I’m looking at the newspaper today here in Columbus, Ohio and I’m seeing that a guy was found shot dead on the west side, a guy stabbed his wife and two kids, another guy out near Dayton shot his brother then himself in an ironic and thoroughly wrong-headed argument about Thanksgiving food, and a guy on the OSU campus had a knife thrown at him, like I guess by a pirate or a ninja or something, right there on High Street.
All I can think is, guys, I get pretty worked up around the holidays, too. I get that freaky, pulsating Dad vein on my forehead, I stomp around, I clumsily try to avoid swearing and end up swearing very clumsily instead. I know what it’s like to freak out, I’m not here to judge you.
I’m just telling you, I know what it’s like to lose it, and folks who know me well will tell you, I can be a bit of a jerk. Sure. But I’ve never, literally never shot or stabbed anyone. Not even once, not even a mime.
I wish it was a secret I could bestow upon everyone, how to avoid shooting or stabbing someone, but it’s not like a new kind of meditation or anything. A good tip might be, if you’re feeling like it might be a hard promise to keep to yourself, don’t get a gun. Sure, just don’t buy one.
Like if you’re trying to quit smoking, you don’t buy a carton of cigarettes and leave them in your closet just in case you change your mind. If you find yourself, upon getting angry, even thinking about your gun, let alone getting it out and calling it by a girl’s name and refering to yourself as the Angel of Death, then listen. Just get rid of that damn thing in a more relaxed mood.
Go on, it’s okay. That goes for throwing knives, too. I mean, who the hell throws a knife and sticks it right out of a guy’s face like he’s made of wood? Here’s the article – just look at this guy.
I just can’t see what the problem could have possibly been, to warrant a throwing knife attack. What does this guy, keep a knife in his boot at all times? In case he gets captured, or what?
And the Thanksgiving story, about the guy shooting his brother then himself – these guys were adults. I’ll bet there were some indications in their lives, leading up to this story, indications that one or both of them might be prone to getting a little trigger happy. Probably also some territorial issues between the two, which I’ll bet you might have been able to pick up on sometime in their teens.
And I don’t want to blame the bystanders or be disrespectful or anything, but you know, maybe a bigger turkey might have been in order, if these two guys were that serious about it. Perhaps cornish hens – everybody gets his own little bird and then there’s no argument. And very generally, when there’s no argument, nobody Shoots Anybody, Self, as the headlines tend to read.
At my mom’s house, the rules are quite clear on this. We have to check in our guns and crossbows and throwing knives at the front door and we don’t get them back until we’re in our cars at the end of the driveway. My oldest niece is some kind of gymnastics ninja girl, so she can kill us all with her bare hands, and the answer there is, she has to keep her shoelaces tied together and wear a blindfold.
Works like a charm. So far, we are snapping down something like forty years of Thanksgiving dinners without a single gunfight and no murders or even hospitalizations. The was one knife fight but that was a monkey with knives taped to his hands – he stuck one of ’em in an electrical outlet and then went berzerk, screechin’ and stabbin’ and stabbin’ and screeching.
The eighties were a wild time, man. I sure miss that crazy little mystery-solving monkey. I think my Uncle Bill eventually shot him in a card game.
Anyway, there’s a National Day For Pretty Much Everything Else, so I think there should be a National Don’t Stab Or Shoot Anyone Day. I’m not sure how much it would affect me, since I don’t do either of those things anyway, but I’d sure enjoy the newspaper more the next day.
I’m even willing to work with you if you freak out and for example, decide to beat someone to death with the old frozen-turkey-in-a-pillow-case. That’s not stabbing or shooting, and so see, you’re good. I think it still goes against the spirit of National Don’t Stab Or Shoot Anyone Day, but I’m thinking, baby steps. Don’t get greedy.
One day, that’s all I’m asking. What’s the official process on this sort of thing? How do I get this ball rolling?