The Pedophile’s Guide To Shutting The Hell Up

18 Nov

You know, normally, when someone protests a book or a movie, it really gets on my nerves, because first of all, you don’t have to read or watch it if it’s not your cup of tea, and also because protesting something usually equals advertising for it.  And frequently, it’s just obnoxious and shrill.

But this isn’t a men’s magazine cover with the cast of Glee on it, it’s that unbelievable book called The Pedophile’s Guide to Something Or Other – I don’t know, my mind blocked it out like a Lovecraftian monster and frankly, I don’t want it back.

Fortunately I don’t need it back, since fellow writer, old-school romantic, and all-around awesome person Kimberly Kinrade has already covered this topic thoroughly.  Just go check out her blog and read for yourself.  All I’m going to do here is cheer for her – it’s easier that way, you know.

Kimberly is one of the people who led the charge against Amazon last week.  Digitally speaking, she was mad as hell, and she wasn’t going to take it anymore, and she was most certainly not alone.  A small army arose and within days, Amazon – after first apparently defending the book on the grounds of free speech or something – came to its senses and removed it.

Sure, it’s likely that without the uproar, not very many people would have heard of the book, but you know who would have?  Anyone who searched Amazon for a pedophile manual, that’s who.  And the rest of us wouldn’t have known they were searching for it, or that they had found one – a real book that’s all about how to minimize jail sentences and avoid getting caught, if you’re a pedophile.

Of course, there were voices of dissent – it’s free speech, after all, right?  Well, I don’t know – I’m not a lawyer.  And I don’t care, either, because I’m still not a lawyer.

The main thing is, it’s like when the Klan exercises its right to assembly. Sure, they have the right to do that, but like I said before, anyone wants to roll in there and beat the living crap out of them for it, well I’m not going to stand up and fight for the white supremacists. I’d have a weird blind spot suddenly, and probably a nice comfy chair with a solid view.

As for free speech, there’s a big difference between speaking and being distributed on Amazon. The Constitution does not guarantee us all the right to distribute whatever we say on Amazon. It might be Amazon’s policy to distribute all forms of books, but policies change. It’s easy. Just add – “except pedophilia manuals” and call for a shareholder vote.

This guy wants to stand on the street corner reading his oozing blister of a book aloud, then I’ll bet he’s within his rights, and I’d be all for him, since it would most likely get him a savage beating.  Free speech is awesome when you’re in backhand range. 

I do worry slightly about all the free publicity the book received – and so does Kimberly.  A lot of pedophiles got to hear about an instruction manual they didn’t know existed before. 

And the word is, only a single copy had been sold before the controversy, then a lot of them were sold to journalists who were covering the controversy.  Well, you know the cool thing here is, let’s just take a look at the current list of buyers, then let’s cross off anyone who’s a journalist, then let’s hand the remaining names to Dexter.  Tell him to have a blast – I’m about one third serious here. 

I mean sure, from a strictly intellectual perspective, I can almost get my mind around the idea that this guy has the right to produce and distribute his horrific book, and that people have the right to buy it.  Almost.

It’s just that I don’t go around being intellectual about everything. If you attempt to harm one of my children, for example, you are not likely to get an intellectual response from me.

So even if this disgusting creature’s book is protected by free speech, I say so what? Look the other way, Constitution, we’re going to slap down this loudmouthed pedophile real quick, and I mean it.

Is it a slippery slope? I don’t care. Where do I draw the line? Well, apparently at pedophilia – call me crazy.

I understand that Amazon doesn’t want to start a precedent for removing books that offend people, but again, even a robot or a Vulcan could look at this coldly and without emotion and see the clear and present danger of it. It’s not about being offended.

Imagine the book was called The Terrorist’s Guide To Beating Airport Security – I have to think the feds show up and toss the guy in a cell.

Do pedophiles have the right to free speech?  Well, I suppose so, just like anyone else.  But grabbing a pedophile by the scruff of the neck and screaming “SHUT THE HELL UP!” at him – I’m going to go ahead and count that as free speech, too.


Later, calmer:  Amazon and the Ghost of Thomas Jefferson


Posted by on November 18, 2010 in Future Tom Grab Bag, News/Commentary


Tags: , , , , , , ,

7 responses to “The Pedophile’s Guide To Shutting The Hell Up

  1. Kimberly Kinrade

    November 18, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    Even if I wasn’t featured in this post, I’d LOVE it. Thanks for joining the cause of making people aware. I too am not a ‘let’s jump on the bandwagon and ban a book’ kind of person. Turns out pedophelia is my line too. What a coinicidink!

    Read a really disturbing quote on that “tellingdad” blog I sent you. This pedophile author talking about how penetration isn’t ok, but kissing and touching is fine. (just threw up in my mouth and now want to beat the living hell out of this guy right now) OK, there, now you know. Well, you already knew, but now you know even more than you wanted to about how sick and twisted this book and this guy are.

    I’m still boycotting Amazon. This may be forever. Apparently they are “evaluating” the book and it’s not totally removed yet. WTF? So, yeah. They are on my serious SH$T list now and likely forever.

    Fortunately, it turns out Barnes &Noble ( gives awesome discounts, AND their best Nook (of which they have 3 options for the savvy shopper) is in COLOR, with MUSIC and 2 million books, including interactive books for kids and mags and newspapers. I think you can also get your favorite blogs on it. *oh yes, Mr. Tom, you are at the top of that list*

    I know this is totally outside the purview of this this post, but I was in love with my Kindle. And was mourning its retirement. So, the Nook is a godsend to me!

    Take that AMAZON.COM!

    And take that creepy pedophiles everywhere.

    Honestly, ANYONE touches my kids, or even THINKS about touching my kids, they will get violent angry momma bear with big ‘ol claws like REAL Fast. I used to be a martial artists. They will see this side of me. And it will be the last thing they ever see.

    Rational? Well, depends. Is it rational to protect the next generation of society from creeps and sickos looking to harm them and destroy them? Yeah, that sounds rational to me.

    Also, I’d do the same for your kids, were I in the vicinity to do so. It’s just more likely I’m there to inflict damage on behalf of my kids since they insist on living with me and being next to me at all times when they are not in school/preschool. *wouldn’t have it any other way*

    So, Rock On fellow romantic, writer, blogger and parent of awesomeness. Am so enjoying your posts!

  2. ecossie possie

    November 19, 2010 at 2:01 am

    An Amozan is a warrior woman.Id like to see a tribe of them emerge from the jungle an kick thease booksellers asses for pedelling filth an child porn in there name…

  3. ecossie possie

    November 19, 2010 at 2:04 am

    Oops make that Amazon Warrior Women.

  4. sparrow1969

    November 19, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Well said Tom, and Kimberly too.

    I’m a little behind what’s been going on due to work and what not, so I’m playing catch up. Still, the instant I heard this, I was so completely astonished that Amazon didn’t have the common sense to tell this guy to stick his book in his ear, and then had the balls to defend it, that I just about fell out of my chair.

    What the hell?!

    I’m off to go give them a piece of my mind, for what it’s worth.


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