The Old Existential Roll Call Phone-In Trick

08 Sep

Ice cream trucks.  They still exist – the same ones, I think.  They still play the same music and they have the same pictures of ice cream products on them.   Still a working concept, riding around causing Pavlovian reactions in the neighborhood children, loaded up with impulse buys on wheels.  They’re still there, I’m happy to report.

So are pay phones, but you really have to look for them.  They don’t have them at gas stations anymore unless it’s a high crime area where the drug trade depends on them.

At least they didn’t have them at the ten different stations I checked last week, when my cell battery was out.  Finally located one in a Kroger – that’s the best place to find a coin-operated copier, too.

Speaking of coin-operated, laundramats are still out there.  I don’t know why I didn’t think they would be, but I guess I forgot about them after college, when I had a grand total of two loads of clothing to do and still got by on the vending machine detergent.

One time I left a pen in my pocket and destroyed exactly half of my entire college wardrobe, and wouldn’t you know it was the half I wore on the outside?  It’s a good thing it was one of those laundries with a bar in it, or I might have cried.

But when my dryer failed recently we hauled all of the laundry to one of them and spent about thirty bucks.  Say Ouch with me and then go down and hug your dryer.

You can still find kids who can do a Rubik’s cube, and for some reason they’re all still twelve or younger.  But you can’t find any who can do the four-layered version and certainly not the Five Spot – go ahead and look.

Evidently you can still find pork pies, though maybe this is only in England.  A guy on one of those shows where a mean lady goes in and makes two People Of Largeness stop eating all that garbage and work out instead, this guy had a pork pie habit.

A pork pie is like a little muffin with pork in it.  Looks like a Twinkie with chunky bacon grease in the middle instead of whatever that white stuff is (I actually think it’s partially lard).  Anyway, that’s a pork pie – a Twinkie but with extra porky goodness.  I’m assuming you want to have a shot of whiskey and a cigarette while you’re enjoying one of those bad boys.

This guy was holding onto his pork pie habit like it was money.  You wouldn’t believe the horrible demonstration the lady had to put on in order to demonstrate how much pork fat he was eating a year.  I’ll give you a hint – it involved a dude made of pork fat.

Shoe shine guys.  They’re out there, but they’re not plucky kids and they’re don’t keep their ears to the ground.  You want your shoes shined, this is how much it is, now shut the hell up and read the news on your phone.  Looking at you like he might hit you with his little stool.

Sometimes there’s a guy at Meiier’s where you can just drop the shoes off, and that eliminates the awkwardness, if you ask me.

Hall passes in middle school – I’d have thought tracking chips and shock collars by now but no, same system.  Same flaws in said system.  Yesterday Ellen went to Chicago and sang a song on a float.

Q-FM still exists, and judging from a few billboards I’ve seen, Wags is still a deejay.  I don’t know what to say about this.  I checked it out and it was a lot like traveling back in time to my construction job in 1990.  The same exact play list, like that guy from the Freedom Rock commercials.

Remember that used to be a big kind of commercial, compilation albums?  Hey man, is that Freedom Rock?  Well turn it up!

Not so much anymore.  Now the most common infomercial is either Special Diet Food which has to be eaten in fine print with tons of exercise and which is three times as expensive but otherwise no different from normal food, followed closely by videos of Absolutely Lunatic SuperFusion Crazy Workouts, which will extra duper definitely get you ripped as long as you do them every day, which you won’t.

And then there’s the creepy guy with the freakishly wide smile who is some kind of colon cleaning expert, followed by the gang at Extenz, God bless ’em.

Mail carriers still exist – sorry, lost my whole train of thought there – but their days are numbered.  Go ahead and talk to one of them, they’re a surly bunch.  Gone are the days of Neither Rain Nor Sleet Nor Snow Etc.  Now they say things like, this wouldn’t fit in your box so get your ass down here and pick it up before we feed it to the pigs.

And Swatches.  Saw one on a hipster at Speedway yesterday, looked good as new. 

Eight hundred words and fifty two extras – count it.

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Posted by on September 8, 2010 in Future Tom Grab Bag, Phoning It In


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