Enormous Cupcakes Are Not The Answer

12 Sep

Cupcake technology barely budged an inch since its advent under the relatively short reign of ancient Egyptian Pharoah Cupcakenstein (604B.C.- 591B.C).  There probably never seemed to be a need – if it isn’t broken then you shouldn’t try to fix it.

Then came Big Top Cupcake.  Now you can make a giant cupcake the size of your head, and you can make it in the shape of a giant Smurf house if you want to.  On the one hand, it’s easily the greatest innovation since antibiotics.

On the other hand, our nation is facing an obesity epidemic.  We do so little physically that we have to pay athletic clubs to let us use their Intense Physical Labor Simulation Units.  Can you see how giant, soccer ball-sized cupcakes are not helping?

We don’t do a lot of introspection when it comes to inventions.  We figure out if we can do something, and then we start selling it. 

Like whatever option that is on people’s cell phones that has their location posted on Facebook.  Charlie Patterson has entered the same bar for the sixth time this week – Charlie why the hell do you want me to know that?  I’m getting worried about you over here.  Take it easy.

I’ll give you another example.  I saw a commercial for this, one of those commercials for a Lexus or something where some guy is so loaded that he can get his wife a Lexus for Mother’s Day, and it’s in the driveway with a ribbon on it and you’re sitting there thinking, thanks a lot, pricks.

I guess when a car costs forty thousand dollars, you don’t need to sell that many of them, so the fact that the vast majority of the people seeing the commercial are dog paddling in a rising river of Holy Crap right now, I guess that’s offset by the one in ten thousand of us who is on the market for a crazy expensive car.

Anyway, the Obnoxious Upper Class Wife who is so crazy spoiled she’s getting a forty thousand dollar present this year, well it would appear that she’s also so spoiled she doesn’t even know how to drive the thing.  The one I saw boasted a video screen and rear cameras, so she can look at what’s behind her on a monitor.

It really comes in handy in the commercial, because the nauseatingly entitled wife notices a neighborhood kid on a Big Wheel on the sidewalk behind her, using the screen and then utilizes her brakes to avoid killing him.

That’s awesome – this whole time I’ve been backing out of my driveway blind, just crossing my fingers and hoping there were no kids back there on Big Wheels, thinking  Damn it, if only there were some way I could know for sure! 

If only there were joints in my neck and spine that I could use to turn around and look, for example.  Or some sort of reflective surface mounted to the strategic positions on the vehicle.

Another luxury vehicle parallel parks itself.  You just pull up next to the parking spot, and hit the button, and then you can just sit there like a princess while your car parks itself.  Hooray for Helplessness!

Inventions which reduce the need for people to learn how to drive their cars.  Do you see how that’s not really helping, fellas?

Yes, and you’ve also probably been thinking, man, they’re being too careful with robots.  Why are robots so clumsy and obviously robotic?  What we need are robots that you can’t tell are robots.

Well good news – artificial skin is here.  As we barrel forward into our psychotic, Sci-Fi future, I frequently wonder why we always act like we’ve never seen a movie in our lives.  Don’t worry, if we make andriods with artificial skin, it’s almost completely out of the question that they’ll start killing us and replacing us with robot replicas.  Why on earth would they do that?

If they’re going to be inventing scary things out of Sci-Fi movies, might I suggest the sharktopus from a recent SyFy channel movie.  As you may have guessed, it is half shark and half octupus, which equals three times the fun.

There are all sorts of very helpful inventions which for some reason they just won’t invent, while they keep on cranking out all this crap which isn’t helping.

For example, my brother had a bit of a meltdown at my house this weekend.  Just sort of grabbed the sides of his skull and started screaming, “What’s taking so long with the Microfreeze?”

He’s right, you know.  We’ve been heating up leftovers in microwaves for decades, magic boxes that are operated like Marty McFly’s time machine.  But if you want to cool something off or freeze it into a block of ice, damn it – the same freezer they’ve been using for sixty years is still the best we’ve got?

You’re telling me we can make a cupcake the size of our heads but we can’t work out the Microfreeze?  For crying out loud, get busy!

Scientists – if you’re not going to invent something helpful then just sit there and think of more things to put a clock in, or keep on increasing the quality of frozen, oven-baked french fries (good work in the last twenty years on that, by the way.)

Sometimes I don’t even know who you guys are anymore.


6 responses to “Enormous Cupcakes Are Not The Answer

  1. katdish

    September 13, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Ah, yes…Sharktopus. I know him well.

    And I happen to have a camera on my Jeep. Don’t be a hater.

    • thomaschalfant

      September 13, 2010 at 7:39 pm

      Awww, you know I’m just jealous of your rear camera. If I had one I’d drive everywhere backward so I could use the monitor only. It would be like a cool video game!

      • katdish

        September 13, 2010 at 7:47 pm

        It totally is…because there’s the INITIAL beep, then the secondary beep. Bowing to the first beep is just playing it safe. The initial beep is strictly beginner level stuff.

  2. Helen

    September 13, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    Thank you. I thought I was the only one with a bad attitude about the Lexus commercial. I kept thinking to myself “Man of Manischewitz, if I could only conceive, then I’d have a car like that with a ribbon in my driveway… Nevermind the fact that we can’t even afford an iphone and are using prepaid cells…”

    I am glad the katdish tweeted your post. Yes. Blame her that I have found you now!

    • thomaschalfant

      September 13, 2010 at 7:53 pm

      You know there was another commercial where the guy is at work and his secretary – I guess she was his secretary – is going through his schedule with him. And it turns out he’s not going to do anything all day except for one meeeting and then he’s going to text his daughter the rest of the time. And he makes a face and shakes his head about the meeting, so she suggests cancelling it without his having to actually say “cancel that meeting.”

      So the guy with the secretary doesn’t do anything that day. And he’s got a job and a secretary. And they were airing it two years ago, just as the unemployment numbers spikes and millions were laid off across the country. I was just thinking, who on Earth thinks that’s funny?

      Anyway, I’m glad she found and tweeted the post too – welcome, welcome, welcome. Katdish is some sort of Twitter Goddess with all those followers. If she’s got a series of heroic quests in mind in exchange for tweeting my link all the time, I’m listening.


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