A World Without Charlie Sheen

25 Nov

I don’t watch Two and a Half Men – there’s an awful lot I can watch on television but I draw the line at laugh tracks.  Fortunately, I don’t need to watch his show – his antics in real life are keeping me thoroughly entertained.

Sometimes it’s not cool at all – allegations of domestic violence, for example – not cool.  But other times he’s busting up a hotel room and frightening the porn star/escort in his company, and then subsequently suing her – that’s really a matter of perspective, whether or not you think that’s cool.  If I had to make the determination right now, I’d have to say cool.

My reasoning there is that he’s so clearly not ashamed.  It’s not like he’s a married Senator who has to walk around looking at his feet now, and waiting six months to write a book about it, those poor guys.  Trashing a hotel room is a very Bad Boy Celebrity thing to do, and that’s exactly the sort of thing he’s been reveling in for about twenty-five years.

You know, all I can think is, if we want Charlie Sheen to change his ways, we probably ought to quit jacking his income up by millions of dollars every single year, for doing exactly what he’s doing.  I don’t think the solid gold house and the rocket car and the extremely generous porn star/escort budget are settling him down, you know?

For example, last year his car was mysteriously driven off a cliff, which is undeniably cool.  Not something that happens to people very often, but it sure happened to Charlie Sheen, and he didn’t even seem very surprised, did he? 

Wouldn’t you love to know the actual series of events leading up to that?  Unfortunately, it’s not really any of our business, is it?

Charlie’s answer is, somebody must have stolen it.  Out of his walled community.  And then rolled it down a cliff.  That’s the kind of criminal enterprise that’s sweeping the country right now, since there’s so much money in Very Brief Grand Theft Auto Followed By Pointless Destruction Of Said Auto.

It’s a crazy world!

By far the most entertaining thing about Charlie Sheen is how everybody keeps getting shocked by him.  He’s made it pretty clear, he likes to get his drink on and hang out with porn stars and no, he’s not sorry.  Asked recently about the $150,000 watch he lost on the night he trashed the hotel room, he sort of shrugged and said, “Well, you know, if you’re going to have expensive tastes, you’re going to have expensive losses.”

I love in that one how he’s baffled by everyone, walking around like all he did was pour a drink on someone and then sing karaoke with a lampshade on his head.  Can’t a guy have one bad night?  Well, maybe one bad night every couple of months?

In fact, if you’re Charlie Sheen, sure you can.  You just need an attorney budget similar to your porn star/escort budget, and buddy, he’s got it.

Charlie Sheen is in a pretty solid position.  His show is geared toward divorced men, and also possibly women whose sons are divorced men, and possibly married men who wish they were divorced.  And children, I suppose, children whose parents aren’t too into message management.

See how that’s a solid group of people who don’t care what Charlie Sheen gets into, as long as he survives it with a grin on his face?  A group of people delighted to hear about his porn star escort. 

What a nice world that’s got to be.  Charlie Sheen doesn’t have to try to convince you with a straight face that he didn’t inhale.  Oh, he inhaled all right.  He’s going to inhale again tonight, if he feels like it.  Maybe even tomorrow, on his way to the bank.

Now he’s about to take the porn star to court, and see, that’s exactly the kind of hilarious Night Court-type of scenario that I find so entertaining.  I mean, I don’t care whether he wins or loses and I doubt Charlie Sheen does either.  It’s just funny to be so unapologetic about the whole thing.

Oh, did I trash your hotel room?  Sorry about that, I’m sure he said, reaching into the pocket of his bathrobe for his cash loaf.  Here you go, Stretch.

Charlie Sheen’s attitude is, if you don’t like his show, don’t watch it.  And if you don’t like how he treats his hotel rooms then steer clear of him once he’s checked in.  And for a wide variety of reasons, it doesn’t sound like you ought to marry him, under any circumstances, and I’ll bet he’d tell you that, too.

I don’t think I want to live in a world without Charlie Sheen out there, wreckin’ it nice and crazy for the rest of us squares.  It makes me feel inspired, like those guys who keep trying to kayak across the ocean and the dude who can hold his breath underwater for a half an hour.

And since I don’t watch his show, and Men At Work is so poorly circulated, when else am I going to catch him on the television?


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