The Adventures Of Mister Camera Head

09 Dec

Well, Doctor Camera Head, I guess, since he’s a professor – and yes, he’s a real guy.  But no, that’s not really the rest of his name.

His boring, real name is Wafaa Bilal, and he’s an Iraqi-born photography professor at an NYC art school and an artist held in really high acclaim – apparently The Chicago Tribune named him Artist of the Year in 2007 for an exhibit of his in which people shot him with paint balls all the time.  Apparently, The Tribune meant that in a good way – I think maybe I’d take offense.

But Doctor Camera Head definitely should be his name, because he just got himself a camera embedded in the back of his head.  He had it done at a piercing salon, which I guess we can all imagine that idea forming, when the photography professor was hanging out with the piercing salon owner, a couple of beers, a little shop talk. 

Yeah, I like cameras.  Really?  I like permanently affixing things to people.  Hmmm, what are you doing later?

Makes you wonder if they bumped into each other like the chocolate and peanut butter guys, changed history.

Well, here’s the CNN article by Laura Dolan, appropriately titled, New York Professor Installs Camera In Head, and in fact, it appears that the whole thing is an art project commissioned by a museum in Doha, Qatar.  So yeah, that makes a lot more sense – an old story.

Someone at the museum gets the idea, then they find a man willing to have such a thing done to him, then what?  They request funding from the museum?

How many requests do you figure they got this year, if the old camera-on-the-back-of-the-head routine came out on top?  I’m thinking, one.

Really, I shouldn’t say that – for a couple of reasons.  First, because this guy is edging into supervillain territory.  I remember my old pappy used to tell me back when I was just a young pup, he’d tell me, son, don’t you ever mess around with no one who gets his skull pierced with a digital camera at the request of a foreign museum.  And I didn’t never forget it, neither.

But also because it’s mean. I’ll bet this guy thinks it’s a pretty good idea, because if he didn’t think it was a good idea, then I don’t see how it would have happened.  You’re not even allowed to plant cameras in convicted felons, unless they want you to.  We just don’t let you do that – I’m sure he had to sign a refinance-sized stack of papers to get this whole thing going.

Also, it doesn’t sound easy.  Maybe he doesn’t really need to hear from any wiseasses about it, you know?  Might be one of those commitments you make that sounded faboo at the time, but… 

Yes, so in keeping with this positive mentality, I decided to read the rest of the article and see if I could find out why on earth he thought it was such a good idea.  Let’s see – art, art, art, blibbity blobbity bloobity – okay, that’s good enough for me. 

I still don’t understand why he doesn’t change his name to Doctor Camera Head, though.  Seems like a pretty involved semi-surgical procedure to go all the way through, and then skimp on the obvious legal name-change maneuver.  He could have had some tee shirts screened, make a little scratch.  Some product placement deals, that kind of thing.

But okay, people don’t have to do all the stuff that occurs to me – in fact, even I do only a very small percentage of the things which occur to me.  For example, maybe once a year or so, I start thinking I should get a camera implanted in the back of the head, but I never actually do it.

This guy did – he’s hard core, man. 

Yes, the more I read about him, the more I realize that Mister Camera Head is an extremely impressive and interesting fellow.  In fact, according to the calculations of my contacts at NASA, I have less in common with this man than any other men in America right now, including cowboys and millionaires. 

That’s why I’m going to start keeping tabs on him – keep your friends close, yes?

Of course, it’s not going to be hard keeping track of him, because of his new, rear-mounted GPS skull cam.  We’ll all be able to follow his hilarious adventures at this website:  Professor Camera Head himself predicts it will be “mundane” – see how this guy needs some kind of agent, any kind at all?

Of course, realistically, it certainly is going to be mundane sometimes, since he’ll presumably be asleep at night and since during class, for privacy reasons, he has to wear a lens cap.  How long you figure before this completely new concept manifested itself in the university before someone developed a shrieking, quivering, hand-wringing problem with it?

Seriously – the guy teaches Photography.  Who the hell is questioning the presence of cameras in the classroom?

Anyway, I am definitely going to be haunting that website.  I’m thinking, maybe I can talk him into Skyping me and then turning around at picture time – then I’d be part of an art exhibit in Qatar, and I could cross that one off my Bucket List. 

My real question is, why not a video camera?  Why stop at frozen images when a video camera would have been just as easy to install, and since most of them also feature lens caps?

So I connected psychically with Doctor Camera Head and demanded to know why he was denying us all 59 seconds out of each minute of his life for the next year, if he hated freedom or what and he said it was because he was a big sissy.  I mean, don’t yell at me, that’s what he said.

I’m like man, you’re a walking reality show.  I know they can’t be paying photography professors so much that they couldn’t use a little advertising revenue.  You don’t need a crew or a set or anything.  Stream that shit live, man.

He hung up on me, which I didn’t know you could do with a psychic link but maybe that’s just one of his new Camera Head Powers.  Anyway, now there’s a restraining order, so it’s out of my hands.  No back of the head live video stream, and I probably have to find another way to get into the art exhibit in Qatar.

But that’s cool, I can live with just the photographs.  And I’ll be watching the GPS – this guy comes near Columbus, and I’m going to be right on his heels, smiling, with a cool, new hat.


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One response to “The Adventures Of Mister Camera Head

  1. Bill V

    December 9, 2010 at 1:37 am



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