A Very Facebook Birthday

27 Oct

As you have probably heard by now, it is my birthday, and I certainly hope that you have all of your My Birthday shopping done, because the malls are going to be jam-packed.  Here in central Ohio, there is actually a Traveller’s Advisory.

And yes, some people like to wait until after My Birthday and take advantage of the After My Birthday Sales, but that’s tacky.  You know it’s tacky, and I know it’s tacky.  Come on now. 

All you have to do is send over some pancakes or fried chicken or both.  I’m pretty sure FedEx has a special shipping container for those things.  Or alternatively, you could send them by some sort of Something-O-Gram, but not a Strip-O-Gram unless it’s after ten, and to be safe, you might want to make it a dude.

Also, you know, I’ve been registered for the last two months at the Container Store and the Dress Barn (it’s my birthday, I don’t have to explain anything to you) so that you could avoid the big last minute snarl, but if you’ve procrastinated this long then there is nothing I can do for you.  Sack up.

Digitally, it’s my first Facebook birthday, so I was really looking forward to everybody saying Happy Birthday to me on my wall.  It was every bit as exciting as I hoped it would be, and in fact I spent several hours going through and thanking everybody one at a time.  I found myself thinking about how I go about it, when it’s someone else’s birthday – do I post a general Happy Birthday, or do I try to come up with something personal and specific?

That was a new thing for me, thinking about other people.  Did you know that there are all kinds of other people out there besides me?  I started to wonder if I’d ever said Happy Birthday to anyone at all.  Do my children have birthdays?  It seems like they probably do.

That made me wonder if every single one of my Facebook friends was going to say happy birthday to me, or if some of them were going to sort of fade, you know like when you’re in a middle school choir concert and a solid one half of your fellow classmates are not singing?

Like the Dalai Lama.  He’s supposed to be my Facebook Friend, but he hasn’t said a WORD.  Some friend.  I know he’s at One with everything, but it takes TWO of us for me to be wished a Happy Birthday by you.  It’s not like I’m China, dude – quit being so negative.

Then I also started wondering – do some people have an automated Facebook program that just goes around dropping a generic birthday greeting on whoever’s birthday page it is?  Somehow that wouldn’t be as meaningful to me as it is when you click the prompt on your homepage and type it out with buttons.  If I find out folks were doing that I’m going to click on my webcam while I weep about it and pound on my desk, then I’m going to post the video on your Facebook page.  Feel my wrath!

Also a Wife Problem develops:  These are all women, practically, every single one of them!  Who are all these women?  Like there’s a bunch of dudes hanging around on Facebook – give me a break.

Fortunately, the Wife’s not too Facebook literate.  I just said, no, sweetheart those are transvestites, it’s cool.  She squints at the screen.  All right then, she says.  This from a woman who keeps running off to South America like Mark Sanford, and who switched her relationship status from married to “In An Open Relationship” when she was pissed at me four months ago, and never switched it back.

I was sitting in bar when she did that, which I think is what she was pissed about.  I clicked “like,” having no idea there was any kind of problem – really I think I had forgotten my name and where I lived and who my wife was in the first place.  But you can bet your ass I didn’t screw around with my own relationship status.

Facebook is good for making you feel like you are having a big party when you are really sitting there by yourself in workout pants stalling until there’s no more time to workout, especially if you are wearing one of those beer hats with two straws and listening to the Animal House soundtrack.

What I tried to do this year was focus not on the joy and well-wishing from everyone, but instead on the bitterness and spite – that’s kind of my thing.  I was bitter because, here in the real world, what had my own family given me?  Love and presents and adoration and a steak dinner?  Well, sure.  They’re awesome, and I suck – are you happy now?

Well, I am.  Thanks everybody for the birthday wishes, unless you didn’t send any.  And if you didn’t there’s still time.

PS – Popeye’s doesn’t count as fried chicken.  Popeye’s a cartoon, don’t be silly.


Posted by on October 27, 2010 in Fried Chicken, Phoning It In


6 responses to “A Very Facebook Birthday

  1. ecossie possie

    October 28, 2010 at 12:04 am

    Many Happy Returns .If youd waited a few more days couldve poped out on Halloween an then everyone could party on your birthday,Happy Birthday……

    • thomaschalfant

      October 28, 2010 at 12:17 am

      Thank you ecossie possie good to see you again. Hey have you seen the new Holmes show over there?

  2. ecossie possie

    October 28, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    What sherlock Holmes?Dont think so.I did watch the first two episodes of the Event I dont think there aliens however.More likely to be from the future I M O.

    • thomaschalfant

      October 28, 2010 at 7:54 pm

      It’s set in 2010 and I think Stephen Moffat of Doctor Who writing acclaim wrote it or produced it or both. Here’s a link to it – and yes, I’m pretty sure they’re time travelers, too – that’s how they were able to get the plane, because it became a matter of history right when it crashed, so they could come back in time and stop it, since they’d see in their history books where it happened. The survivors, being super top secret, could not be found from the future. That’s why they haven’t been rescued!

      Anyway. Sherlock Holmes link is here:

  3. Helen

    October 28, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Happy Birthday!

  4. Adele Dill

    October 28, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    You’re one class act, Tom, diligently responding to all of your well-wishers. And “They” as in the know-it-alls at FaceBook, keep us duly updated on such important events like your birthday. Sorry to admit that I am way behind in my reading–going to blame it on my Aunt Bea’s (my one trusted confidant in life—tell her something & she NEVER passed it on, even when you wanted her to) sudden death. She really should have warned me & I do hope she’s out there in the universe laughing at me as I write this. She always felt that she didn’t have a good enough sense of humor & wished she could be sillier. I’m recommending that she look at your writing when she gets a chance. Anyhow, we did catch the new Sherlock Holmes–quite an ADHD sort of guy, among other things. Liked the episode, the blending of the original into a modern day take on the character, and hope to like the rest of them. Have yet to watch more than a few minutes of “The Event”—damn those “Lost” writers! Same could be said for “Jericho,” “Everwood” and quite a few others. Just don’t want to get hooked again. And as for your gracious thank yous, I hope the adults of your childhood are proud of what they accomplished. They done well : )


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