogant athlete’s girlfriend. They’re not being clear. Okay, no, looks like she’s just the football player’s girl.
Oops, the plane just crashed. Okay, looks like they’re playing it straight, there’s a football team and some of their hot girlfriends stranded in the Himalayas with a Yeti. And the coach trapped under something, and it looks like the pilots are dead. These guys are all freaking out and they don’t even know that in 1972, some other white guys got eaten by a Yeti around here.
Oops, one of the pilots is awake. He says, man, everything you need like a new radio for instance, is in the tail, which broke off and is about five miles away. And then all of the sudden, there’s the same Yeti! Looking rough, a really unattractive fellow. Just hanging around in the mountains, seething with hate, hankering human sandwiches. I’ll bet that Yeti right there is going to be a problem for these guys, on their way to get the radio from the tail.
Oh, okay, and now all of the sudden, a couple of these knuckleheads already found the tail. They try the radio, which is just sitting there by the tail, and the radio doesn’t help them. Static. They find some footprints into a familiar cave, and pretty soon, sure enough, hell yes they are getting chased down a cave by the Yeti!
Oh, and the Yeti ate a guy! Didn’t bite his arm off so much as bite the guy off of his own arm. The other guy was standing there with the arm, man that is not the way I want to go, no sir.
And then back at camp, the coach just died. These guys can’t catch a break.
You know, I thought the Yeti would be taller. Like twice that tall. This Yeti looks like a guy going to the grocery store at three in the morning. There’s a weird scene where they’re all hanging out on the plane in chairs, and one of the girls sees the Yeti out the window. Then later they’re all sitting around outside shivering around a fire again.
So I guess that would be a critique of the show – it isn’t clear if they are in danger of freezing to death, because half the time they cut to scenes inside the fuselage and it looks pretty snug in there.
Then they spend a while debating exactly why the movie has to take place. We can’t hike out of here cause we’re in the Himalayas! You ain’t the football captain here, Bub! And one of the guys fell in a hole or something, I think he’s the guy who ended up holding on to that severed arm when the Yeti ate that guy. He broke his foot or something, and he’s dragging it around in the snow, not getting eaten. The Yeti’s complicated I guess.
Then pretty soon there’s a scene where they catch a bunny and eat it, and you’re going to have a hard time convincing me that it’s not a direct reference to the time Bugs Bunny made a wrong turn at Albuqurque, and ran afoul of who again?
That’s right, the Abonimable Snowman. The Yeti.
Then they’re back in the safe, warm fuselage with blankets and all that. But this one guy has gone totally bonkers. He’s like, We Have To Eat The Dead! It’s the only way to survive!
I think they’ve been gone for two days, and ate a rabbit. This guy’s demanding they eat the dead people like it sounds tasty or something. He’s pretty abominable. In fact, now there’s a dead body missing, and right away, everybody’s like, “You hid that guy so you can eat him later!”
He was pretty excitied, pretty fast about eating people. I’d kind of be eyeballing him, too, if there was a dead guy missing. Weren’t you just talking about eating dead guys, Charlie?
I forgot to tell you that planet Earth has dispatched exactly two rescuers on skis to save the passengers, and they were almost there but now a Yeti found them.
I don’t want to give anything away. The Yeti pulls out a guys heart and shows it to him while it’s still beating, and then he steps on some girl’s head. It kind of blows up. It’s a gritty, visceral Yeti movie. Some pretty hard decisions get made.
Like when the Yeti kidnaps one of the girls, they instantly realize it’s “suicide to go after her now! We have to wait for first light!”
Still, no one else thought to make a Yeti movie, so that makes this the best Yeti movie ever, so that means five stars. Doesn’t look like it has a website, so there’s no way for you to check.