If you don’t know who Sam Axe is, then you have about four seasons of Burn Notice to catch up on. And if you don’t know who Bruce Campbell is, then you have about twenty-five years of awesomeness to catch up on – I kind of envy you. Get on Netflix and get busy, I’ll wait right here.
Okay, you see what I mean? See, earlier I was thinking, which television character would I be if I could change into him? That’s what I decided – Sam Axe from Burn Notice.
You might have guessed the football dude from Glee who gets to go out with Rachel. And yes, to be sure, I thought about it long and hard. But Rachel, upon closer inspection, would be a mind-numbing pain in the ass for any longer than an hour a week. Eventually, that football player would grow frustrated and then he would start drinking, and then spiral out of control, float around a half-assed Bachelor of the Arts program at a state university, and wind up blogging all the time, reeking of whiskey and slurring a lot.
Plus, I can’t sing or dance. I have to think that would be an issue with Rachel.
So no Glee. And I would maybe lean more toward The Doctor from Doctor Who but some really gross stuff happens to that guy, and also he lives a long time, but he sort of dies on a pretty regular basis, turns into someone else. I’m a little too self-involved to let myself turn into some other self. My head would blow up.
So then maybe you’re thinking, since you’ve obviously seen and enjoyed every show that I have to the exact same degree, that I’d be Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood. Certainly that would be my choice if you said I had to pick a non-straight character.
But a lot of gross stuff happens to Jack, also, and he’s immortal but he can feel pain. So screw things up just right, and some evil alien dude could lock you up and inflict intense agony upon you for a million years, and you’d never die. I do stupid things all the time – you know that’s where I’d end up.
So, maybe the Marshall from Justified? Yes, good question, I thought of that myself. But a lot of work. And a raft of crap the higher-ups are always floating him – I don’t think I have the patience for it.
It’s got to be a fictional character, so no, I can’t turn into Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. And it’s got to be a dude, or obviously I’d turn into Juliet from LOST. And I don’t think I’d necessarily have to remain a white guy – might switch to Senior Chang from Community if that were cool – but again, I want to enjoy myself, not hilariously parody anything. That whole show is out.
So yes, I settled on Burn Notice. First I thought, well obviously I should be Michael Weston, since he’s a badass and also Fiona’s his girlfriend. I’d lock that relationship down a little better than he has is my thinking, but that’s just the problem. Fiona would get bored of my puppy dog crap lickety split. And also, Michael rarely drinks and he eats a lot of yogurt.
I hate yogurt. Edible slime – just call it what it is.
But Sam Axe. He’s a former Navy Seal, and that’s exactly what I’d be if I could pick out something to formerly be. I’d like to download that sort of training into myself like in The Matrix as opposed to actually experiencing it, so turning into Sam Axe from Burn Notice would be perfect. I’d just already be trained.
And Sam and I share similar interests. I like to hang around dudes who are tougher than me, for instance, to cut down on bar fights. And I like to drink mojitos and sit around in floral print shirts and I don’t care what time it is, either. And if I were a single, Miami barfly, I’d probably like hanging around with wealthy heiresses and whatnot – I don’t know what I was thinking in my twenties, I really blew it.
Sam’s never bored because of his pal Michael, and he’s never going to get hurt too bad, because of Michael, and he always does good things for people because of Michael, but nobody is ever looking to kill him, the way they are always trying to kill Michael.
Sam Axe also gets to bullshit people a lot, claim he’s from the City Engineer’s Office or the phone company or whatever. That’s my favorite kind of thing to do, and I bet I’d be a lot better at it if I was Sam Axe.
I’m also thinking that late at night, when everyone else is asleep, I could dress up as Ash from Army of Darkness, put a chainsaw on my hand and go out and pick up chicks. Give me some sugar, baby – I bet he runs that play every single night.
So that’s my decision. What about you – anyone from television, who would you be?