Good news, everyone! The space-time cloak is on the way. Just read this utterly baffling article about it, in which Possibly Mad Scientist Martin McCall tells us all about how he has “extended the concept of invisibility to a cloak also capable of hiding events both in time and space.”
Which is pretty cool – I had no idea we had invisibility technology so thoroughly hammered out that it was time to start branching off. Well, I guess it’s the kind of thing that if someone walks by using it, you naturally don’t notice.
I’m thinking, sir,I know you thought that you were dumbing this concept down for us, but that wasn’t quite how it seemed on my end, as I was reading the article. In fact, the closest I came to understanding what you were talking about was when my entire face dropped out of space-time, clonking against my keyboard where I lay there knocked-out for several hours.
That’s why I’m posting so late, see.
So I said screw it, and I picked up the phone and gave the guy a call, told him listen, I don’t know what the hell you are talking about, so why don’t you just go ahead and send me one of those space-time cloaks so I can see it first hand, give the people a layman’s perspective.
Instantly he starts running a line of bullshit about it, like his excuses are going to do me any good. I told him, I don’t want to hear about what’s theoretical and what’s not, and I don’t need security clearance – I’m a blogger and a Notary Public. Just get your thumb out of your butt and send me my space-time cloak.
Evidently it’s not finished yet, it’s still on the drawing board, but I’m not that stupid. I said dude, when you get it finished, just send it to me back in time. If it exists outside of time and space, then that should be no problem, and I was right. He hung up and one microsecond later, my doorbell rang, and there was the rather shaken-up FedEx guy, blinking down at the package in his hands, looking like he was about to cry.
I let him in and had to give him a candy bar, because he was so freaked out. His name turned out to be Maurice and when I explained to him that he had simply ridden the temporal wake of a package that was internally cloaked from space and time, he said, “Ohhhhhhhhh. I gotcha.”
And we had a couple of laughs about it.
In fact, once I ripped open the box and put on my new space-time cloak, I had him film this nine-hour video of me sitting in my favorite chair watching a Burn Notice marathon:
See? It works. That’s why you can’t see me in the chair, and it’s also why the nine-hour video appears to be a single moment frozen in time. You should have seen Maurice’s face – that’s the kind of thing that’ll flat rattle some folks.
Yes, and don’t worry about that website that appears to be written on my wall – you know how kids are. And it’s not like I would sit here lying to you about space-time cloaks or telephone calls with British scientists or what my living room looks like, so just quit being so paranoid.
Anyhoo, the first thing I started thinking about was stealing the Hope Diamond, and that’s really the problem with this thing. Does this guy work for Imperial College London like the article says, or the freaking Legion of Doom? It seems pretty obvious that the cloak’s only practical application is super villainy.
I mean, I’m glad to know the scientific community is keeping busy, working on skull-boilingly lunatic ideas like this one right here, since they’ve been ignoring my repeated requests over the years to get to work on the Microfreeze.
I’m not trying to irritate any scientists or anything, it’s just that we can heat up a bowl of soup in sixty seconds, but when you’ve got a six pack of beer at room temperature, you’re sitting there bouncing a tennis ball against the wall for an hour, waiting on refrigerator technology from 1952.
I’ve been thinking for quite a while that the scientific community has been slacking on the Microfreeze, but I never realized how otherwise occupied they were, designing bank robbery suits for the Riddler. After this, maybe take a crack at mind control helmets, or lunar-mounted gamma ray cannons – why not?
Stay classy, physicists, you bunch of jerks. How many times do we have to turn your new, experimental energy sources and quantum-level insights into horrific monsters and gargantuan bombs before you stop sharing with us every single wacky idea that crosses your minds?