But We’re Cool, Right Guatemala?

01 Oct

Hey, Guatemala, how’s it going man? 

Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you – that’s why I came in, I was looking for you.  

Listen, it’s about that research study that sort of came to light recently, you know, with regards to um, well some stuff some guys from our country did.  Some medical stuff that some of our guys got a little carried away on – you know what I’m talking about, am I right? 

Yeah, you heard all about it, I can tell by the look on your face.  And I know you’re probably all like, America, Dude, that was sixty years ago – water under the bridge.  Don’t even worry about it.

But it’s just SO not cool, I felt like I should talk to you about it, eyeball to eyeball and so.  Yeah.  Here I am – it’s good to see you again you crazy son of a bitch!  You’re looking good – been working out or what?

Hang on a second – what is that a Dos Equis?

Hey barkeep?  Let me get two more of these – I owe Guatemala here a brewdog, you know what I’m saying? 

Yeah, man, I don’t know whose idea it was to infect a bunch of your citizens with STDs and then study the results.  I think it was probably one of those slippery slope type things you know?  Maybe some guys decided to visit the rain forest, and then they decided first we better go to a brothel, and then they kind of started itching and thinking and thinking and itching.

You know, like wouldn’t it be awesome if we could get a government grant for hanging around brothels?  Then it just snowballed.

Absolutely unacceptable – no doubt about it. 

Thanks darling, you want to go ahead and put this on my tab?  Yeah it’s under America, right over there – I had a plate of chicken wings earlier and it was still happy hour then, so… 

You’re the best, dollface. 

Anyhoo – have a beer, Guatamala.  It’s the least I could do.  I mean, not all of it was that big a deal, right?  Like giving the clap to a bunch of commerical sex workers – that seems to me like part of the deal anyway, you know?  When you’re already a sex worker.  Like throwing water balloons at a bunch of Olympic swimmers.  If those mad scientist sumbitches had stopped there, then I reckon we’d already be Squaresville.

But moving on to prisoners in your national penitentiary, well again – to be honest.  Not cool, but if your prisons are anything like ours, there were probably some STDs in there already.  I’d say in that regard, we were definitely paddling in the wrong direction but the boat was already in the water when we got there, you know what I mean?

Sex workers and convicted criminals – sure, we can all agree you shouldn’t be doing secret medical tests on anybody at all, wink, wink.  Absosmurfly not.  But if it turned out some of your guys got a little froggy and started throwing STDs around for the Betterment of Mankind, well you’d have to factor in that it wasn’t schoolkids. 

Just sex workers, and convicts.  And mental patients – well, yeah that’s true. 

We did infect some mental patients with syphillis and the Old Fashioned Clap and something called chancres – the forties were a wild time.  I think that’s when we set off an atomic bomb, right?  What was that a ten year whiskey bender? 


I mean, bear in mind this was back when STDs didn’t kill you.  What we were doing was testing penicillin for the Betterment of Mankind, like I keep saying.  We just didn’t tell the people we were testing it on them, and we were also the ones who gave them the burning need for a little penicillin in the first place.

You catch that one – “burning need?”  I know, I almost got beer up my nose. 

Yeah, the mental patients for sure – that was way out of line.  I mean, crazy people in Guatemalan insane asylums got enough problems.  I think we can all agree on that.

And soldiers.  You should have seen the look on my face when I heard we were infecting soldiers, too – I thought I was on one of those surprise party television shows except it wasn’t funny.  I was all like, what the hell were you thinking – I’ll tell you, I was pissed. 

I said, yo, scientists that is NOT cool.  We might intentionally infect sex workers and convicts and sure, mental patients once in a while.  I mean, progress is like a giant singing carnivorous plant – you got to FEED IT. 

But it’s not cool infecting soldiers with the clap.  That’s something soldiers should have been doing all on their own, maybe with sex workers but NOT MENTAL PATIENTS.

Hold on, I’m losing my whole train of thought here.  What was I talking about?

Oh, right.  All those human beings we experimented on in your country.  Gave a bunch of STDs and whatnot to.  That was a bunch of bullshit, dude, I’m really sorry about that. 

And you’ll be relieved to know that with the exception of doing the exact same thing to African Americans in Tuskegee, Alabama (the exact same dude, in fact, crazy sumbitch), we never got caught giving people STDs on purpose just to see what would happen, not ever again.

Yeah, and the good news is that we’ve got rules against it now.  Super Duper Strict Rules.  You can ask any greenhorn at the American STD Experimentation Institute and he’ll tell you the same thing, he’ll be like, “No way, man.  We wouldn’t never do nothing like that in a million years!”

Well, sixty years.  And then not for the million following that point, except for the Tuskegee thing, and maybe a few other incidents that might come out – there’s no way to know the future, and we got a lot of scientists over here, running around doing God knows what.  It’s not easy keeping track of ’em.

Anyways.  Feels good to come out and say it, Guatemala.


I’m sorry some of our mad scientists experimented on your sex workers and prison inmates and mental patients and soldiers. 

That was totally our bad, and it’s not going to happen again.  We pinky promise.



I mean, we’re cool now, right?

1 Comment

Posted by on October 1, 2010 in Future Tom Grab Bag, News/Commentary


One response to “But We’re Cool, Right Guatemala?

  1. Bill V

    October 2, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    I love any post that has absosmurfly and sumbitch in it.


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