I don’t mean Beastie Boys-style ill, though I admit that would make a lot more sense.
No, I am refering to the fact that now I have a big, serious face cold, the kind that swells up your sinuses so you can’t breathe through your nose, but there’s nothing you can do about it. When you try to blow your nose nothing happens, nothing is blocking anything in there, nothing that’s coming out.
And the good news is, I sort of like to be sick on a Sunday because I can actually cancel the whole day and lie around watching monster movies and eating soup.
But it’s horrible news because it just started coming on last night, when I was at the Courtney house for fried chicken, and now I’ll bet they get sick, too, because I got up and said, “Eww, I’m getting all gross here, I’d better go.”
So now they’re sitting around knowing they’re going to get sick and thinking, damn that Tom. And then later when they actually are sick, they’ll be going, we should have never invited Tommy C over for fried chicken – that’s like my worst most horrifying nightmare.
And now that I’m blogging about it they’re going to think about it even if it hadn’t occurred to them already. They’ll think, that mother scratcher’s right, he just came over here and dropped off a six pack of snooty beer and then he got us all sick and ate our fried chicken and jalepeno pretzel poppers and then he left.
I’m sorry Courtneys.
But now I’m on the couch and I’m watching Chrissy’s favorite show which is called Sanctuary. It’s about a group of people who run a sanctuary for Abnormals, which are like mutants or monsters or vampires or anything else you can think of. In this show, there are monsters all over the place.
For example, right now there’s a giant sea spider that’s about the size of four football stadiums. It was way deep in the water, but then these military guys started diving down there and screwing around with it or something, and also it’s appearing as a super hot Hallucination Princess in one of the team member’s afterlife experience. She’s apparently some sort of goddess who is walking the Earth (or swimming it, usually) in the form of a Spider of Really Unusual Size.
That’s the kind of show I can get behind. The military just tried dropping a bunch of depth charges around it, but that made it mad, and so it climbed up onto a rocky island and started glowing purple for a second and then an energy pulse erupted out of the bottom of the spider and caused a tsunami. I don’t know what to call that power other than a Seismic Energy Fart.
So okay, now they’re evacuating Mumbai, which turns out to be easier than it sounds. Some cool tsunami computer graphics without anyone actually getting killed right in front of us. Movies about giant spiders do not seem to me like they need to be all preachy about violence, you know?
And now that I’ve been watching this show for a little bit here, I remember seeing a little bit of it when it first came out. I’ll bet this main actress is sorry she signed up for the old fake British accent, because four years later it’s got to be getting old. And it’s really not that great of an accent. She’s supposed to be a couple of centuries old so that’s how they’re always portraying that in monster movies – British accents.
But the thing about this show is, they shoot a lot of it on a soundstage and they wrap the computer-generated settings around them. So the Sanctuary is for example in a giant castle bigger than Hogwarts. They can go anywhere on the planet, because they’ve apparently perfected the science of CG backgrounds.
Looks pretty good, too. I’ll watch this monster-oriented television show for twelve year-olds, no problem. Heh, Tesla’s a vampire in this. A sort of irritating vampire who thinks he’s John Malkovich – not crazy about it. Whew, some really unfortunate dialogue, too.
Ah, everybody leaves for a weird half hour or so – I pull up an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It’s a very crude show with way too much drinking in it, but I just started watching it and I love it. In this one they get trapped in an empty pool most of the time. Danny DeVito is as awesome as he always is.
Children back in room, just all of the sudden everybody from four different directions. Some money flies out of my pockets, then they’re gone again. I figure, I’m too sick to post anything on my blog today, screw this.
So I just decided to pick up the laptop and let you know what I’m doing today. I’m sick and gross and full of guilt for getting my friends sick, and full of regret for the fried chicken I might not get next time. So, I’m also selfish.