So You’ve Decided To Hang Out With Shawn

19 Aug

Well you did the right thing by picking up this informational pamphlet.  Having cocktails with Shawn is not a decision to be made lightly, and there is a lot of misinformation out there which can get in the way of the facts.  Whether you’re making a long term decision to hang out with Shawn on a regular basis, or you’re just going to wind up doing so by chance, as a one-time thing, you want to arm yourself with information so that you can be prepared.

Let’s be blunt, shall we?  This is most likely going to hurt, even though it won’t seem like it at first.  In the same manner that blasting around on a waverunner all day doesn’t seem to hurt while it’s going on, what’s going to happen is it’s going to hurt the next day.  You think you’re having fun because you are, but you are also physically assaulting yourself.  You’d do well to clear your calendar tomorrow.

Also, forget about driving.  You will not be able to drive your car tonight, since you’ve made the decision to hang out with Shawn.  And chances are, you will be ready to go home long before he is, so it’s wise to protect yourself from your Future Hammered Self, and get rid of your keys.

The best strategy – especially if you’ve selected the long term policy of hanging out with Shawn on a regular basis – is to get yourself a FedEx account.  Then, when you get to the first bar with your new pal Shawn, you can drop your keys in a FedEx envelope and overnight them to yourself for a priority AM delivery. 

This is considerably cheaper than a DUI, maybe twenty or thirty bucks.  As long as you’re out before seven or eight o’clock, you can have the FedEx guy come and pick them up, and then however you get home, your keys will arrive the next morning, when you are no longer in the feral, terrified survival state a lot of folks end up in, late at night, in the course of attempting to keep up with Shawn.

Wise preparation is the bane of poor decisions.  Don’t be a jackass.

Also, it’s a good idea to duct tape a bottle of water to your shin, under your pants leg.  Wherever and whenever you wake up, you’re going to be so dehydrated that when you get your first gulps of water, your eyeballs will go “splick, splick!”  Don’t make them wait – there’s no way to tell exactly where you’ll wake up.  It’s like spinning a wheel.  You’re going to need your eyeballs to get a fix on your own location.  Water is your friend.

Now let’s get some of the misinformation, fallacies, and urban legends out of the way.  This is serious business and you want to keep your eyes wide open.

Myth:  Shawn is a regular dude.

Fact:  Shawn is at least eight thousand years old.   His body is maintained by billions of Egyptian-Alien Hybrid Nanites which are powered by Jagermeister and pork chops.  Much like Wolverine, Shawn is not certain what the hell he was doing during the French and Indian War, but he’s kind of got the feeling it wasn’t anything nice. 

Myth:  Shawn doesn’t mind if you ride around on him like Master Blaster from Beyond Thunderdome.

Fact:  This is a case-by-case kind of thing.  Certainly you shouldn’t count on it. The biggest thing to be careful about is that although you would be the weird-looking tiny man in that scenario, you don’t want to imply for a second that Shawn is the child-minded brute.  Frequently, Shawn is milling around explaining particle physics to people while I am riding around on his shoulders screaming about pig shit and methane embargos. 

A good general rule is, don’t climb up on his shoulders.  If he feels like you are moving too slowly, he will put you up there like a toddler.  Once you are up there, however, you are a big, big man.  Feel free to pass out insults and to pick fights with whomever you think Shawn should fight in Thunderdome.  That’s what justice is all about, you know.

Myth:  Shawn has a British accent.

Fact:  Don’t be ridiculous.  Nobody has a British accent.

Myth:  It is possible, using the concept of moderation, to just have a couple of beers with Shawn, and not get swept up in a sixteen-hour marathon culminating in chirping birds and highstrung, nightstick-poking cops.

Fact:  Sure, in the same sense that it is possible to punch through a cinderblock wall with your bare hands.  In other words, it takes years of training and refined discipline to successfully and predictably disengage from whatever the opposite of the Wrath of Shawn is.  Don’t kid yourself.  You’re calling in sick tomorrow.

Myth:  Shawn will keep track of you and babysit you all night.

Fact:  Shawn may or may not decide to do either of those things, but he will assume that you are an adult.  If you vanish, he’ll figure you grabbed a cab or something.  If you are worried about losing the powers of speech and direction simultaneously, and becoming lost in the city, you should duct tape your phone to your wrist and program your spouse’s or significant other’s phone number into it as every possible speed dial, so you can call them by banging it randomly against your face.  You might also consider tying a balloon to your shirt, so you’ll be easy to spot in a crowd, or from a few blocks away.

Myth:  Shawn wants to hear all about how much you like Clash of the Titans and Jumper and She’s Just Not That Into You.

Fact:  No, he does not.  And if you keep doing that, he’ll buy you shots until you shut up (see below).

Above all, relax and have fun.  It wouldn’t hurt to bring along a plate of lamb chops and au gratin potatoes and maybe a side of broccoli and a double Filet-O-Fish sandwich – he likes to have a snack before a night out on the town, and what’s good for Shawn is good for you.  I’ve hung out with Shawn when he’s in a bad mood before and guess what – you end up in a bad mood, and there’s nothing you can do about it cause the FedEx guy’s got your keys.

A final hint for you.  If he offers you anything called a Mule, you’re going to want to decline that.  It is a drink which makes you feel as though you have been kicked by a mule, and for some reason, you are only allowed to have an even number of them, so you’re going to get kicked at least twice.

Zero is an even number.  Shawn knows this, but he probably won’t remind you.  Keep it in mind – knowledge is power.  Talk to you around four o’clock tomorrow afternoon.


Posted by on August 19, 2010 in Knuckleheads


2 responses to “So You’ve Decided To Hang Out With Shawn

  1. Bill V

    August 20, 2010 at 12:01 am

    Sounds like a bender with Chuck Torson. I gotta eat pork & drink with Shawn!!!!!

  2. Jessica

    August 23, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    This is funny. There is just not enough Mad Max correlation in the world.


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