A Bunch Of Guardian Angels Drop The Ball

19 Oct

A bunch of Chinese miners got killed the other day.  Their mine collapsed on them.  And the weird thing is, no Guardian Angel Butterflies guided them to safety.

Yes, it’s probably because they are not Christian in China – Guardian Angel Butterflies are very selective about who they guide to safety.  They have a lot to do, and they have to make some tough choices.  The Chilean miners were about as Catholic as you get, so sure, absolutely, right out of the spirit world and into the collapsing mine came the Guardian Butterfly Angel Unit.

I don’t know, I think that was a weird choice of incarnations for that particular Guardian Angel to take.  I think if I were trying to save a bunch of Chilean miners a half mile under the ground, I would have gone with the old Guardian Angel Giant Worm From Dune form.  An industrial-sized can of Guardian Angel Asskickery.

I remember another batch of miners got stuck in a collapsing mine in America about ten years ago, and this particular mine was filling up with water.  That’s a sort of worst case scenario, on the miner circuit.  Anyway, these seven miners were sitting there in a cave filling up with water, and a lunch box floated by with a sandwich in it.  They each got to take a bite, and that staved off starvation.

Instantly, they capitalized the sandwich.  It was a Sandwich From God.  A Guardian Angel Sandwich.  Now that is a glass-half-full attitude that I’m not sure I have the awesomeness to adopt in that situation.

I’d think, man, if you’re God, or a guardian angel, and you can affect things here on Earth so specifically that you made a sandwich float past here, then maybe you could just make a shaft blast out into the sky so the guys could escape.  Or at least, you could have sent more sandwiches.

Then when it turns out a priest has been sexually assaulting altar boys, and that he’s not the only one, and it turns out it’s been going on for years, and they knew about it at the highest level, a smartass like me sort of asks, “Why didn’t that guy burst into flames or something for committing such horrible atrocities right there in the House of God?”

Well, because He wants us to have free will.  So, yeah – He can’t go around meddling in the affairs of men.  That’s what free will is all about.  Also, He moves in mysterious ways.  Anytime He doesn’t seem to be making sense, that’s just you not getting it.

Of course, the whole free will thing doesn’t apply to trapped miners.  There’s a Guardian Angel Butterfly Clause, and a Mystical Floating Sandwich Box Clause – it’s cool to intervene in those particular ways.  Mysterious indeed.

I liked Zeus’s policy, man.  He’d just show up, knock up your wife, turn into a goat or something and tap dance on your table.  Then send down a bunch of gargantuan monsters to bust up your city.  Nothing mysterious about that – I am the King Of The World!

Zeus moved in blunt and obvious ways – that’s the kind of thing gets my attention, you know?

He’d send someone to look out for you and it’d be some demigod or something, who would say, “Hey, what’s up.  Zeus sent me, don’t even worry about this, I got it.  Here, have some smoked salmon and a beer.”

Of course Zeus was under a lot of pressure.  When there are a lot of Gods, you have competition.  Folks could worship Whomever The Frank They Want, back then.  Zeus had to be on the ball, keep jumping that shark.

People really like to believe that invisible forces saved them from stuff.  Have you ever heard a guy talk about missing a plane which then crashed?  The Good Lord was sure looking out for him, wasn’t he?

But what exactly was the Good Lord’s problem with all those other folks?  I know they couldn’t have ALL missed the flight, but it seems like if he was going to take the time to ensure that Kevin Anderson missed the flight so he could continue selling life insurance and playing golf, well it might have been easier to just show up and save the whole plane.

Cheaper, too.  Think about the shareholders.

Really, I’m about one third serious here.  What would you think of a fireman who went into a burning house and arbitrarily saved one kid and one cat, and let three dogs and five kids die?  I’m talking about a fireman who had plenty of time to save them all – just like Magic Guardian Angel Butterflies I imagine have all kinds of time.

What if he sat there in the grass while a crowd of people congratulated him for his heroic rescue of one kid and one cat, while children screamed in the windows?  Wouldn’t you get just a little bit cheesed off at the guy?

Especially if he just shrugged, and told you he works in mysterious ways.


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