Did you know that Darth Vader never said, “Luke, I am your father?”
I’ll bet you knew it, but then you forgot over the years as people like me kept misquoting him as saying that, but actually what he said was, “No, I am your father.” Alert reader Rachel S. sent me a very nice email saying, you know Tom I didn’t want to stink up your lovely Leslie Nielson tribute, but you did misquote Darth Vader in it, FYI.
And she is of course correct. Kind of like how Shatner never said “Beam me up, Scotty,” it’s just the kind of thing that gets repeated enough and that’s that. I think in the Darth Vader case, you have to quote him as saying “Luke” or nobody will know what movie you’re talking about – there are lots of movies where somebody is somebody’s father. So that’s my excuse.
But I went ahead and went back and fixed it as if it never happened. Probably nobody except Rachel and I would know about it right now, if I weren’t for some reason putting up a post about it. I need an agent or an editor or whatever you call a person who hangs around and makes sure you don’t post anything silly, though that sounds like a frustrating job in my case and I’ll bet the turnover would be pretty high.
Also, after shooting my mouth off about naked airport scanners and how it’s not your airplane and you don’t have to ride it, and also after telling several thousand people who were fired up about it that they were being dramatic, I went ahead and checked with a couple of attorneys, who informed me that there’s strong possibility that’s really an illegal search going on there.
Huh. Research legal stuff with attorneys before cracking wise about it – I’m making a note about that. It doesn’t change the fact that I think those folks are being dramatic – I do think that – but if it really is a Constitutional violation, then have at it, I guess.
But you know, when I accuse you of being dramatic and your response is something like, “I’m not being dramatic I just don’t want my children to be molested by pedophiles AT THE AIRPORT!”, and to then drag out an actual soap box and get up on it solemnly reciting Thomas Jefferson quotes with ominous drums in the background, well, let’s just say that’s not a very convincing argument against your own melodrama.
All I was saying was, search everybody equally. It really seems to me like it’s okay with average white mommy if you drag anybody brown out of line and frisk them like they’re being arrested, but right when you do it to them, suddenly it’s time to break out the Jefferson quotes.
And yes, it’s still okay with me if you want to search me for bombs or even look at naked pictures of me as I’m walking through the airport scanner. You can even print off a copy and take it home with you – knock yourself out, nut. What am I worried about, that it’s going to find its way to the Internet and catch on like wildfire?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get something to catch on, Internet-wise? If I thought a naked picture of my bombless body would do the trick, you can bet your ass you’d be looking at one right now.
But the attorneys I spoke to are pretty surprised no one has filed a lawsuit yet. Pretty soon, someone will, and we can all put this behind us. But I’ve seen the patdowns on the news and spoken to dozens of people who experienced them firsthand, and I can tell you this: comparing them to child molestation or rape is a very definitely dramatic, and it’s also an insult to anyone who has actually endured such a horrific crime.
But just because you’re being dramatic doesn’t mean you don’t have a point – I’m sorry, Patriotic, Civic-Minded Air Travelers. You were right and I was being antagonistic for no reason.
Onward to my pal Shawn, who wants me to reiterate that the microbes found in the California lake I spoke of yesterday are definitely a big deal, which yes, I know they are. I just think the next time NASA says they have a big announcement, they need to say “AND IT’S NOT ALIENS!”
Of course, I guess then, no one will ever find out what they’re talking about, except a bunch of smart people like Shawn. But Shawn’s a decent guy – he’ll summarize it for me, if something like that happens, and then I’ll summarize his gargantuan words here, in Translated Smaller Word Blog Form.
The system works!
And alert overseas reader Ecossie Possie (probably not his real name, just a guess) wanted to point out that, regarding my racially charged Hobbit post, most albinos are from Africa, and therefore there may have been Zulu warriors who were white. A good point, but I’m not an albino either, I’m a regular old caucasion dude from Ohio.
It’s like, hey man, what do all white people look the same to you? That’s racially charged, man – you’re reading the right post!
But anyway, African albinos aside, I’m still not a good extra Zulu warrior for your Zulu movie – and I’m absosmurfly positive that there weren’t any albino Mongolians.
All right then, that’s a post right there. A post about previous posts, like the clip episodes of sitcoms, where Laverne and Shirley get locked in a bank vault or something and spend the time remembering hilarity from past episodes. Contractually, I think I can do that about twice a month, and if you’re as alert as Shawn and Rachel S. and Ecossie Possie, then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about when I do.
UPDATE: Within one half hour of this post, Shawn texted me to let me know that there’s a really well known albino kind of tribe in Mongolia. He knows their name – it’s in my phone, but my phone’s way over there – and they are a real bunch of albino Monogolian human beings, and so yeah. Sorry about that, too. I’m still not an albino so it doesn’t matter, and anyway absosmurfly doesn’t mean anything.